Links - Political Rants - Philosophy - Music - Quotes - Movies - Random - Worst of the Web - Guest Writings - Ratings

The Big Fizzle

Chas Andres

Darkness

Narrator: Deep inside the Kremlin, the Three top Russian officials decided to hold a meeting that would ultimately decide the fate of a superpower, for better or for worse............

BACKLIGHTS fade up slowly to reveal THREE MEN sitting around a table. They are all facing the audience, which is later revealed to be the "big board".

the feeling you get of the meeting is somewhat laxidasical, to say the least. Three of the men have their feet up on the table, and are staring into space. Crumple papers, and liquor bottles lie around in abandon.

FILL AND KEY LIGHTS fade up as a rustling is heard in the distance. This grows into footsteps, and finally, a messenger stumbles into the scene holding an IMPORTANT LOOKING PAPER.

IVAN: (with surprise and anger): "Alexi!" (man stands up) "How dare you enter the board room! This is an extremely important meeting for authorized personnel used only to discuss issues of dire national security!" (he stresses the last word to the breaking point)

BORIS: (frantic) Gets up, runs to the front of the stage, and tries to cover something 'hanging' right where the stage ends. "Don't look at the Big Board!"

ALEXI turns away from the big board, and hands IMPORTANT LOOKING PAPER to IVAN. "sorry, sorry, this paper is from General Romanov down in Odessa. He was hopping mad on the phone, sir. He seems to have misplaced some *cough cough* bombs."

(Boris sits back down)

IVAN: "Bombs? what kind of bombs? (patronizing) little bombs? SCUD missiles? Dynamite?.....

ALEXI: (visibly upset) "I believe that the total amounts to..."(grabs paper from a stunned IVAN) "Eleven nuclear warheads missing, presumed stolen by Iraqi militants."(he waits a second, and then finishes.) "Sir."

ALEXI drops paper, and walks out of the room.

(Pause for a few seconds, and then MIKHAIL picks up paper, tosses it to BORIS)

BORIS: "Okay....Now....Don't panic.."(he begins pacing)".....Don't panic.....Don't panic....."(he runs over to MIKHAIL, thrusts out the papers to him)"......You panic!" (Boris sits down, but still looks nervous, as everyone does now)

MIKHAIL: (calmly) "Well, let's stop and think about this. At any time, from any direction, 11 atomic bombs could come crashing down on our heads, causing nuclear war, and the destruction of the world as we know it."

At this, Boris jumps under the table, obviously scared. Mikhail pulls him out, and sits him back down.

MIKHAIL: "Calm down, Boris. Look. You were the one who didn't want to tell anyone about the submarine. Please, let me handle this one."

BORIS: "ME? (frantic) I wanted to tell everyone about that national tragedy! It was you!

IVAN: "Shut up! Both of you! We have a crisis on our hands. We should call General Romanov, and ask him about the details. It's probably a joke, it could be true. That's our job, so that's what we're going to do."

(IMIKHAIL picks up IMPORTANT PAPERS, and dials a number on the phone. Soon, General Romanov answers.)

MIKHAIL: "Hello General. Yes, I'm calling from the Kremlin. The big one in Moscow. Well, it seems that I received a report saying you misplaced some bombs. Yes General, Atom bombs. The big ones. Fine, I'll hold. "(MIKHAIL waits) "Hello again, general. Uh Huh. Okay, I'll deal with it. Yes I'm sure. No, you've been helpful. Really, you have. Don't worry about it, okay? Goodbye general." (MIKHAIL hangs up, pauses, and then addresses the cabinet) "Gentlemen, we're toast."

At this point, BORIS jumps under the table again, and MIKHAIL pulls him back out.

MIKHAIL: "Gain control of yourself, man! There's twenty tons of concrete over our heads! If the bomb somehow explodes over Moscow, that table won't be able to save you from getting crushed under all of that concrete!"

This cheers up BORIS, who sits down, somehow relieved.

IVAN: "Okay, MIKHAIL. Why are we toast?"

MIKHAIL: It's very simple. General Romanov is a personal friend of the Prime Minister. He is a bumbling idiot, and a drunkard to boot. (turns to audience) Because he wasn't seen as competent, and because he could not be fired, he was given one simple task: make sure that no one came near a missile silo in the western section of Odessa. Of course, this did not include happy hour, because one night when he was drinking, Iraqi militants snuck in and stole 11 warheads. It's only a matter of time before they hold a major metropolis hostage. The lack of foresight in one man will cause many, many lives to be lost. (overly dramatic) The world will crumble down on them, in one terrible moment of chaotic fury. Then it will all be over, they will all cry together as one, and then they will all fall as silent as death itself.

Dramatic Pause

BORIS: Well, then, I'm glad I don't live in New York.

IVAN: Why?

BORIS: Don't you ever watch American cinema? New York City never survives a movie without a disaster aimed at it. Floods, earthquakes, terrorists, fires....

IVAN: Stop it. This is real! It's not a movie!

BORIS: ...Famine, Giant Spiders, aliens, ducks, Godzilla, sharks........

IVAN: Shut up, Boris! We have to think about ways to get out of this mess!

BORIS: Fine, fine. But I'll take Moscow over New York any day.

MIKHAIL: Well, If this little dispute is settled, (glares at Boris), then we should move on. I suggest we contact Iraq immediately, and find out if their government knows about the bombs. If they deny it, we can look at our other options.

BORIS: You want to admit to the Iraqis that we lost some nuclear warheads, and they might have stolen them? That's crazy! We're all going to die!

IVAN: What about the Americans? We could call them in, and see if they could take our Bombs back by force!

BORIS: (sarcastic) Except for the fact that Iraq would have nothing to lose by blowing us both out of the water, I would agree with you.

MIKHAIL: Well, I haven't heard what you would suggest yet, Boris. Please, enlighten us.

BORIS: Okay. Here's my plan. We have to get those bombs to detonate in Iraq, right where they are. The only way to do this is to completely obliterate the middle east as we know it. If we strike first, we can still survive an all-out nuclear assault.

MIKHAIL: We can't just blow up a country we don't like! There is no proof that they stole our warheads!

IVAN: I donno, Mikhail. I like that idea. This way, we can shoot first and ask questions later.

MIKHAIL: (exasperated) Look! At least let me call up President Bush in America, and discuss this with him. He might be able to provide an alternate solution.

IVAN and BORIS nod in agreement.

MIKHAIL: Okay, I'll call him immediately.

Ivan takes phone, and dials the number for the white house. He gets an answer.

MIKHAIL: Hello? President Bush? Yes. this is a matter of national security. You see, one of our generals seems to have had some nuclear weapons stolen from him. Yes, nuclear weapons. what? N-U-C-L-E-A-R. Nuclear. What's on our mind? Well, we were wondering what to do about this situation. No, I think action is in order. Okay. Goodbye mister president.

BORIS: (excited) What'd he say?

MIKHAIL: He said to solve the problems ourselves. Apparently, he's in the middle of a raucous office party, and cannot be disturbed.

IVAN: Does this mean that we can blow up Iraq now?

MIKHAIL: (sighs) I'm afraid it does.

IVAN presses a small red button. A general alarm goes off in the background

IVAN: Well, the order is out. Good luck gentlemen. I'll see you in the fallout shelter at...(looks at watch)...0500 Hours.

The three men get up, and shake hands. While this is going on, the phone rings again. The men stand there, unable to move from fear.

MIKHAIL: I'll get it.

Ivan picks up the phone, and answers it.

MIKHAIL: Hello? Yes general. What? No more bombs? Well, did you look out back? Uh huh. How about in storage? Okay then. sorry to bother you. Bye.

BORIS: What did he want?

MIKHAIL: We're all out of bombs. Apparently, a peace movement recently defused the last of our supply. Gentlemen, We're unarmed.

SILENCE

MIKHAIL: Well, better call back Bush and see if he can cover for us.

IVAN: I can handle it. (dials white house again) Hello, Mr. President. We're all out of nuclear missiles. Can you spare any? Great! Iraq. no, not Iran, Iraq. I-R-A-Q. Yes, the dessert place. No! not IRAN! Look, can you let someone else handle this? Fine.Fine. Ten minutes? That'd be great. Goodbye, Mr. President.

BORIS: what a swell guy, that Bush.

IVAN: Yeah. He said we have ten minutes. Come on! Last one in the fallout shelter's a rotten egg!

BORIS: (fading into the distance) "I hope my dog will be OK. I forgot to walk her when I left home."

Everyone runs out of the room. At the curtains close and lights dim, the sound of missiles is heard faintly in the background.

Back to Political Rants

Back Home!