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WHAT WAS WRITTEN IN COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS ON ASHLEY'S 1ST ANGEL ANNIVERSARY IN HEAVEN, OCTOBER 27, 2003 ASHLEY WOULD HAVE BEEN 19 YEARS OLD.

My precious daughter Ashley was born March 30, 1984. I had 3 miscarriages before her birth and had to stay on hormones for the first 4 months carrying Ash. Ashley was in complete breech so she was born by C- Section. Ashley was so beautiful and perfect when she was born. I helded her for hours. She would go to sleep on my shoulder and I would just hold her till she woke up. I gave up my fulltime job and founded something working at home so I could be with her. I use to dress Ashley up everyday with lacy dresses and shoes, socks and bows to match.

When Ashley was born her Dad and I read to her everyday and I would always watch Sesame St with her. Ashley could speak in complete sentences by the time she was one. I took her to the library and book store to buy the little Golden books as she got a little older. Ashley went to the library every day when she was in 1st grade and just read that was her passion and remained with her until she went to Heaven. Ashley was also an accomplished pianist.

Ashley loved Winnie the Pooh, My little Pony and Little Mermaid. I would sit on the couch and keep watching them over and over again with Ash. She must have owed every my little pony there was. We taped My Little Pony show on TV everyday so she could also watch them over and over again.

When Ashley was 3 her brother Chris was born April 2, 1987 and when she first saw him she said I wanted a sister leave him here and bring back a sister. I did not want Chris to feel left out nor Ashley so I would let Ashley hold Chris in the chair and give him a bottle of water, help give him a bath and etc.

Ashley and Chris started going to preschool at North Metro where they attended church and they really enjoyed it, all of the teachers were so wonderful with them. By the time Ashley started Kindergarten Chris would stand outside with her and the neighbors and wait for her to catch the bus. He was only 2 and would be wearing a long tee shirt and wave to her goodbye each morning. Then he would get ready for preschool himself.

My children were wonderful students in elementary school. They never got in trouble. They were very quiet and made excellent grades. Ashley won the Mosaic award in the fifth grade for her writing ability.

Ashley was 3 years ahead of Chris so when he started going to her school she would walk him to class everyday and pick him up so he would not get lost.

Ashley had seizures from age 5 to 9 but they were controlled by medication. She hated going every month to get her lab work done. One time we were in Scottish Rite Hospital getting an EEG and we had to go to the lab as soon as she walked in the office she ran and hide under the sliding board. When the doctor's office had to take Ashley's blood they gave Ashley the needle and we had to wait about 45 minutes before she was brave enough to do it on her own. Ashley at age 5 was having a problem with one of her jaws it wasn't growing fast enough so the dentist put a quad in her mouth for a year and a half then at age 6 ½ she had braces. By the time it was all over at age 9 her teeth were perfect. She also outgrew her seizures and all her EEG's and CAT scans were normal from then on.

Ashley's Dad and I broke up when she was in the 6th grade, which was very hard on Ashley she loved her Dad so much. I took her to counseling. She had a hard time in middle school but by the time she was in the 8th grade she was my old Ashley again. I went to an awards banquet and Ashley won 3 awards for having the highest grades in 3 subjects in her class. I was so proud of her.

Ashley started school at Meadowcreek and we moved a year and a half later to Lawrenceville it was a hard adjustment on both of my children. I would bring them to their friends where we use to live or have them spend the night at our new house. I did not want them to lose contact with the friends they grew up with.

Ashley attended Collins Hill High School then because she was behind in Math she transferred to Faith Academy where she could graduate in Dec. 2002. In Jan 2003 she was going to Rome, Georgia to study to be a sonogram technician.

On October 27th, 2002 I got a call around 2 in the morning from my daughter's boyfriend's mother Maria. She told me she was on the way to the hospital. Ashley was at Piedmont and her son was at another hospital. I could not believe when I got to the hospital they were telling me my baby girl didn't make it. I couldn't believe it. Ashley dead? No way. She is so young and has her whole life ahead of her. Ash could not be a donor because of all the internal injuries. From that moment on I heard what they were saying but it was not communicating with my brain I kept thinking they were talking about someone else. When I got home from the hospital I called my friend from church to tell her what happened to my little girl. My Pastor Dr. Frank Cox called me.

Dr. Cox came to the hospital to see Ashley when she was born; she was in church all the time and even went to preschool there. I heard there wasn't a dry eye in the service when he finished talking about my Ashley during church service on Oct 27, 2002. I stayed in bed all day Sunday and then Frank and Mary came to see me and my sister ion law and her husband. I couldn't really hold a conversation the only thing I knew how to do was cry.

On Monday I had to pick out the burial plot and the casket and book and etc. My sister Liz flew down that night from North Carolina and took over making the other arrangements .I just couldn't face it. I was like a walking zombie. Without Liz being here to help me I do not know what I would have done. She bought me something to wear and bought Ashley's burial outfit and helped in everyway with everything. I will always be very grateful to Liz for everything she did for me.

I just wanted to stand by the casket all night and touch Ashley beautiful long hair, I didn't want to leave. I could not even tell you who was at the funeral home or the funeral. The morning of the funeral I brought rattle baby, Ashley's first Christmas doll that she still slept with, she loved that doll so much. I helded on to it till the last second and then I put Ashley's baby doll in the casket with her arm holding rattle.

October 27th, 2003 will one year since my daughter Ashley died, It is getting so hard to realize it has been a year and I missed her high school graduation, I will miss her graduating from college, I will miss her getting married, I will miss her having children and I will miss everything oncerning my angel. Ashley and Chris are my world after Ashley died the only thing that matters on this world is your relationship with God, your family and your friends. Nothing else is important.

Ashley's friends still come to see me. She has some really loyal faithful friends. All her friends have told me that when they wanted to do something wrong Ashley was always the one to tell them no they shouldn't do that. She got one of her friends to finish high school and go on to college. It makes me feel so proud of my daughter knowing how many lives Ashley has influenced.

I plan on getting up next Monday and be at the cemetery at 7 in the morning, play Christian music, read to Ashley and just have her all to myself and be able to cry like a baby from missing her so without anyone there.

ASHLEY YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH. YOUR FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS BRINGING SOMETHING TO YOU AT THE CEMETERY.

They say you find joy in your life again but I can't imagine, how can I have joy when my heart is so broken missing you.

Ashley I love you so much.

With all my love your Mom

CLOSURE OR GOODBYE I CAN NEVER SAY TO ASHLEY

My grief and pain are mine. I have earned them. They are part of me. Only in feeling them do I open myself to the lessons they can teach. ~Anne Wilson Schaef
When our whole sense of ourselves seems wounded and vulnerable, one of the ways we can claim our rightful presence in the world is to claim the legitimacy of our grief. That is who we are right now, and it is a valid way to be. We cannot accept the reality of ourselves as grieving persons any more than we can accept the reality of the death of the loved one.
In time, we will see ourselves again in broader terms. However, if, for a while, grieving is the main aspect of our life.
It has been 1 year and 8 months since my precious little girl went to Heaven. A counselor and physiatrist and just about everyone has told me I have to say goodbye to Ashley. There is no way I can no that. I did not want her to go. I want her here with me.
I went yesterday to see my Pastor, Dr. Frank Cox he said something no one ever has before that really helped me. It will not stop the tears, but it is a stepping-stone. For some reason people have it in their mind the words goodbye and closure when you talk about a loved one in Heaven. Well, when you lose a child or anyone else those words do not come, they do not even register, they are not in my dictionary and the mere mention of those two words I just start crying so hard.
How in God's name can you say goodbye to your child, I cannot. Frank told me to go talk to Ashley and instead of saying goodbye, I just need to say I will see you later, for some reason it helped knowing someone realizes that those two words do not need to come up. I do not have to say goodbye, I cannot say goodbye. I will see Ashley again and the next time I do we will be together for eternity not just 18 years.
I do not know if this will help anyone but it sure helped me. Closure and Goodbye are not two words I can say to my precious Angel Ashley.

Sandy Lavender, Mom
Chris Hull, Brother`
To Our Precious Angel Ashley Lauren Hull
3/30/84 - 10/27/2002
Ashley lives forever in our hearts