I Have a Key
Dear Folk,
I am gratified at the three to four earnest responses I have received giving their answers to the quiz and asking me to assign them a grade. Some have even offered, ahem, "favors" for a better grade. So far no one has offered to vacuum the house or clean the litter box. Even I have my price. Without further adieaux let us get to the answers.
(10 points each)
1. St. Augustine is best known as the patron saint of
A. Hippos
B. New York college kids on spring break
C. hagiographers
D. haggis-eating Scotsmen
E. other _________________________
Response A is what is known as a sneaky distracter. Hippo was where Auggie was from. The patron saints, it does take two, for Hippos, however, are St. George and St. Martha. Read Marshall's "Tons of Fun – or Meeting with Remarkable Hippos" for details. Response B was the obvious right answer. St. Auggie is the patron saints of hell-raising scofflaws. Give yourself a pat on the back and an extra brewsky if you go this. C You must know that hagiographers have no patron saint; it would be playing favorites or what we historians call "sucking up." D Haggis eating Scotsmen used to have St. Andrew. I am not sure they have him still. They may have lost him in the rain. Then again, Rod Stewart may be the new one.
2. Gaius Octavius was later give this title by the Roman Senate
A. Pappa Smurf
B. King of Practically Everything
C. Grand Poohbah and Muckety-muck
D. Playmate of the Year
- other ______________________________
You know, I love all the responses. B was the overwhelming favorite. A. Pappa Smurf has such an authenticity to it. C. Grand Poohbah is the Royal Order of Badgers' (ROB) equivalent to Augustus. And if D. Augustus could not be Playmate of the Year, at least he could have judged the contest. Hugh was a lot younger then.
3. In the battle of Manzikert in 1071 CE, the Byzantines ______________
A. learned the meaning of the word "slobberknocking"
B. decided Armenia was not such a great place after all
C. found that Alp Arslan could not be climbed by elephants
D. that the eyes outnumbered the neighs
E. other _________________________________________
This was a tough one. I think that E. all of the above would be the best. Slobberknocking is a wrestling term. And yes, you are supposed to know wrestling terms. Where is your kultcha? You might remember that Alp Arslan was a pretty crafty but fair Moslem Turk who whooped the Byzantines. And then there was D. remember that Andronicus put Romanus on a mule. The onlookers on the road back to Constantinople attacked Romanus and put out his eyes. Okay, bad pun.
4. In 1581 Dr. John Dee's life took a strange turn. He _________________
A. decided that Britanny Spears was the anti-Christ
B. had a date with an angel
C. decided to swap clothes and wives with Edward Kelley
D. ran for court astrologer and then for his life
E. other __________________________________
A. Is not correct. We all know that Brittany Spears is the anti-Christ but John Dee still bought her albums. B. Is the best choice. Dr. Dee met an angel on that date Uriel by name. C. Incidentally, Edward Kelley, his seer, told Dee that the angels told him that Dee and Kelley should swap wives. Really! Straight-faced, he did. Dee was regretful but said he would obey the angels. Mrs. Dee and Mrs. Kelley kaboshed it straight away. Mrs. Dee was a looker and Kelley fancied her. What the angels really said we don't know. D. They did have to run for their lives but that was later. Gotcha!
5. On at a small hill called The Horns of Hattin _______________
A. some Aggies opened a ski resort
B. Charlie Byrd called the folks to jazz
C. Reynald of Chatillon finally learned to behave
D. there's an old rugged cross
E. other ___________________________________
A. I apologize for calling anyone from Texas A&M an "Aggie." I know better, I just slipped. Please forgive me. I shall try to use the proper term -- "Agro-American" -- in the future. Is there still a ski slope at College Station? I thought that was really smurfy, honest I did. Finally a use for astroturf. B. Charlie Byrd did call the people to jazz. The people were busy doing something else, unfortunately. It would be hard to choose between C and D. Reynald was whacked there. Most of you knew that. Remember that the True Cross was lost by the Christians there to Sulieman's forces. Oh, whichever you wish is correct.
6. On July 31, 1291 an army made of former slaves took Beirut and put an end to the Crusader presence in Palestine and Syria. These soldiers were called
A. Sir by almost everyone
B. Bobby Knight
C. Barbaloots
D. Malamutes
E. Puss in Boots
F. other _____________________________
Answer A was a popular favorite; however, lots of folk did not speak Anglais so it is wrong, wrong, wrong. Punish yourselves, you who guessed this one. B. Bobby Knight is wrong because that is either Mr. Knight or Coach Knight to you! Answer C is a sentimental favorite but no one chose it. I was crushed. Where are the Seuss fans out there? Malamutes are cute, husky fellers and probably would be horribly uncomfortable in the Holy Land. Puss in Boots might be something one called them...once. I think Mamluks would be my choice at E.
7. On June 21st in 1306 Philip IV ("the fair") King of France gave William de Nogaret a _________________
A. noogy
B. wedgy
C. secret massage
D. pet weasel
- other ______________________________
Response A could be correct. Phil could give anybody in Europe a noogy. Likewise B. C was another crafty distracter. The correct answer might be E. a secret message. D. is out because not even someone as mean as Philip would give ANYONE a weasel or a stoat. Yuck!
8. Macbeth's son Lulach became king right after dad died. What happened then?
A. he went to EuroDisneyland
B. Malcolm III taught him to chill
C. he begot Lorenna McKennitt
D. he launched the first courtesy crusade
E. other ____________________________
A He did TRY to go to EuroDisneyland but it was closed for repairs and the ticket takers were on strike. Sorry. B I think is the best, Malcolm III killed him within a year. I am not sure about C. Lorenna is wonderful but much younger than a straight begot here. D is obviously wrong. Courtesy can never modify Crusade. Look it up.
9. Complete this analogy: Titus was to Jerusalem as
A. Grant was to Richmond
B. salts are to a goose
C. mud is to a tin horn
D. earwig shall be to Chechov's brain
E. other __________________________
A is pretty darned good, B is disgusting but also appropriate. C was a stretch but you "random abstract" folk could be right with it. D was a great and grating analogy. Remember "Wrath of Khan"? Gack! Okay, I think E all of the above or something better, maybe badgers through a box of Twinkies would be my choice. Give yourself whatever partial credit you think you *honestly* deserve here.
10. Complete this sentence: Don't know much about the Middle Ages, ________________
A. that's why I teach history and coach football
B. stare at the pictures and I turn the pages
C. pass the duct tape, please
D. so I read "Musings"
E. other ______________________
A, although very clever, is wrong. No football coach has ever taught history. Maybe they have a class they sit in and look out the window while kids are supposed to read history books but *teach*? Nope! B is a "rock-in-roll heaven response." Gotta love it! Well, okay, give yourself 1 point for each year you were born before 1952 if you chose this one. C is for all the SCA folk. Give yourselves 10 points if it was only tippy, 5 points if it was with the flat of the blade (on a round piece of rattan). D is sucking up to the max. Full credit!
Extra credit questions(2 pts each)
Come on, do you think you needed help with any of these? They were give-aways! Good for Leo who answered the one about Vietnam. You can be lesser Poohbah in the ROB any day for that.
You know the drill. Forward these with my name and sig. attached. Be good to each other: don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
There will be a make up test soon,
J. Ellsworth Weaver
SCA – Sir Balthazar of Endor
AS – Polyphemus Theognis
TRV – Sebastian Yeats