Asp Not What Your Country Can Do For You

Dear Folk,

Well she was just seventeen, you know what I mean? Okay, I'll stop with the Beatles and talk about August 30, 30 BCE. What does "I Saw Her Standing There" have to do with today? Listen.

Rome was at its height. There had been republican sentiment and some rule by the Senate. Rome depended on its outlying provinces for many, but the key to any civilization is where can it get its food. For Rome the answer was Egypt. It was the Nile and the fertile land which produced more than it consumed which held Rome's attention. It grew wheat. Can't make much pasta without wheat, no matter what the health food stores try to sell you.

Egypt had been ruled by the Ptolemies. These were Macedonians who had remained to govern after Alexander the Great's conquest of Egypt in 331 BCE. The latest king, Ptolemy XII, died leaving his two children to govern. Cleopatra was just 17. Tada! She and her brother Ptolemy XIII were slated to get married to each other. This was not as strange as you might think: it kept outside families from horning in on the dynastic rule. Cleo went through with it for the sake of governing Egypt. Her brother dear was a little weasel and decided he would rule by himself. He sent a hit team to take her out.

Small aside: the Ptolemies had been allies with Rome for almost 200 years. Rome was rising and Egypt was fast declining. There were few priests who spoke the ancient Egyptian language where every word was a prayer. There were fewer still who could still read hieroglyphics. Interestingly enough, Cleopatra could do both. She had, as a child, found willing teachers in Alexandria. She was the last pharaoh who could perform as the personification of the Goddess for her people.

Cleopatra escaped to Syria and rallied an army. Brother Ptolemy raised his own guards to meet them. It seemed certain that there would be some slicing and dicing. Ptolemy held the palace and most of Alexandria. Cleo did an end-around. Julius Caesar arrived in Egypt seeking help in tracking down Pompey. The story is that Cleo had herself carried into the palace, past Ptolemy's guards, and into Caesar's presence wrapped in a rug. What a burrito that was!

To preserve the Pax Romana (or as the Egyptians viewed it, the "Pox Romana") Julius had to decide who would sit the throne: a pimply-faced whining boy or an incredible babe of 22. Well, you must remember that Julius was a soldier and overseas. Ptolemy XIII got angry, provoked another war, and got himself terminally deceased thanks to the unbiased help of Julie.

In 47 BCE Cleo officially married her younger brother, Ptolemy XIV. Not very originally in naming folks. For her honeymoon, she and Julius Caesar went on a pleasure cruise up the Nile. Guess Ptolemy XIV was needed back in Alexandria to hold down the fort or something. All along the route Cleo was worshipped as the Goddess Isis. Made Julie just a trifle envious, truth to tell. They became lovers, and she bore him a son, Caesarion. In 45 BC, Cleopatra and Caesarion left Alexandria for Rome, where they stayed in a palace built by Caesar in their honor. I know that Julie was already married. That was an embarrassing detail. Hey, so was Cleo.

Caesar's fondness for this very exotic lady was anything but overlooked by the Romans. In 44 BC, Julie was killed in a conspiracy by his Senators. It wasn't just the business of Cleo, it was that Julie was an absolute dictator. Remember those republican forces?

With Julie's death and then the whacking of his assassins, Rome split between supporters of Mark Antony and Octavian. Octavian was officially Caesar's heir. Cleopatra was watching in silence, and when Mark Antony seemed to prevail, she supported him and, shortly after, they too became lovers. Don't put her down for that. Cleo was trying to preserve her country. Besides, Antony was a stud muffin, himself.

Mark Antony's alliance with Cleopatra ticked off Rome even more. The senators called her a sorceress, and accused her of all sorts of bad juju. The Romans became even more furious as Antony was giving away parts of their Empire - Tarsus, Cyrene, Crete, Cyprus, and Palestine - all were gifts to Cleopatra and her children. Antony knew how to show a goddess a good time.

Octavian declared war on Cleopatra, and off the coast of Greece in the Adriatic Sea they met in one of the most famous battles in history: Actium. Octavian won and everybody said it was because Cleo left the battle early and Antony followed. Most modern historians doubt that. Octavian's forces won, enough said.

Octavian waited for a full year before he claimed Egypt as a Roman province. He arrived in Alexandria and tussled with Mark Antony outside the city, near present day Camp César. Antony in defeat fell on his own sword. As he lay dying, Antony asked to be taken to Cleopatra. He died in her arms and was buried as a pharaoh.

Ocatvian entered Alexandria in 30 BC. Cleopatra was captured and taken to him. Okay, dry your eyes, put on some makeup, and go play nice with the new guy. Unfortunately, it became clear that this Roman Emperor had no interest in any relation, reconciliation, or even negotiation with the Egyptian Queen. Realizing that her end was close, she decided to join Julie and Tony in the silent halls of death on this day August 30th, in the year 30 BCE. Did she do herself in with an asp? No one knows for sure. It could have happened.

Cleopatra was the last Pharaoh. Egypt became part of Rome. Octavian became Caesar Augustus and we have already talked of him.

What have we learned? Marrying your brother is not as exciting as some might think? Ladies have little difficulty in paying attention to men who give them lavish gifts? Soldiers overseas sure can be a nuisance? How about never underestimate the power of a woman?

If you are sending missives back to Rome, conquering denial, or just floating your boat, and you wish to forward these scraps of electronic papyrus, please leave my name and sig. attached.

Remembering Liz Taylor as she was then,
Violet eyes to die for,

J. Ellsworth Weaver
SCA – Sir Balthazar of Endor
AS – Polyphemus Theognis
TRV – Sebastian Yeats