Dear Doctor Nucleus:

Every time I drive past a donut shop, I have noticed at least one police or highway patrol car parked in the lot. It doesn't matter what time of day or night, there it sits. What gives?

Signed,
Observant in Oceano


Dear Observant,

Good for you for noticing!

Donuts, as you probably already know, are toroid structures that warp gravity and space-time in their center holes. These "black" holes are deceptively small and incredibly powerful. First discovered in Calcutta, India in a Tandoori bread oven, donut holes were first thought to be anomalies in dough brought on by joining the loaf ends in a moebius strip. Later research by Dr. Stephen Hulking showed that only heavily sugared flour and lard combinations could actually cause light to be trapped inexorably in its interior. No one knows how close light must be to the hole but there comes a point, the Swartzenegger radius, where photons are ripped from light beams like Conan ripped the arms off monsters in his latest movie. The relative vacuum created by donuts can pull even the strongest warrior off his feet and into the shop.

The counterparts of "black" holes, "white" holes, are also found at donut shops. These doughy marbles, sold as "donut holes", are the complete opposite of the gaping vortices in the middle of donuts and are responsible for all matter and light in the universe.

Why are the police stationed permanently around donut shops? For your protection! To be swallowed whole by a donut is an incredibly painful and stupid way to die. And if by chance you happened to inadvertently experiment with a "white" hole, all of life as we know it could be destroyed. A thankless and dangerous job, these guardians of the abyss have. The next time you drive by, you might just stop in to thank them for the work they are doing.

Eating peanut butter and jelly,
Doctor Nucleus