Dear Dr. Nucleus,

No matter how hard I try to follow all the instructions in the camera book, everytime I take a flash photo the people's eyes are glowing like they are on fire or something. What causes that and what can I do about it?

--- Faking it in photography

Dear Faking,

I wish that your problem had a simple solution like a fourth order differential equation describing a cat sliding over an icy, semi-infinite plane at absolute zero. These are problems with which Science has already dealt. You have stumbled onto something that spans the chasm between Science and Religion.

As you may know, Scientists can tell whether a distant galaxy is approaching or receding by the wave-lengthening of its emitted light. Humongous celestial bodies approaching the earth, growing ever-closer, threatening, bearing down upon us like a Kennilworth semi on a squirrel helplessly caught in its headlights are turned a cheery blue.(Not to worry about those, most of them won't hit us until next year or so.) Those other stellar neighbors, who see fit to run away knowing what cosmic disaster awaits us, are about the same shade as the necks on Garth Brooks' fans.

When you try to take unwilling people's photos, they naturally try to get as far away from you as they can. What you see in their eyes is the red shift (the term “shifty eyes” comes from this). The strobe light flash that you are using makes these negative energy beams visible to the “naked” eye.

Then, again, your camera may be pointed straight at their souls and you are seeing the hellfires of the damned.

Not taking chances or pictures,
Dr. Nucleus