Dear Dr. Nucleus,

I have in the pantry a bottle of "Canola" oil. The list of ingredients states "100% pure Canola oil." What are Canolas? Is this food? Do I really want to know?

nemo


Dear nemo,

In ancient days, the term "Scientist" was not just conferred upon any thumb-sucking endomorph with a sheep epidermis from Harvard or Yale. Candidates were rigorously examined to discover their aptitude for the craft.

They were given a pair of brown scuffed penny loafers. At the height of the candidates' jubilation with being presented with THE Official Shoes of a True Scientist, the real test was administered. They were told that a reception was going to be held that night and that they had better "shine up those shoes." Upon a laboratory bench were staged two small beakers, one filled with animal fecal matter and the other with shoe polish. Yes, a True Scientist knew shit from Shinola.

Today, the test continues as our link with those brave Scientists of yore. However, since the term "shit" has already been taken as Self Help from Instructional Technologists, we must manufacture a new word. In an Age of Crayola, Rockola, and Payola, we Scientists appropriated a page from the common book of humanity. A common term for lavatory as well as buttocks is "can," we added "-ola" and came up with the word that puzzles you. What you have in your pantry is not a foodstuff! It is a true Scientific test. Leave it alone unless and until you can tell it from shoe polish.

"O Curie, give me the knowledge to tell shit from Shinola and the wisdom to know which one to put upon my shoes!" --A Scientist's Prayer

Dr. Nucleus