Dear Doctor Nucleus,

I have been hearing about something called "The Doppler Shift.” Does this have anything to do with doppelgangers?

Chris


Dear Chris,

Doppler Shifts and Doppelgangers are indeed related although probably not in the way that you are thinking. Dopples (or the German variation, Doppels) are creatures, which appear to be a cross between an opossum and a handbag. This appearance is deceptive, however, since nothing crosses with an opossum except cars and trucks. Overly cheerful and almost completely defenseless, Dopples were immediately made to sign-away all of their rights and then employed by a major chemical manufacturer. Taking advantage of their lack of Scientific schooling, their employer convinced the Dopples to cleanout toxic waste sludge pits. Crews made up solely of Dopples ("Doppelgangers") marched to their gruesome fate after all the other workers had gone home. This time is known as the Doppler Shift in their honor.

After various and almost totally lethal mutations made the Dopples unable to work, their bosses accused them of substance abuse and made them submit to quasi-random drug testing. Broken in spirit, unable to pass drug screening, and unable to pay for medical treatment, those survivors of the sludge pits found the only work for which they were qualified: fry cooks at fast food restaurants and petty thieves (Doppelgansters). Since both those jobs are soon to be automated, Dopples are doomed to the same fate as the Edsel, the Passenger pigeon, and American statesmen.

Let us rule the battle by means of the elements!
Doctor Nucleus