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The Modern Cinema-Going Experience

The first trial that awaits the modern moviegoer is to pick a movie to go and see that might be worth the hour-and-a-half-plus that movies tend to take. Usually your choices will be the following: Epic war movie starring Mel Gibson that is somewhat reminicent of Braveheart. Romantic comedy starring Julia Roberts that features her breaking up with some guy, bitching about it for awhile, and then getting back together with him. Teen movie with some sexual innuendo in the title that incudes two guys trying to 'get some' or a slutty girl trying to 'get some', but usually not both unless it's really good. Sequel to a movie that wasn't very good in the first place, starring most of the same people that suckered you to see the original, except this one has less plot. Animated Flick that took 500 monkeys typing shakespeare to render the eyebrow on the main character's clown nose. Remake of a 60's movie that wasn't even good then. Epic movie based on some horrible tragedy in the past, but with an infinite budget, and an unrealistic love story to make everything 'all better'. Something to the effect of 'Goodnight Moon: The Book was only the beginning' Coming 2018.

After you've made that choice, the next task is to sneak popcorn and soda past the ticket nazis that don't want to lose their consessions comission. Usually, the best way to do this is to bring in one of those metal things with 'Ez Pop' that you're supposed to cook over a campfire, and a can of sterno. If anyone complains about the fire in the theater, just tell them that yelling 'fire!' in a crowded theater is impolite. They'll have learned this lesson at some previous point in time, and leave you alone. As for the soda, try and sneak in a 12-pack. Chances are they won't find all of them. And the leftover ones you can sell to people for a buck less than the theater charges. That might almost pay back the price of the ticket. Once you're inside, you then have to endure the mind-numbing slides that are projected all out-of-focus on the screen. Usually, you'll have seen them all before, but it's important to pay attention anyway. You never know when you need information like 'Did you know? Tom Hanks' Uncle was the co-owner of a small company that made thumb tacks' After this, you get to the ads before the previews. Who came up with this concept? Ads are for TV, previews are for movies. Everyone knows that. Anyhow, you watch the ads, previews, and then the feature, munch your popcorn, and wait until it's over. And at the end, you think back to the movie and wonder if you just could have waited until it came out on HBO. Chances are, the next day you won't remember much of the movie anyway. Or maybe it's just me.

So going to the movies gets a B+. (It beats the alternative)

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