Harvey, Private Hamster


Questions

Slowly, after who knows how long, the place came swimming back into focus, like my monitor degaussing after a bad batch of UDThink. I was still half-dreaming of Rose, but looked around and found only Charlie the barkeep across the room, ol' Yellow Fangs, and the chick with the antennae and the funny shoes.

This time, I couldn't help but notice the shoes as one of them was directly in front of my nose. And I had the distinct feeling that one of them had left its imprint on the side of my furry little cranium.

As I struggled to my feet, my face a half-formed question mark, the warthog said: "It's best, if you ask questions around here, that they're the right ones." I craned my neck to see up to his face and nodded my assent. I wanted to ask something, but I wasn't sure what the right question was. I came here for answers but didn't even know the right line of questioning. Poor Hortense, I'd never get to him.

As my head cleared, Charlie slid me another flask of 0 proof, and I looked at the two. As I did, there seemed to be a slight shift in the atmosphere, as if they were ephemeral, shadows in the wind. For a split second, they appeared to be superhuman, wizardly, godlike, even...

HOLY SMOKING CYRIX!! These were Old Wise Ones! The subtle shift in the Electro magnetic radiation from their power supplies had betrayed them to me, if only for the briefest of instants. Looked like it was time to write more rubber checks and make more promises I might not be able to keep. My mind was racing, and losing rather badly.

Time chose that point to have another character enter the TechIMO . I thought I had seen enough, but here came a character so skinny, if he had turned sideways and stuck his tongue out, he would have been a zipper. Perched on his head was, of all things, a funnel (???). If ever there was a vision of Dennis The Menace as a 50 year old, this guy was it.

Now, I'm pretty tough for a rodent, but this was getting to me. I gaped about me, at a loss as to what to put in the next paragraph. I gave up, knowing that the wrong words could get me another boot to my lack of a brain, and sank onto a bar stool babbling "Hortense....SDRAM....Hortense......Hortense ........sdram..."

Yeah, and everything went black again. At this rate, I was gonna save a fortune on suntan lotion.

Only thing was...I was still awake. And being jostled by a...what's this? A lady's lipstick...and a comb...a wallet over there...yep, I was in some dame's PURSE...and headin' for who knows where...

The new bump on my head was keeping the other bumps company, and there just wasn't much I could do about it but let 'em fight it out. I guess I'm just that kind o' hamster.

As I tried to make myself at home in the jangling chaos, I noticed something else...something that didn't belong here.

It looked a little like a caterpillar I used ta know, only this one's body was smooth and shiny black. Its legs looked to be made outta the same stuff as my spare knucks. But I couldn't quite make out the writing...

I worked my way closer to the "caterpillar", millimeter by slow millimeter, hoping to discover the hidden message. I got as close as the lipstick let me, but it was no use. It was like trying to read the serial number on a Duron with the lights out. I gave up on the message for now, perhaps I'd come back later.

But now I figured I'd have to find a way out of this mess. The wheels in my brain started turning like the engine of a 747. I turned around and fought my way past the comb, trying to reach the side. I finally got there and poked it with an inquisitive claw. Just like I'd figured...

YES!! The dame's purse had a latch on it that, if this had been an issue of National Security, we'd all be talkin' Russian now. I looked around and found a steel nail file under the funny lookin' caterpillar. I inched it through the top of the bag, my furry little muscles straining...push...and BLAM!

A blaze of light washed over me as the purse opened...I thought to hop out and take my chances with the creatures in The TechIMO, but there was some unfinished business at the bottom of that bag. I ankled down to the caterpillar and looked...

The numbers on the poor guy I could ignore...but the big letters spelled out somethin' that made me yearn for a big jolt of that Old Zero Proof...

SDRAM...

The hamster wasn't outta the bag yet...

As my eye's adjusted to the light I could see that it wasn't a comb,but the edge of a square metal block with fin's as long as a carrot stick . What I thought in the dark was lipstick turns out be a sryinge with the label arctic silver.

Something's not Right here , it's got my nose twich'en like a tomcat's tail when he's ready to pounce.

IT'S NOT A PURSE.... IT'S A ...

LAPTOP!

Holy mother of invention. I've been shanghied out of my 9 bay luxury tower into a cramped 1 bay efficiency unit. This dump isn't even big enough to turn around in, let alone stretch my legs and burn CD's.

There's gotta be a way outta here. I'm gonna suffocate in this coffin. Maybe if I cross this red wire to this green wire...

I quickly gnawed the ends clean, and grabbed 'em in my little furry paws, and thought about what I was about to do.

If my heart belonged to Daddy, he'd need coronary bypass surgery right about now.

Anyway, fortune favors the brave...or the foolish...Whatever.

I brought the ends together, and there was a blinding shower of sparks!!

When I came to, I looked around me...it seemed as though someone had removed the corneas of my little hamster eyes, expertly shellacked 'em, and stuck 'em back on. My fur was singed, but what was giving me the hot flashes at that moment was the realization that I was not alone...

That's right, the laptop case had been cracked open, and regarding me, with no small amount of concern in her emerald green eyes....it was HER...

That incredible doll from The Techimo...

I decided to parlay some vous with the dame, but it ended up sounding more like,"Bluh? Evoo wuhhhba-LOOOOOOooo pleh..."

Well, at least one of us was on their feet.

"Listen, Harvey, we haven't got much time. My name is C. Colin Beckslesh, but you can call me Cathy. I'm with the ASPCH...."

"Bleh" I stammered. "Sounds like the serial numbers on a plate fulla hot Pentiums, baby." I HAD to get a new scriptwriter.

"The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Hamsters" she breathed....and leaned forward just enough for me to draw a tiny lungful of her Hillshire Farms cologne...and an eyeful of some of her other assets...not that I would be so rude as to look...HAH.

"Harvey, there are terrible things happening, and I need your help..." with that, her gorgeous head dropped, and when she came back up for air, there were waterworks happening in them emerald eyes...I guess I just can't stand to see a dame crying.

"It's okay, doll, Harvey, Private Hamster, is on the case!" I said, with more bravado in my words than I felt in my guts. At least she looked reassured, and her deep, steady gaze was something I would remember for the rest of my life...

However long that would be...

The dame from the ASPCH pulled me up and told me there was a small furry quadruped that I should meet. She took me to a cage with so little sawdust it looked like a place with not much sawdust, the smell was pungent... thank God I've got guts a cluster of athlonXP's would be proud of.

IN this foul abode I met burnt out old Celeron of a hamster, he looked so depressed you'd think he been replaced by a small shell script. But all he said was Front side bus before his eyes turned blue, his tired kernel had panicked for its last time . What could this cryptic clue mean? ...

Well, I couldn't fathom what the clue was, but what was before my eyes made me shudder. Mind you, the dame was holding me in a very warm place, but I still had a real cold feeling.

The poor creature was a burnt-out shell of a hamster. It wasn't just the flashing blue in his eyes, but the angry red swell just under his tail.

That's right. Anal probes.

There wasn't much left in this world, I had thought, that could bring me to my hind fetlocks...the dame had made me wrong...I shuddered involuntarily yet again.

"Harvey", she intoned, as I looked into those emerald pools, a changed hamster..."there is something you can do for me..."

"For us..." she said...

I'm a soft touch for a dame with wet green eyes. "Doll," I said, "tell me about your friend there. And don't hold back any details. I've seen it all." In truth, I hadn't seen it all, but as long as she bent over me, I still had a chance...

Her collar was playin' the dance of the seven veils with my heart strings when her voice brought me crashing back to reality...

"Oh Harvey, you wouldn't believe what they've done to him!" she wailed, as her emerald pools overflowed like the toilets at a Jimmy Buffet show. "I don't know if he'll ever again be the man he once was." Her tone was breaking my heart, yet other parts of my anatomy seemed strangely alive. I was ashamed yet intrigued. If only the nuns could see me now.

"All right, doll face, who did this unspeakable thing?" She looked ashen, and her friend backed himself into a corner and looked at the floor. She shook as she struggled to speak the words, the words that are never welcome in polite company, like turds in a swimming pool...

"Micro Shaft", she whispered. I suddenly felt soaked with sweat. At least I hoped it was sweat.

"I'm a tough hamster," I squeaked, "but for this job I'll need help."

I dropped some coins on the bar, then spoke into the phone: "Operator, get me the Penguin..."



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