A little bit of self pity...
I've been pretty good lately. I've managed to still get a few things done as I go through my days. But a lot of my thought lately goes to what is left. I'm 35 years old. I was making 50,000 a year as a department manager at Menards. I was married - not always happily but all the problems could have been worked on. I have 2 kids one a step kid I failed to adopt. At this time they are 2 and 11. In a couple of weeks one will be travelling to Virginia to live with her mom and the other might be going the same way for a short time. Once they are gone what is left for me?
I don't have a job - hopefully that will be fixed soon. I do have friends but I never seem to get together with them. The only thing that seems to keep me going is the girls and soon I won't have that. The only mistake I made was trusting someone completely with my heart and with my life. Well, that didn't work out so well now, did it?
I'm so depressed... I'm so angry... I'm so lost! I don't know who to turn to. I'm kind of lost in the world right now. My best friend just got friended by the guy that took my place in life. He is going to get all of the things that I had planned on. All the things that I had hoped for and once again I will be off on my own. I need to find a way out of this. I've put all my chips on one person and managed to lose.
I try to be so strong for the girls. I try not to show just how much anger I am really feeling. It's hard to have to hear how much more fun Ken is. Well, hell yes. He will be more fun. He doesn't have to tell you to do your homework. He doesn't have to change diapers at 2am. He doesn't have to kill the spider on the wall at midnight. He doesn't have to make supper for the girls. He doesn't have to listen to a guy the stole everything you thought you were getting in life talk to your girls. He's not giving up anything to be with you. He doesn't have to pretend. Ken has it much easier in the end to be their friend. I have to be a parent first. I need to help the girls be the best they can be. They've turned out well and have dealt with a difficult situation better than I've expected.
I keep trying to get by. I do okay most days but not always. It's tough. I think a lot of people know what it's like but when they don't have to see it day in a day out they are able to be distant. They hear little bits of it every so often but they don't have to live it. I'm being torn apart and I don't know what to do. I'm running out of time to try to save what little I still have. Pretty soon I won't be able to pay for my house and then where do I go? Do I just give up those thoughts and just go on the road? Do I forget about holding down a job? Do I let the house go? It would be so easy at a time like this to just give up and go away. But that isn't an option. I just need to push through and find out what is on the other side.
Oh well, the only thing that keeps me getting up in the morning are two of the best things that have ever happened to me. How can a mom claim that they mean the world to them and that everything she does is for them while she goes off for over 2 months for a job. She can't even stay around them for 24 hours with out spending the night with another man.
Well, that's enough of a rant from me for now. I don't even think anyone reads these things but that's okay.
posted by Don | 2:12 PM
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