The Fall and Rise of the Squirrel - Story B
Private Clinten had joined the army wanting to preserve the way of life that he had become accustomed to. He had been raised in the southern United States, and he grew up in a great deal of luxury, as his father owned the largest clothes hanger factory in the region. Recently, however, the private's father had been forced to close down his factory due to pollution caused by an oil company in the area. This was added incentive for the private to join the army, as he was now very, very poor. He was currently stationed in the trenches and was commanded by Sergeant Acumen.
Sergeant Acumen was a large man, equipped with the standard issue Thompson and field jacket. He looked much like the men under his command, except for the symbol showing his rank. From his boondockers to his M-1 helmet, he was the embodiment of determination. He had been made a sergeant immediately upon entering the army because his father was the wealthy owner of an oil company. He had also been instilled with a complete adverseness to common sense and a lack of respect for human life.
The sound of machine guns and grenades shook the ground as the sergeant and his crew hunkered down in the trench and attempted to stave off death for a while longer. They had been reduced to feeble shells of men, not knowing if they would ever see their families again. The sergeant peered over the top of the trench and saw the dragons without any chinks in their armor. They breathed fire that made corpses of the advancing men.
“Alright men, get ready for another try!” the sergeant commanded.
“But Sir,” Private Clinten interjected, “forgive my questioning your authority, but our last few attempts haven't been all that successful, given the machine guns and whatnot, and I was thinkin' that we could maybe come up with another plan. You know...one that didn't involve us climbing out of this here hole and running into certain death.”
“Let me get this right, private. You want me to disobey a direct order from my captain just cuz you're a little pansy who doesn't want to get out there and fight for his country?!”
“I still want to fight, sir, I was just thinkin' we could use a different method,” Private Clinten reasoned. The other men in the squad agreed with the private, and this angered the sergeant.
“Traitors! All of ya! If you aren't gonna fight this war with me, I'll do it alone! The captain's orders will be successful, and I'll prove it!” the sergeant retorted. With that, the sergeant climbed up the side of the trench and began to run towards the enemy, seeking shelter when he was able to and firing wildly when he was not.
Seconds later, Private Clinten picked up the rolling helmet of Sergeant Acumen and placed it on his head. “Well, I guess that makes me sergeant,” he said. “All in favor of comin' up with a new plan, stay in the trench.” The privates did not move - they were paralyzed like something that couldn't move. “Then it's settled. And I have an idea.”
The newly-crowned sergeant told the others of his plan, which involved a squirrel, a catapult and many, many steroids. Clinten described the grandeur of the squirrel impressively. The squad were nearly convinced, but then found a flaw in the plan, as they reasoned that a squirrel simply could not throw a catapult, even if it were given a large amount of steroids. The men came up with another scheme, but it was also thwarted, as they could not find an artichoke anywhere in the trench. Finally, the squad devised a good plan, and they gathered the necessary items. They would end the war - they would be the heroes.
The squad waited and waited for the proper time to send their plan into action. And then they waited a while longer. Finally, in a rare moment of silence, Sergeant Clinten found a translator and had him yell his message to the enemy. Clinten yelled, “Hey, you guys! Isn't this stupid?” and the translator relayed the message.
The translator for the enemy replied, “Yes.”
“Wanna call it quits?”
“Okay.”
“Well, alright then. You heard the man. Let's go home, boys,” Sergeant Clinton stated. The men rejoiced and made their way out of the trench.
After the war, Sergeant Clinten was hailed as a hero, but he deferred the credit to a squirrel, which had been the catalyst for a train of thought that led to the end of the conflict. The squirrel received the Nobel Peace Prize and a gift basket from the president which was quite extravagant. The rodent was also the feature of many parades thereafter, and eventually developed a clothing line. The clothing line was sold only on Clinten clothes hangers, thus reviving the family business.