Riding Across the Bay

Dear Folk,

A fortune teller once told the fellow whose birthday we celebrate today, August 31, 12 CE, that he had as much chance of being made emperor as he had of riding dry shod over the Bay of Naples.

You may remember from yesterday that Octavian won the war against Mark Antony and became sole ruler of Rome. He was later accorded the title Augustus Caesar. We read about him in an earlier column "Musing on August 19th -- Auggie and the Turks."

Livia Drusilla was Augustus' third wife. She had two sons, Tiberius and Drusus Germanicus, by a previous marriage. Tiberius, succeeded him when he died at Nola on August 19, 14 CE. Tiberius (emperor 14 - 37 CE) was dark, brooding and vengeful.

After his death, finally, the rule of Rome went to the emperor, Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus who was the third child of Augustus' adopted grandson, Germanicus, and Augustus' granddaughter Agrippina. Agrippina died mysteriously, some say Tiberius arranged it, and Germanicus may well have been poisoned by his son. That is just a rumor. Remember that Livia was a great one for poison but did she teach little Gaius? I don't know.

Gaius had traveled with his father, Germanicus, in northern campaigns. He liked to go around the camp wearing his father's boots, which earned him his nickname of "Little Boots" -- Caligula. I know, you have all these horrid pictures of Caligula as some sort monster. It was not always so. The army liked him, lots. They did not like Tiberius.

He was known to be amiable, spirited, and clever. He was well loved by his family – a good boy. Now some later grey-faced historians claim that Caligula was some sort of bad seed. Nonsense! Raised to the purple by the Praetorian Prefect, the Senate had no choice but to accept him. Caligula moved quickly to win friends. Unlike today's politicians, he campaigned for popularity after he took over. He abolished the sales tax. Hey, I would vote for him right now! He also recalled those exiled in the reign of Tiberius. Oh great, folks could come back home. Tiberius exiled grunches of folk when he was too tired to have them just executed. He stopped or at least suppressed the use of paid informers. He threw great public games, shows, and amusing parties. What do you want? He was a great change from Tiberius. Then came The Illness.

At the age of 26, seven months after he became Caesar, Caligula came down with a fever. He was near to dying for several weeks. Somehow the happy guy was replaced by a demon. It has happened before.

When Caligula recovered he began to encourage folks to talk about others. He held treason trials. He reversed his stance about paid informers. Not a great climate for trust and love. His bizarre behavior was incredibly public. He commandeered a building, rounded up some senators' wives, and opened a brothel. He also then required attendance and took role. One source said that he actually had palace passwords like "kiss me, sweetie" and made the grizzled old guards have to say them. Gosh, that must have been fun! There was that legend about him making his horse consul of Roman. I am not convinced that was true. He even tossed poor old uncle Claudius tossed into the Tiber in February just to see if he could swim. The little madcap!

Of course all those parties and games cost money. Caligula quickly ran through the treasury that Tiberius had left. The only thing to do was to extort cash from the wealthy. Why? Because the poor did not have any! A threat here, a confiscation there, a small slip and someone falling a few times on a sword, and the rich folk were persuaded.

This all sounds like pranks but Caligula had folks executed, lots of folks. Then he screwed with foreign policy and with the army. Early in 40 CE Caligula marched with an army into Gaul. He was looking for wine, cheese, EuroDisneyland and a few Jerry Lewis movies. He did manage to collect lots of plunder. He marched his troops to the northern shoreline of Gaul as a prelude to the invasion of Britain but then ordered them to collect seashells there, which he called the spoils of the conquered ocean. He was a greater god than Neptune, he declared. I doubt that Neptune was amused.

Caligula pursued his pretensions to divinity further; in the summer of 40 CE he ordered his statue to be erected in the Temple at Jerusalem, but under the suave persuasion of Herod Agrippa, Caligula countermanded this potentially disastrous order. Jerusalem was a hotbed of rebellion, the Maccabbees and Siccariis (dagger men) were whipping up the Jewish folk against Rome. Nothing like having a Roman madman's statue in their Temple. No sir!

The Roman populace had by now grown weary of this mad and unpredictable tyrant. By January 41 CE, four months after he returned from his expedition to Gaul, even his army guard was feeling out of sorts. They had not been paid in quite some time. Little Boots had forgotten the immortal words of Kevin Webb, "This isn't a hobby!" They determined to kill the emperor, and strangely, no one revealed the plot. Caligula was murdered leaving the Palatine Games by Cassius Chaerea, tribune of the Praetorian guard, Cornelius Sabinus, and others.

Caligula's wife Caesonia and his daughter were also put to death. There was no one to swear vengeance against the perps. Okay, the Guard had thought of everything except who should then be emperor. They searched through the palace and found a stuttering lame guy hiding behind the curtains. It was Caligula's uncle, funny old Claudius. Well, he was harmless enough. They decided to make him emperor. But that is another story.

Remember about riding over the Bay of Naples? Yep, when Caligula ascended to emperor, he had a bridge built out of boats, had it covered with packed dirt, and rode his horse dryly across the bay. So there!

What have we learned from this? Army brats are trouble? Greatness often skips not only one generation but sometimes leaves the tracks entirely? Angelic youth, satanic old age? How about, always pay your troops? Guarantee that is a testable objective.

If you are out tossing uncle in the river, fighting with Neptune, or just riling the Jewish folk and you feel like forwarding these missives, you know I would love you to do that if you keep my name and sig attached. Check out the archives for earlier works. Link is at the bottom of the page.

Giving up on Jerry Lewis movies and the Gauls,
J. Ellsworth Weaver

SCA – Sir Balthazar of Endor
AS – Polyphemus Theognis
TRV – Sebastian Yeats