Dear Dr. Nucleus:

Since our hamster just died, quite suddenly, I was wondering if you could educate me as to the correlations between rodent longevity and the size of rodent populations. Please also include how this might relate to the number of fleas infesting my house.

Sincerely,
A worried mother

Dear Worried Mother,

Rodents do not live beyond most experiments within the care of Scientists. Although counseling and birth control methods have sought to improve the quality of their miserable lives, rodent suicide is a fact of life. When they have reach a life-goal (such as getting cancer or having all their hair fall out) at the end of a Scientific experiment, their will-to-live goes down to the bottom of the cage. They soon follow.

Some pseudo-Scientists, the so-called "sociologists," have tried foisting a religion onto these furry lab assistants. The delusion of a rodent deliverer gained a fleeting claw-hold in some laboratories. Although the suicide rate declined, no experiments could be conducted on Tuesdays (the day of the "family special" at a local pizza parlor). Scientists then had to act as deprogrammers to rescue the deluded mice. The debunking of Chuckee Cheese as the Mousia was a tough but worthwhile struggle. The chant “Cheeses loves the little mousies” still echoes in some laboratory pens despite all efforts to suppress the cult.

So there you have it. Mice, hamsters, rats are ephemeral creatures who dance in the light for a brief, fiery moment and are then gone. If you want something more permanent, try a pet rock or get a long little doggie.

Yours for a refreshingly more Scientific world,
Dr. Nucleus