Dear Doctor Nucleus,

Although I want to become a great Scientist like you, I don't have the money or grades to attend some prestigious institution for years to get my degree. Help me, please! How can I get the Scientific education that I want and need?

Concernedly,
Edward Showen Teller

Dear Teddy,

A Scientist does not need a highfalutin university to confer some worthless scrap of ram's epidermis upon him. To a Scientist candidate, the whole world is an education.

If your time is limited, the most direct route to greatness would be home study. Get up late in the afternoon, mornings are for non-Scientists, and brew yourself a pot of triple strength coffee. Drink it all; Science has no half measures. Time for breakfast! Stock up on Captain Crunch, Twinkies, and more coffee. Now stare into the mirror and chant, "Science is Truth -- Truth is Science" for about an hour. This will get you close to the mind state where your brain is ready to receive great Truths.

Find a TV station showing movies about great Scientists, preferably those of Bert I. Gordon ("The Amazing Colossal Man" and "Earth Vs. the Spiders”.) Set an electric fan, turning at precisely 60 rpm, in front of the screen and watch the movie through the turning blades. This stroboscopic effect simulates "cat naps" which all great Scientists must take. Sleepy? Time for more coffee and, for health reasons, microwave popcorn.

Be a Scientist, act the part! Write down all observations in steno notebooks. Mutter to yourself. In bookstores' Science sections, fling books off shelves and scream "Lies! Lies! Damnable lies!" Soon you will get the respect you deserve.

Scientifically,
Dr. Nucleus