Don't forget the link...
http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZcartbeforethehorse
My poor Jo Jo...
My wife, Jo, woke up in the middle of the night last night with horrible back pains. Not to get too technical, but it seems that her back muscles went all spazzy, charlie-horsed, threw in the towel, and nearly gave up the ghost. Like so many other Americans, we're without medical insurance. Instead of selling all of our belongings to see a doctor, Jo rounded up some muscle relaxer pills from our relatives in town, and took enough of them throughout the day to mess with her vision's horizontal hold. To those of you who have never owned a TV with a horizontal hold adjustment knob, you're obviously younger than I am. Here are some other little known facts from TV's history for you...
1. They used to come with an antenna on the top.
2. You changed the channel with a knob that you crossed the room to access.
3. Before cable, the only naked people on TV carried blowguns.
But I'm getting off the subject. Jo's feeling a little better now that she soaked in her mom's hot tub and slept most of the day.
In other news, I have become obsessed with the idea of attaching a small motor to a mountain bike. I saw one of these while we were vacationing in Seattle, and have since been eyeing kits on eBay for making such conversions. Whether or not these are legal in Oregon is bit of a grey area...and whether or not I care to follow the law has always been a grey area. If any of you have any stories or advice concerning such contraptions, I'd love to hear from you.
-Dylan
Here's that link that would also look smashing as a tattoo...
http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZcartbeforethehorse
I remember when video stores were mom and pop establishments that used to charge big money for memberships... like they were a gym or something. Half the store was VHS and half the store was Beta, and every movie seemed to have Steve Martin in it. Then came Blockbuster, who ruled like the dinosaurs for the next million Hollywood years (which is really only a couple decades in our measurement of time.) Then...like an asteroid from space, Netflix started renting DVDs through the mail, and Blockbuster trimmed off their late fees in a desperate attempt to ward off extinction. Forced to compete, Blockbuster started shipping movies in the mail too... only you can trade theirs in the store for even more movies starring Steve Martin... or anyone else. I now have more movies than I can shake a remote at, and I spend less money on them each month than I used to spend just on late fees. But this wasn't enough movies for our house. No.
Our daughter recently purchased her own account and opened the floodgate to more movies in the mail. Now she picks my brain for my favorite movies. Trainspotting!
Jo nixed the Trainspotting suggestion, but our daughter did get to see My Left Foot recently. Inspired by that movie (which is an even better book), she drew this picture with a marker tucked in her toes.
-Dylan
Here are our eBay auctions...
http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZcartbeforethehorse
...and there's more to come on Tuesday.
I finally won something on eBay! I never win anything. I usually hit the refresh button only to discover that I've been outbid by a skilled sniper. Not this time. I'm now the proud owner of a 1974 Honda CB 200 motorcycle. It doesn't presently run, but I understand it flies like the devil downhill. Here it is if you want to take a look...
For those of you who know me (or knew me), don't worry. My daredevil days are behind me, and my drinking days are just a distant, hazy memory. This little bike is only a few cubic centimeters above being a scooter, and I promise to be careful. There are just too many mountain roads right around the corner that have been teasing me for the last four years. When I lived in Florida, I used to peddle my bike late at night through all the sleeping neighborhoods near my house. I got off work at 1 AM, and would ride until about 3 AM. I only got chased by a car with its headlights out once. Here in Oregon, there are few cars in the country, but the hills are too much for my chicken legs. I just miss riding. I had a motorcycle almost identical to this one when I was in college at Florida State... way back in the days when you could hear "Smells Like Teen Spirit" blasting out of every dorm window. I never had any money back then to maintain a motorcycle, and I had zero intellectual curiosity about how the thing worked. It eventually sat unloved until it was sold to a tree trimmer who spotted it from the limb of an oak tree in my parents' back yard.
This time will be different...
-Dylan
Here are our eBay auctions...
http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZcartbeforethehorse
One more day, then it will be time to send the kids back to school! When I was a kid, I used to dread going to the store in the summertime and seeing the clerks setting up "that aisle." Just the smell of all those unsharpened pencils and brand new Trapper Keepers was enough to make my shoulders sag with the disappointment of passing time. I knew that soon I'd be waking up to an unforgiving alarm clock, catching the bus in the dark, and sitting under florescent lights all day while teachers mumbled facts and handed out dittos. Remember dittos?
Things are different now. I see the store clerks unpacking school supplies and I get a sudden urge to put on an employee vest and volunteer my time to the resurrection of "that aisle." We took the kids school shopping this week for new clothes. They call the clothes new, but it looks like the stuff we used to throw away. Everything comes pre-scuffed now...all frayed at the edges and falling apart. It gets worse every year. Next year the clothes will probably come with B.O.
It's no use trying to guess what our kids want to wear. If Jo and I hold it up for approval, it doesn't stand a chance. And if the store starts to play music our daughter doesn't like, all of the surrounding clothes are contaminated by it. We may as well get in the car and drive somewhere else.
And that's just what we did.
-Dylan
Look what we can do...
http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZcartbeforethehorse
We have approximately 1,000 folks on our newsletter list now...but that's something I try to keep out of my head. If I really thought about that fact, I'd probably get stage fright while writing. I guess there has to be a balance to my self deception. If I really convinced myself that no one was really reading them, I wouldn't bother at all. Anyway, one such person reading these all the way in Scotland wrote to me about how much she and her daughter enjoy the newsletter archive. If you haven't been to it, it can be found on our award winning website (which looks like it was designed by a chimp with a braille book on html.) It may be simple, but it holds all of the newsletters since week #1. In the last few days, I took the time to add more pictures throughout the archive to further illustrate the events being described. There are also videos, music...and on Wednesdays, I bring in doughnuts. The link to the previously mentioned website can be found near the bottom of this (and every) newsletter.
This week we were plagued by termites. They came up through the cracks in the floorboards faster than I could slap down wood putty. No matter. They all flew directly to the light on the ceiling where the hose of a vacuum cleaner awaited them. I have to say, they're not built very sturdy. If you just look at them funny, their wings fall off. I finally just put the dog's blanket over the cracks that they were streaming out of. It's hard to respect a creature that turns back at the sight of a blanky.
-Dylan
You won't get hooked.
All the cool kids are doing it.
Warning: Clicking links may result in viewing disturbing images such as this one...
Jo and I are relieved that our son is enjoying school. The middle school years can be hard enough, but when our county has to operate on such a low budget that they combine the middle and high schools under one roof, the potential for wet willies, wedgies, and pink bellies increases exponentially. Our boy hasn't hit his growth spurt yet, so it's strange to see him going into the same building as students with cars and beards.
In my day (here we go), middle school was called Junior High. This was a place where young adults went to practice abusing each other with newly learned curse words. I can't tell you here in the newsletter what the bullies on the bus called me and my brother, but my friend, Jim, has since dubbed them "the most inventive bullies ever." Glad I could help them shine.
-Dylan
Here's what we made for you...
Now I take this bike up on gravel logging roads in the middle of nowhere. I have to hike up these hills pushing the bike beside me, but coming back down is much faster. As I speed down at breakneck speeds, I can't help but think that the contraption I'm on was put together by my own handiwork. That will put a few gray hairs on the head, I'm sure.
Jo and I have been thinking about self publishing a kid's book or two some day. I wrote one that Jo illustrated when I was in college studying to be an elementary school teacher. Maybe we'll post it as an e-book on our website one of these days. Maybe we'll do more. Maybe. We have so many things that we want to do, and the days seem to get shorter. I'd say we're pretty productive folks as it is, but we're always pushing to do more.
-Dylan
We worked hard this week. Here's what we came up with...
There's an old man wandering around our town that might be a figment of my imagination. I first saw him on the hidden beach (see newsletter #89) trying to feed marshmallows to the seagulls. Now I keep catching glimpses of him from time to time walking beside the road...always with a watermelon on his shoulder. Does he eat one everyday? Is he even real?
Jo spotted someone else the other day from the car that made us do a u-turn and call 911. We thought he was dead to be honest, but he was just sleeping on the sidewalk. His face was dark, dark purple. I had never seen anyone this color before. As he woke up to my voice and sat up, the nearly empty bottle of rum hanging halfway out of his coat explained his odd choice of location for his nap. Only the sound of the sirens got him to his feet. He stumbled off, refusing to be looked at by the paramedics.
I should mention, for those new to the newsletter, that we are in a small coastal town in Oregon. Sights like rummies sleeping on the sidewalk are uncommon. We have homeless here, but you're more likely to find them making shelters on the beach out of driftwood than passed out drunk somewhere. And we weren't the only car that stopped to try and help this man. Pretending not to see each other is also uncommon here.
-Dylan
P.S. Jo has asked me to stopping using the word "rummy."
"What, were you born in the 20's or something?"
I can hardly wait to hear what I'll have to say then.
Oh yeah, here's the art...
I think man-made machines must communicate with each other. They plot and scheme and synchronize their mechanical failures with each other. Our headlights on our car have been working on and off for a month now. That has sort of limited our driving to daylight hours. Our mechanic has been fighting over the phone with the parts manager at the Volvo dealership for weeks. The parts manager keeps pretending to send the necessary part, then changes his mind. Apparently he doesn't like our mechanic's vocabulary and tone of voice. A sailor's mouth and a loud voice don't bother me. That's just free entertainment.
Our refrigerator is a bit older than our car. Our landlords bought it many years ago, so I don't know exactly how old it is. It's brown and has a disco ball in it, if that helps. It gave up the ghost this week as well. When I told them that it wasn't getting cold, they asked if I had cleaned the coils. "Oh, right. The coils." I looked under the refrigerator, then immediately wished I hadn't. There was twenty years worth of dust down there...and more disco balls. I tried to vacuum it all out, but the vacuum cleaner (which had always been faithful) gave no suction whatsoever. I began to disassemble that too before I lost my temper and brought the leaf blower into the house to blow the dust out from under the refrigerator. A great cloud arose... then eventually settled on every surface, mug, bowl, and plate in the kitchen. Nothing I did had any effect on this glorified ice box, so we went out a bought a new one. Three days later, we were able to buy some food for it.
-Dylan
P.S. This new fridge has a light that comes on when you open the door. No more coal miner's helmet at midnight for me.
Here's what we worked on this week...
'cuz . . .we have a number system based on 10??? It's about as significant as watching the car odometer roll over to a nice, even number. . .which usually cues the "check engine" light to light up.
These even-numbered anniversaries usually prompt folks to do something special or give something away. We're no different, I suppose. So...we are hosting a coloring contest! For those of you who wish to participate, Jo has designed a paper doll pattern sheet to cut out and color. You can then email me a picture of your various creations, and Jo will pick a winner (without knowledge of who sent it.)
The winner will win an ornament-sized angel doll on a wooden stand with a congratulatory word or two on the bottom of the stand. You'll be the envy of every passing citizen and thief as this major award sits in your front window, nearly glowing like a leg shaped lamp!
Here's the fine print. . . which I won't make smaller, because that's annoying. . .
1. You can find the paper doll outline to save and print here...
3. Please... one entry, one photo per contestant. If you want to print out several copies so that you have several little paper girls to dress up in all three costumes, that's fine. Just arrange them together in the same picture.
4. If you are not proficient with digital cameras or the computing machine, please find someone nearby to help you. If they were born in the 80's or 90's, they probably have the skills you need. I would love to be able to help anyone that needs it with this sort of thing, but there is the very real possibility that I would be swamped with questions, since this newsletter goes out to around 1,000 people. So... if you find yourself tying a piece of string between a 35mm camera and your computer, please get your lazy little nephew to turn off his video game and help you.
5. Please make photos a reasonable size before sending them. They should be in the Kilobyte range, not the Megabyte range. We'll be posting all of the entries on our website (not a billboard) so they don't need to be that big.
See you next week. We'll be celebrating the 101st newsletter. We live right off of highway 101, so it's even more of a significant number for us.
-Dylan
CONTEST IS OVER