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There and Back Again:
Second Draft Screenplay - A. Goldman, S. Secunda, C. Andres
A
Kitchen
VERONICA
is in her kitchen preparing lunch. She is, apparently, home alone. She buzzes
about busily. She sets down a fork, a knife, and a spoon and goes to get a plate
and a glass. Whatever she’s making, it’s obvious that it’s in
mid-preparation. She reads Camus’ The Stranger. As she sits down to
eat, she hears a disembodied voice.
PETRUCHIO
She
can’t do it.
Clearly,
VERONICA is distressed. She looks around, but sees no one, and returns to her
book.
MERCUTIO
She
can!
PETRUCHIO
No,
she can’t.
VERONICA
looks all around her, peeks out of the kitchen. She sits back down.
MERCUTIO
Look,
I’m telling you, she can.
VERONICA
looks down. Apparently her silverware is talking.
VERONICA
What
the fuck...?
MERCUTIO
(Fork)
Oh,
hello there!
VERONICA
What
the fuck?
MERCUTIO
Thank
god we got your attention, Monica!
VERONICA
It’s
Veronica.
PETRUCHIO
(Spoon)
Whatever.
Never mind him, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
MERCUTIO
Quiet,
you.
There
is an awkward pause.
VERONICA
So...
Why are you talking?
MERCUTIO
Good
question! You see, Veronica... You must save the world!
VERONICA
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
PETRUCHIO
You
see, I told you she wouldn’t do it!
MERCUTIO
Yes,
she will!
PETRUCHIO
She
couldn’t, anyway, even if she wanted to.
VERONICA
Hey,
fuck you!
MERCUTIO
Yeah,
seriously!
VERONICA
I
meant you, too!
GERALD
(Knife)
Hey,
don’t I have a say?
MERCUTIO/PETRUCHIO
Shut
up, Gerald.
VERONICA,
clearly and justifiably perturbed, snatches all three utensils and walks calmly
to the drawer from which she took them. Upon opening it, she is bombarded by
countless yelling voices: “Hey, we’re trying to sleep in here!” “I’m
changing!” “Shut the damned door!” Etc. etc..
VERONICA
Well
this is certainly unexpected.
SHE
returns to the table, sits down, gathers her thoughts, and spreads the utensils
out on her plate.
VERONICA
Now.
What exactly is it that I need to do?
MERCUTIO
Save
the world!
PETRUCHIO
Go
to Hell.
VERONICA
Look,
erm... Spoon. Guy.
PETRUCHIO
Call
me Pete.
MERCUTIO
I’m
Mark.
VERONICA
I
don’t care! I just want to do whatever it is that I need to do so I can eat my
lunch, alright?
MERCUTIO
I
knew you’d be agreeable. We need you to save the world.
VERONICA
From
what?
MERCUTIO
It
will be a journey fraught with peril.
VERONICA
Where
to?
MERCUTIO
And
you may die!
VERONICA
Wait,
what? Die?
MERCUTIO
But
still, you are our only hope!
VERONICA
I
don’t want to die!
PETRUCHIO
See?
Coward!
VERONICA
Shut
up!
MERCUTIO
Look,
we’ll leave you alone, but you need to go out and save the world, alright?
VERONICA
Well,
I’m reluctant. It’s like I’m some kind of hero who needs to overcome a
fear so I can cross the threshold to a strange world so I can return to this, my
regular world, with new knowledge and experience.
Silence.
MERCUTIO
Off
you go! You’ll be taking Gerald with you.
VERONICA
But
why?
MERCUTIO
He
saved the world last time. He’s kinda like your teacher, your guide, your—
VERONICA
—mentor?
MERCUTIO
Sure.
Now go!
VERONICA,
clutching GERALD in her hand, heads for the front door.
GERALD
Don’t
worry, we’ll be back in an hour or so!
As
they approach the DOOR, it begins to speak.
ARLENE
I
must warn you—
VERONICA
jumps, startled.
VERONICA
Aah!
ARLENE
Right,
sorry. I talk, too. Anyhow, I must warn you: Once you cross this threshold,
there is no turning back.
VERONICA
Didn’t
you hear Sharps McPointy? We’ll be back in an hour.
ARLENE
Oh,
alright. Have fun!
THEY
exit.
PETRUCHIO
An
hour or so, eh? We’ll just see about that!
PETRUCHIO
laughs maniacally.
Cue
LORD OF THE RINGS soundtrack as they cross VERONICA’s lawn and driveway.
Obviously this is epic.
VERONICA
So.
Where are we going?
GERALD
To
the city!
VERONICA
Any
city in particular, or—
GERALD
TO
THE CITY, wench! Gid’yap!
They
proceed together to go to BOSTON. We see a kind of montage: They board the T,
eat ice cream together, take pictures in a photo booth, etc.. It’s a day on
the town, basically. Petruchio is seen hanging about, too, unnoticed by our pair
of intrepid adventurers. They go into a restaurant and eat together.
GERALD
Well
that was fun.
VERONICA
I’ll
say!
GERALD
Now,
about saving the world...
Suddenly
(and without warning) a waiter comes by and grabs the plate that GERALD has been
lying on.
VERONICA
Wait!
Gerald! No!
The
whole restaurant turns to look at her.
GERALD
Gaah!
Veronica, you must find the hydrant! The hydrant will know what to do!
VERONICA
Where?
Where is the hydrant!?
GERALD
Seek
the bench!
...And
GERALD is taken into the kitchen. VERONICA tries to run after him but can’t
get in. So, disheartened, she leaves. She searches the city everywhere she can
think of, questioning different benches and different hydrants until, at last...
OBIE
(Bench)
Pss!
Over here!
VERONICA
Yes?
OBIE
Did
Gerald send you?
VERONICA
Yes!
OBIE
You
must go across the street and buy a pack of gum. Doing so will save the world.
VERONICA
But
how?
OBIE
Time
is of the essence! All will be made clear!
VERONICA
goes to buy the pack of gum. However, in the middle of the road is... Petruchio!
He glares menacingly.
PETRUCHIO
Not
so fast, mortal!
VERONICA
Petruchio!
But how? You haven’t got legs!
PETRUCHIO
You
raise a good point!
Silence.
PETRUCHIO
Anyhow,
I’m here to stop you from saving the world!
VERONICA
But
why?
PETRUCHIO
Well,
you see, ever since I was a little baby spoon my parents raised me to hate
humans. I was told that one day a human would come along intent on destroying
the utensil way of life once and for all! That human is you, Veronica, and I
decided that I must surely stop you in order to save my friends. You see, for
eons past there has been a war waged between the different types of silverware,
and the bloodshed has reached the—
While
he’s rambling on, VERONICA has gone into the store and bought gum.
VERONICA
HA!
PETRUCHIO
Dammit!
Dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! This always happens!
VERONICA
picks him up off the ground.
PETRUCHIO
I’ll
get you next time, Veronica! This isn’t over yet!
VERONICA
Get
off of my plane!
SHE
throws him down an open sewer grate.
PETRUCHIO
Nooooo!
VERONICA
Well
that’s the end of that chaper!
HORATIO
(Gum)
Yep!
Let’s go home! We deserve it!
VERONICA
eats a stick of gum.
HORATIO
My
liver! You bitch!
FIN
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