Dear Dr. Nucleus,

My ten year old son, who seems so nice otherwise, has a disgusting habit of picking his nose and eating his boogers. Why does he do that and what, if anything, can I do about it?

Grossed out in Grover

Dear GG,

What we know as boogers have been found to have important neuro-physiological functionalities. Although early Scientists believed that neurons once severed never repaired themselves, modern Science shows this to be too pessimistic. Brain Offering Organic-Genetic Reconstitution (Boogers) are the way brain cells reproduce or spawn. This "grey matter" seeks to repair the damage done by countless hours exposure to singing purple dinosaurs, cola commercials, and video games. The core brain may be damaged and the peripheral brain is the only portion capable of repair. The obvious route is through the closest portals, the nostrils, through the gastro-intestinal tract, into the blood stream, and back up to the core brain.

As many mothers have observed, when the child stops reconstituting his/her brain by denying the flowpath of the BOOGRs, their baby brains are said to have fallen out. This occurs at around the age of 12. How else can we explain the apparent mindlessness of teenagers? Only after years of retraining in the Sciences, at around 30, does the child recover enough sense to restart this healing process. Thus, their adult brains grow back in. The child/adult finds a career and continues toward the rewards of the Golden Arches Years (where elderly folk find minimal wage jobs at fast-food franchises).

What can you do about it, mother? Encourage the child to dig deep and save his brain for Science's sake.

No, I don't need a hanky!
Dr. Nucleus