Dear Dr. Nucleus,

I am terribly worried about these computer viruses. What are they? What do they look like? What can I do about them?

Signed,
Supposed 2 Know (in computer engineering)

Dear Supposed,

Computer viruses are disease causing organisms that can be transmitted through unsafe interfacing. Querying an "expert system" data base puts you at extreme risk. Viruses have evolved over the years with computers to cause such problems as: dot matrix disease and SAK (the Strike Any Key Disorder).

You can easily check for the presence of viruses in your computer by observing the screen. First, find a symbol which says MSDOS. Click on that; it stands for MediaScan for Dangerous Outside Sabotage. If the symbol > (or the "Lazy V Brand" as the folks down in Texas call it) appears on your command line, it indicates your computer is infected. Now is not the time for half measures. Without turning off your machine (that would give the bugs a chance to sneak out when the "lights were out"), open the computer. Check for the viruses; they resemble black rectangles with 8 to 36 silvery legs. Pull them out and stomp on them. If you have house pets or children and are afraid to open the computer lest they become infected, too, pour a solution of equal parts Janitor in the Drum and fuming nitric acid into the disk drive slot. This should ensure a thorough cleansing.

While you are at it, you may as well remember what you get when you cross Lee Iacocca and Count Dracula: an autoexec.bat! And they say Scientists have no sense of humor.

Best of luck in your recovery. Remember: if you ARE infected, it IS your fault.

For a more sanitary computing,
Dr. Nucleus