Dear Dr. Nucleus,

My New-Age wife just bought a negative ion generator from a shop down in Berkeley. She claims that it will purify our air and make us feel better. Is there anything to that? How does a negative ion generator work?

An Okie from Oakland

Dear Woody,

You are certainly not out of the woods yet. Here is the forest and the trees.

Ions are charged particles, which were first accidentally invented by the Ionian Greeks. Ionians loved their mountainous country so much they named it Bel Mont (or "purty hills" in Okie-speak). Lead by Ulysses D'ion, they conquered most of the known world (an area about the size of Los Angeles but with less smog). The Ionians sang as they marched and sailed. You may remember the smash hit (which is what Ionians did to everyone else) "The Wanderer" by D'ion and the Belmonts.

After a particularly heavy charge against the shield walls of the Trojans, lead by Prophylaxis the Ram-skinned, parts of Ionians (especially their genitalia) were found all over the battlefield. "Keep your i-on the ball" became the bi-word for this resistance to Greek conquest.

Pi-ons were the less forceful Greeks who became mathematicians and bakers. Spurning conquest, they believed in seductive theorems and confections. These "negative ions" are the opposite of ions; they neither smash nor hit. Instead, they feel that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Hint to a Young Scientist: Never let a negative ion become your cardiologist!

As far as your wife's claims, I think mathematics and Twinkees make me feel much better than getting smashed and hit. Think about it.

Make my-on a pi-on,
Dr. Nucleus