Dear Dr. Nucleus:

I have noticed that you have managed to get in a few "jabs" (well deserved, I might add) at lawyers. This brings up a few of questions; Are lawyers a necessary evil? Are they even necessary or are they just evil? Do lawyers and scientists mix or is that analogous to oil and water? Thank you.

Signed,

Hope I Never Need One


Dear Hope,

Sad to say, lawyers are the creation of Science. First germinated in retorts (“torts" in lawyerese), these primeval beings were grown to fill the need for Scientific assistants. The Scientists dressed their creatures in small lab coats ("briefs") and encouraged ("petitioned") them to work. Unfortunately, all these nonunion nonhelpers could do is attack each other with needles ("suing") or drink lab ethanol ("party of the first part") until they could only hold onto benches ("lien") or lie senseless on the floor ("habeas corpus"). Attempts to teach them to print ("writ") were met with rejection ("nongratuity") and were seen by the lawyers as just more work ("encumbrance").

Eventually, the saddened Scientific community was forced to neuter ("subpoena") these lie-abouts ("lawyers") and cast them from their laboratories. The lawyers are still waiting to be asked back (the "summons") but Scientists still remember all their hopes being crushed ("dissolution") and will not soon repeat their mistake. The plaintive lawyer cry "Whereas?" means "Where is a laboratory for us?" Science can only answer back, "LABORATORY. If you had spent more time on the first five letters and less on the last seven, you would be home by now!" Of course, this "injunction" merely baffles lawyers.

Oil and water, Hope? No, more like liquid sodium and a Scientist's tears.

Hope I never need one either,
Dr. Nucleus