Two Dollar Hero
It was a slow afternoon on the T, traveling into Boston, when the attention of the passengers was attracted by a confrontation at the front of the train. The conductor, a middle-aged man who was obviously from Boston, was the person collecting the fares, and he believed that one patron, Jim, had not paid in full.
“Hey buddy!” the conductor yelled, “How much did you put in?”
“It was three dollas,” Jim replied. Jim was a man in his mid twenties who was more than willing to participate in the imminent power struggle.
“That wasn't three dollas!” the conductor yelled as he followed Jim to the back of the train.
Jim replied, “Yeah it was!”
“No it wasn't! I've been workin' this job long enough to know that three dollas don't go down that hole that easy! And it's against the law to not pay ya feah!”
“It was three dollas! We can open it up and check!”
“It was not three dollas! It's against the law to not pay ya feah!”
“I paid the fuckin' three dollas! You're just tryin' to embarrass me!”
“Alright, pal. If I see you on this train again, you're gonna fan out that three dollas! That was not three dollas! It wouldn't go down that easy!” With that, the conductor walked back to his post, crowning himself victor.
Of course, Jim would not let this verdict stand, and added his two or three cents, “Ok, but you're wrong. You're wrong!”
Jim found a seat, feeling as though everyone was still staring at him. They weren't, as the other people were too busy holding back laughter or thinking of how much better than him they were. It was an uneasy silence - Jim was left sitting with only his thoughts, his scowl and his ruined day. Soon after he had settled in, he was startled by a voice coming from beneath his seat.
“Hey Jim! The name's Graham Roper,” the voice proclaimed. At this point, Jim looked around as if others should have been noticing this. “Don't worry about them, my friend! They're ignoring you like a crying baby in church! Listen here, Jim. I'm a man who provides a service to those in need of it - a very useful service. I maintain a portable space which people can crawl into and die when they're feeling so inclined - and you definitely seem to be in such a situation. So, how 'bout it? The first one's free! That's an offer I'm only making for you! Nobody else is gonna get that kinda deal!”
Jim, seeing no apparent reason to keep on living, looked around once more, and then crawled into the space beneath his seat. “So this is it,” he thought. He then closed his eyes and braced for the imminent end of his existence. After waiting a few seconds, he felt a sharp pain in the back of his head - almost as if someone had smacked him. “Well that's not death. Maybe that was just a warm-up or somethin',” he reasoned.
“Open your eyes, Jim. We have to get a move on!” Graham ordered, having lost some of his salesman-esque tone. Jim opened his eyes to reveal a terrain of beautiful rolling hills, deep forests and photograph-worthy skies.
“What? Why aunt I dead? Wait - maybe I am dead! Ha-ha! No more student loan payments for me!”
“No, Jim. You're not dead. You're here because the elders thought that you must be the bravest man of all if you dared not pay your T fare.”
“I paid the fuckin' three dollas!”
“Let's get going, we've no time to waste. Oh, and you're going to have to fill in all of the mystical and zany dragon-filled adventures stuff yourself. There'll be none of that during our trip. The tribunal meets about five minutes from here,” Graham explained. The two began walking towards the castle which housed the elders.
“What tha fuck is this? I'm supposed to be dead!”
“Well you sort of are, Jim. The old you who wouldn't have had the courage to challenge the MBTA is dead. This is a new, more powerful you!”
“Shut tha hell up. I paid the three dollas - let's go get this cleah'd up.”
The duo entered the castle and walked into the meeting room. The tribunal were dressed in long, flowing robes and smiled at Jim as he walked by.
The leader of the council stepped forward and greeted Jim, “We've been waiting for someone like you, Jim! We've been waiting for the bravest mortal to come forth and slay the dragon that has been terrorizing this land. You've proven yourself to be just such a mortal with your actions on the T. Only the bravest of men would dare challenge the MBTA.” The council members shuddered upon hearing the dreaded acronym.
“I paid tha fuckin' three dollas! I don't know what you people ah talking about!”
“Good Jim! That's the kind of fighting spirit you're going to need to defeat that evil dragon! Fellow councilmen, this is our savior! Let us get him the proper dragon-defeating equipment!”
And so, after much convincing, Jim was forced talked into battling the dragon. Luckily, the dragon's only weakness was a person not pronouncing his “er's” correctly. Jim swiftly defeated the dragon, which changed his expletives from panicked to triumphant. After a large celebration sponsored by the council, Jim was told that he was no longer useful and he was shoved back out the hole by which he had entered.
Jim found himself back on the T and still being ignored by the other passengers.
“Hey buddy, I see you,” the conductor stated, looking in his mirror, “Don't worry, I won't bite-cha!”
Jim approached the exit, which was right next to the conductor.
The conductor said calmly, “Just tell me you're short next time - don't lie about it.”
“I didn't lie! That was three dollas!”
“That was not three dollas! I'm gonna report ya at the end of tha day! I'm sendin' in ya description!”
“Hey, whatever - that was three dollas.”
“That was not! Don't lie to me!” the conductor shouted. The doors of the train then opened and Jim made his way out of the train.
The conductor shouted after him, “You betta have three dollas next time you try getting' on this train!”
“O.K., pal. Whatever you say - but you're wrong!” Jim shouted back as the doors closed. He provided a specimen for the conductor's bird watching club, then put his hands in his pockets and started to walk away. He was having trouble grasping all that had transpired. As Jim was walking toward the exit of the train station, he felt some type of paper in his pocket. He took the paper out and realized that it was two dollar bills folded together.