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First Times When I first came on to chat, I was a virgin at both BDSM and IRC. Since I had no real exposure to BDSM, I really had no idea what to think, but that didn't stop me from having definite opinions about what I would find – opinions that scared me and worried me and kept me from chatting for years before I did join.
My opinions on BDSM were formed from sexual experiences I had with my former girlfriend and fairly bad internet porn. She had a pair of handcuffs and we played with them, which I really enjoyed – more so when she was cuffed then when I was. Unfortunately, it got rather intense for her and I was not very good at talking about my feelings, so we didn't play that often and I tended to see myself as a bully for the times we did play. Kind of made me think I was a jerk to want that.
After we broke up, I had very few experiences with BDSM, except for the aforementioned bad internet porn. Stories are fun, but they do tend to objectify, so I again thought that my feelings meant I had to be a jerk for me to satisfy my curiosity. This is rather in conflict with my self-image of myself as a good guy and someone who nurtures others.
So, armed with my computer and the bondage.com java client, I tried chat for the first time. The bondage room was very crowded (as it always is) and I didn't stay long. I figured out how to find other channels somehow – I think I was just hitting buttons on the java client – and found one for a munch group near me. Screwing up my courage, I went in to find…
Friendly people. There were only a couple of people in channel and they all said hi, asked me about myself and I asked them about themselves. I was suspicious – I assumed that everyone would be all weird and talking about sex, but these people seemed to be… well, people. I began to feel comfortable. I soon started chatting in PM (private message) with one woman, a submissive who seemed nice. She was sitting at home, debating whether to vacuum her apartment, which is about as normal a thing as you could do. There was a couple in the room and then seemed totally devoted to each other. One of my impressions were that Doms would be these people who tried to impose on others, telling everyone what to do and that subs would be quiet and not say much, when in fact neither impression is true. Most of the Doms were quiet and most of the conversational load was taken up by the subs – in general, everyone was treated as an equal. I sorta wondered if any of my preconceived notions were true.
One that sort of proved true was my notion that people in BDSM (I had no idea what D/s was, really) were obsessed with sex. It is sort of true, in that I found very frank discussions of sex, in language that, at that time, I could not have even typed. And everyone clearly enjoyed themselves. But I certainly would not have called it an obsession with sex – not more than anyone else. Just much more upfront about it, so it might seem obsessive, I suppose. But it was really just honest.
During that first afternoon, I had two experiences that showed me that I had a lot to learn about. At one point, a sub entered channel and immediately focused on me as an unknown Dom. (yes, I have been trolled, too) The vacuum woman warned me in PM that she was notorious, but I said "I can handle it" The aggressive sub PM'ed me and we chatted for awhile, and the conversation got suggestive. I played along, up until she said "what would you tell me to do?" – at that point, I realized I had no idea. I couldn't really type what I was thinking and I felt very awkward and out of my depth. I stammered something – fortunately, she had to go, so I got out of that one relatively unscathed, just embarrassed.
The second experience was that night – I was chatting with my vacuum wielding friend, and had been for some time. We were talking about something, when I decided to tell her that I would like to make love to her. This was true, at that moment, though looking back on it, rather abrupt. It certainly isn't something I would try with anyone I had normally just met in r/l and it made me rather nervous.
That was my first introduction to scening. We met on a semi-regular basis for some online fun. I began to realize that I was out of my depth when she wanted to meet r/l and I didn't know how to handle it – and she wanted to refer to me as Master, and I really didn't know how to handle it. I liked her, but the whole situation made me nervous, and I made what is probably the worst mistake I could have – I didn't talk to her openly about my feelings. Because I was conflicted, but trying to hide it from her, she started to accuse me of being just a player and not caring about her, which hurt a lot. I really did like her, but I wasn't able to communicate.
Looking back at it, I don't think that there was really any difference between me and what we think of as a player – my intention was good, but my actions were not. And on IRC, it is only what you say that counts – people cannot see your body language, your emotions, anything, unless you are explicit about it.
It was soon obvious that I needed to really understand communication and become comfortable in my own skin. I started looking for different channels – discussion channels, regional channels, scening channels – trying to understand what online BDSM was all about. I read websites, participated in group conversations and most important for me, talked to people one on one. That was hard, because it went against everything I had done in my life, but I did it.
It's been a year and a half now – I am much more comfortable with who I am and what I want to do. I look back at those first few days and weeks and am glad I went through them, because it is only through taking those chances that I found myself. At one point, I found a new sub and explored together and, when it was clear that the distance between us would keep us from fulfilling our growth, we moved on. I am much happier now – more at peace. What had started out as a journey that I had dreaded and put off for years has ended up being one of the most profound experiences of my life.
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