Seafaring Stealth
In the mountains of an unknown land, two men stand
guard at the entrance to their base.
“It was a horrible idea to turn this
mental institution into a castle.”
“Yeah, I
know, Bob. It was made to keep people in, not keep people
out.”
“Precisely...and who exactly are we
protecting ourselves from? I don't think anyone's going to attack the
middle of
what's the name of this country again?”
“Doesn't have one.
We all moved out here to avoid having to speak with a particular accent, and
having a name would just be inviting that sort of thing.”
“Hmm...convenient for anyone who writes about this place, I
suppose.”
“Yeah...it is.”
A few
minutes passed before either of the men spoke.
“So,
Larry...how's the wife?”
“Still broken. The guy said the
repair would cost fifty bucks. I just don't have that kind of money right
now.”
“What are you talking about?”
“My fife.
It's all
that's been on my mind lately. I love playing the fife.” Larry explained.
“I asked about your wife, man. It's a wonder they made you a
guard;
your hearing's less than reliable.”
Another few minutes passed
before the guards spoke again.
Larry broke the silence. “So...you
see anything?”
Inside the fortress, a drunken Evan
Braun, leader of the nameless country, hatched a plot. He was leaning
over a map, explaining his plans to his advisors.
“How
prepaaarred ahh we foh a land invasion?
“Uhh...sir? This country is
an island “ Pennington Royalbottom, Braun's second in command
stated.
“You fohget tha sea floohh!”
“What
did he say?” Geraldo Smith, another advisor, asked
Royalbottom.
“He claims that we need to prepare for an invasion of
our country via the sea floor.” Royalbottom explained.
“This is
the last time we elect a president by way of
'Rock-Paper-Scissors!'” Wayland
Borland shouted out.
“Oh, you're just bitter because you
lost.
He threw 'Rock' every time! How could you not see that
coming?!”
“That's besides the point! This man is clearly drunk.” Wayland
stated.
“All the better! His planning won't be clouded by
inhibitions
like striving for coherence or worrying about being defeated!” Geraldo Smith
argued.
“Double-Decker Bus!” Evan Braun exclaimed before
taking another swig of vodka. A hush fell over the advisors. “Nooooowww
gentlemen. We need to invade...thiiiis borda here.”
“Sir...that's our border.” Royalbottom explained.
“You're out of orda! This whole syyyssttem's outta orda!”
Braun
yelled. He then went on a rampage, kicking no fewer than five crotches.
Royalbottom tackled him and calmed the rest of the room with a soothing rendition of
“Up Where We Belong.”
“Now sir, if I could
direct your attention to this intelligence report.”
“Laayyyy it on
me.”
“Alright. Our agents have discovered a secret facility in
the middle of That Other Country.”
“Peculiar name,
isn't
it? Must have been named by an American.” Borland interjected.
“Agreed. But let's get to the matter at hand. This secret facility
“
“Actually, by definition it's no longer a secret facility if
we
know about it.” Geraldo pointed out.
“Fine,”
Royalbottom conceded as he grew agitated, “this formerly secret
facility in That Other Country has been training a new breed of secret agent...you may
want to sit down for this, sir.”
“I'm nooottt
aaalllready
sittin'? Heh. How 'bout that?”
“Yes...well. These
secret
agents pose an unparalleled threat to our security. I, like everyone else
here, have the utmost faith in Bob and Larry, but it would be unreasonable
to expect them to be able to protect us from these agents.” Royalbottom
stated. Gasps filled the room as the advisors realized the gravity of the situation.
“Gentlemen, these agents are Pirate Ninjas.”
“Oh, good lord!”
“The end is near!”
“Arm the nukes!”
“Fancy Feast!”
“How can we stop that?!”
“Gentlemen!
Please allow me to divulge all of this information before you utilize your cyanide
pills!” The men quieted down and allowed Pennington Royalbottom to continue
with his report. “These Pirate Ninjas “
“Oh
god!”
“Ahem.” Pennington glanced at the
overreacting advisor. “These Pirate Ninjas have the ability to cross great
oceans and operate with the utmost stealth when on land. We've never faced a
force
of this magnitude, but we must stand strong!”
“Get the
priest in here! We must pray together.” Borland declared.
The
priest entered and awaited the requests of the advisors.
“Alright, father, we need to do some praying.” Borland
explained.
“Father,” said Joe Absurdsfeld,
“I'm not a religious man, but it is my understanding that this god of
yours
has superpowers. One such power is the ability to create objects at will. It is for this
reason that I prompt you to use your prayers to convince this 'god' to create
hundreds
of the following objects: 1. Helicopter Trains, 2. Armchairs made of cheese,
3. Half-men/Half-Robot Police Officers...”
“Absurdsfeld!
Enough of this nonsense! How are any of those things supposed to help us defeat the
Pirate Ninjas? It is quite obvious that we should be using God to get us vast amounts
of chocolate coins!” Borland stated.
“How are dulcet
doubloons going to help us?” Geraldo inquired.
“I think I see
what Wayland's getting at.” Royalbottom declared. “Pirates love
treasure specifically gold. So, if we place a large bounty in some sort of
trap, they will be inevitably attracted to it. Then not even their stealthy parrots will
be able to save them!”
“But why chocolate? Why not real
gold?” Geraldo persisted.
“Because creating real gold would
require a much larger amount of God's resources resources that could be
used for
other things, like vacuum cleaners with saddles...and invisible
donkeys!”
“Well said!” Absurdsfeld exclaimed.
“So it's decided,” said Royalbottom. “The
priest will
combine his powers...or whatever it is he does, and we shall have gold
doubloons!”
Meanwhile, Larry and Bob continued to hold down the
fort.
“Well that's what I thought, too, but as it turns
out, the gerbil wouldn't even fit.”
Bob comforted Larry,
“It's probably for the best.”
“Yeah, I
suppose
you're right.”
After a few minutes, Larry spoke again.
“So...what'd the wife make you for lunch?”
“Ham and trout on pumpernickel.”
“Man...that's
gonna be sweet.”
“Oh yeah.”
“You're a lucky guy, Bob. I'd give anything to spend one
night away
from the agonizing torture my existence becomes when I go home to an empty house
and it feels like the Devil himself is laughing at me as I desperately cling to the last
shred of hope I have of finding someone to dull the unbearable pain of my
life.”
“Yeah. I guess I am lucky.”
There was
another long pause.
“Do you hear that, Larry?”
“Nah, meerkats aren't so much scary as they are
cunning.”
“It almost sounds like a plane...” Bob continued. “Hey! It
is a plane! We're saved!”
“Uhh...Bob? Saved from
what?”
“Oh, right. I'll go sound the
alarm!”
Bob ran inside the fortress and up the six flights of stairs to the roof. He
caught his breath, and then sprinted to the tower that housed the air raid siren.
Immediately after activating the alarm, the tower was struck by the incoming
plane. Bob was killed instantly.
After the dust settled, it was
discovered that the craft was from the Clichι Confection Company. The plane carried
at least nine tons of chocolate coins with gold wrappers. The aircraft had landed
directly on the helipad, and so it was lowered into the interior of the edifice.
Inside the redoubt, the advisors formulated a plan.
“We
should get Larry in here. We need our best man guarding those coins!”
suggested Borland. Larry was retrieved, and given orders to preserve the cargo
of the plane at all costs.
“Now...with that taken care of, we can
get to our defensive strategy.” Royalbottom declared.
“Banana microscopes!”
“Yes,
Absurdsfeld, very ni wait...that wasn't you. That was
Wayland.”
“Yes it was! I just finished my crossword puzzle! Boo yeah!”
exclaimed Borland.
“Excellent...but when the Pirate Ninjas
attack, crossword puzzles aren't going to be of any help to us.”
“What about for paper cuts?”
“Yeah!”
“For paper cuts!”
“Alright, yes. They
could be used for paper cuts...but can't we come up with another form of
defense?”
Absurdsfeld proposed the vote, “All in favor
of using crossword puzzles as our only form of defense say
'Robocop!'”
The vote was unanimous.
Royalbottom shuddered and stated,
“Very well. I quit. You're all screwed. Good-bye.”
Shortly
after Pennington departed, a shriek was heard from somewhere in the
fortification. The advisors concluded that it came from Larry's direction and
proceeded in that direction.
Geraldo was the first to arrive at the scene. He
exclaimed, “Aww crap! This isn't right! This isn't right at all!
There's a
pirate hook shuriken sticking into his forehead! Laaaaarrrrryyyyyy!”
One of the advisors exclaimed “They're he “ His statement was
cut
short as he was impaled by a spyglass and a sextant simultaneously.
“Oh god!”
“What can we do?”
“Muffins!”
“A Pirate Ninja by any other name would
still be a serial killer!”
“Agreed!”
The rest
of the advisors were systematically murdered by the Pirate Ninjas who had been
hiding in the cargo bay of the plane. A barrage of peg-leg nunchaku and tornados of
eye patches and beards left the men with no escape. It was a massacre.
The
carnage finally ended with a celebratory “Arrr!” from the Pirate Ninjas.
However, the festivities were abruptly ended when Royalbottom busted into the
room holding a stack of starched paper.
“Die, seafaring
senseis!” He proceeded to run around the room throwing the paper at the
Pirate Ninjas. He managed to kill at least three dozen of them, but in the
end, their numbers were just too great. Royalbottom fell with the point of a Pirate
Ninja's hat sticking into his back.
Evan Braun then entered the
room,
calling out to the assailants, “Hey...yooou baaastards! Polly wanna
cracka?!” He had brought as many assault rifles as he could carry, and
he opened fire on the crowd. “I need a driiiinnnkkkk!” He added. The
Pirate Ninjas easily dodged the drunken volley, and Braun was soon parrot
food.
“Raahhhtt! I need a drink!” declared one of the avian
attackers.
“Arrr, I think we all need a drink!” The
head Pirate Ninja agreed. The Pirate Ninjas broke into bellowing laughter, and
then killed anyone else left in the building.
The moral of the story is that one
should never cross a Pirate Ninja. They'll first cross the sea then cut you in three.