Incindiary Laundry

Tim / Al / Joe / Neal / Wally / Scott, Be advised: Pelicans may occasionally explode.
Early-warning systems are now available for our bulemic friends -- to help you avoid that *annoying* backsplash.
Do not fear chalkboard dust, it is becoming more rare by the day.
Some species of lettuce closely resembles certain nasal ejecta.
Your pants are out to ensnare you.
Climbing mountains is best left to mountain climbers.
Your coworkers are planning a combination "happy birthday" / "prepare to die in a horribly painful and unspeakably grotesque fashion" party for you.

** Stapler check! **

Never talk to dolphins, they're quite rude and have destroyed many-a-perfectly-good tuna net.
The hawk flies at midnight, so have your shotgun ready.
When the phone inside your ribcage rings, it's not for Joe.
Spare the Rowdy Roddy Piper, spoil the Julia Child.
Work is for the enslaved who like being paid.
"Protecto," a brand of toilet-seat covers (AKA "ass-gaskets"), is also an anagram for "otter cop."
Sleeping may impair your ability to drive, depending on whether they happen simultanously.
Eat less gravel.

Happy Wednesday to you all, and WATCH YOUR BACK.

(December 1999)

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