Dear Dr. Nukie,

Perhaps you can help me with my philosophical dilemma:

You, see, I realize that I am a hypocrite. (Everyone is, to some degree or another.) Having realized this, I further reflect that hypocrites never recognize themselves. This has been proven scientifically. In any group, if you point out hypocrisy, everyone always assumes you're talking about the others. So if I recognize myself, I cannot be a hypocrite, since they never do. So I'm not a hypocrite. But if I don't believe I'm a hypocrite, I really am, since. . . Whew! Can you straighten out this poor little elf before she goes completely bonkers?

Perplexed,
The Elf


Dear Elf,

What an interesting occupation, a hypocrite! "Hypocrite" is the French spelling for hippocrate. "Hippo", as any school child knows, are large, water-dwelling mammals that can run 45 miles per hour. "Crate" is a wooden slatted box. Greek doctors were forced to minister to the medical needs of any person or animal. The worst case had to be giving enemas to constipated hippos. These four-ton, four-footed creatures were so bad tempered when "blocked" that they had to be restrained in specially reinforced oaken boxes. To prove that young interns were serious about becoming doctors, they were required to take a solemn vow upon these boxes. This was the so-called "Oath of Hippocrates."

Your confusion is an outgrowth of standing too near the hippocrates. Hippo manure is known to be psychoactive. The others whom you suspect of being fellow hippocrates may well be illusory phantoms brought on by your intoxication. So, back off, sit down and breathe some fresh air. You'll be fine.

Glad to help someone who is helping animals,
Dr. Nucleus