Dear Dr. Nucleus,

Help, O savior of prosimians!

I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account. Now, every time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink". Except when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked".

What do I do?

Distressed

Dear Distressed Pawn of the Conspiracy,

Accidentally let a lemur log onto your computer! Like it was an "accident" that got the American forces into Vietnam fighting Ho Chi-a-pet Minh (a well documented lemur sympathizer); another "accident" that let Jack Ruby stroll unmolested into the basement of the Dallas Police building to shoot Lee-mur Harvey Oswald; an "accident" or two which killed Bruce and Brandon Lee-mur. Lemurs have been involved with everything from the disappearance of Socks Clinton to the secret meaning of the Great Seal of the United States.

Lemurs lost their continent, Lemuria, by their arboreal foolishness and now want to take over America, renaming it "New Madagascar". Soon the animal gliding amongst our treasured redwoods will not be Rocket J. Squirrel from Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, but Leapin' Lanny Colugo from Malaysia.

Don't let on to your ring-tailed pal that his Lemuridae fellow traveler (Robert E. Lee-mur's horse's name was Traveler -- coincidence?) is wise to his large-eyed schemes. Take lemur and a bottle of petroleum jelly down to dockside where an oceangoing freighter is heading back to that green hell, Madagascar. Smear petroleum jelly on his feet and stick him to the side of the vessel. His suction-pad feet will adhere to steel. Let Madagascar deal with him after that. Throw away your computer; no amount of cleansing could possibly help.

I am profoundly sorry,
Dr. Nucleus