Dear Doctor:

My physician says I have "carpal tunnel syndrome"; he wants to operate. I want a second opinion. Just what is "carpal tunnel syndrome?"

Signed,
Nervous in Nipomo


Dear Nervous,

Allowing physicians to cut willy-nilly on your person is as foolish as looking for hydrogen leaks at a reactor with a candle (No offense, Browns Ferry). "Physician? Heal thyself!" has been my motto ever since I found out what urologists charge for vasectomies. With a bottle of reagent-grade ether and a carbon dioxide laser, a Scientist can do anything needed himself.

The Europeans in the '80s noticed that crossing the English Channel was becoming tedious. (Incidentally, the great Carthaginian Scientist, Hanna Bull, crossed the Alps with elephants; unfortunately none of the offspring lived.) The French were driving over to England searching for undiscovered Scottish cuisine restaurants; the English were driving to France looking for banned Jerry Lewis films. Hovercraft and ferry boats had been barely adequate; a tunnel was the Scientific solution for the coming decades.

Although the completion of the tunnel was hailed as the engineering feat of the century, vehicular traffic was stifling. Dr. Toyota Godzilla, came up with a seemingly brilliant plan: have everyone going across the channel take a friend, a "car-pal", with them. Strangely enough, riding through the confining tunnel with someone jabbering endlessly about sports or relatives would lead to acute distress. Car-pals who sang along with Neil Young tapes could lead to homicide. This murderous rage was termed "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome".

So you see, carpal tunnel syndrome requires no operation beyond that of a 9 mm. semiautomatic. Better yet, do as I do, just stay home in the laboratory.

Just honking along,
Dr. Nucleus