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Diamond

By Kati Frazier

Truth, beauty, freedom, and love: the principles of the bohemian revolution. Alas I was born in the wrong era. As a child of the 90's I am not familiar with most of these things, and I doubt I ever will be, yet I beleive in them. They are perhaps the most dificult words to define in all of language, espescially love.

Above all I believe in love.

I could not tell you what true love is if my life depended on it. I doubt if i am capable of it. Really, with all the anger bent up inside me, the fear, the sadness, could love survive in there? Of course not, it's like a candle in a room without air. No fire, no light.

I am told that I am loved. How strange, how foreign, and for a moment even glorious. There is this amazing splendor to it, a magic only I see, then it dies, there is no air to sustain it. The cold steel smothers it.

I am so undeserving.

I am so afraid that I cannot return it, that I will break a heart as mine has been shattered so many times before. I have a diamond in my hands, and I am not allowed to drop it, the weight is too much for me to bear.

There is little more than to return love. A fair exchange. I want to love so badly, but I cannot. I have stricken dozens of matches over and over till they have snapped, still no fire.

I want to love him but I cannot, how trivial and heartless the phrase: "I would if I could, but I cant so I won't." Because I can and perhaps I would if I allowed it.

I fear I am snapping the matches on purpose, that some eternal flame awaits just one strike.

And now I have this diamond. A stone with a thousand facets of briliant light. And it has found it's way to my heart. I thought I had no heart left, perhaps I had let myself forget, or made myself forget. and now the harsh light is shining through a diamond in my chest.

Burning

Yes burning. A fire small and hopeful, weak and vibrant, full of more beautiy than a thousand sunsets, a thousand faces.

Now I can do what I have longed for, I can love. Finally I let myself feel the only emotion that matters, the one thing I am sure I beleive in.

I want to cry I want to laugh I want to die.

I have love and I can give it.

But what am I going to do with it?

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