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The following was sent by Fr. Bruno's brother-in-law, Bill Tomasso on May 14, 2003. It's the type of humor that Fr. Bruno would really get a kick out of.

So you thought you were tough enough to try to learn English. This Little treat on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't Invented in England nor French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies While sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for Granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea Nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth. One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and Get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, Why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be Committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in Which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all! PS Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

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The following was sent in by Dianna Winters, a good friend of Fr. Bruno.

There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets," ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip. " The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

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A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? " The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

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One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. Her daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts. " Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

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**NEW ** Oct. 31, 2002

The following joke was sent in by Fr. Francis Cotter. It was a joke that Fr. Bruno shared with him:

(For those who don't know, Fr. Bruno worked as a lawyer with the poor for many years).

The National Institute of Health in Washington D.C. decided to stop using rats in their experiments and will now be using lawyers instead. There are 2 reasons for this change; first, there have never been any large studies done on lawyers and so this will be a chance for some new discoveries, and second, by using lawyers they will be removing some of the limits imposed by using rats, because there are "certain things" a rat will not do. : )

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Subject: FW: Voice Mail (Sent in by Anne Renda, Oct. 9, 2002)

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: "Thank you for calling heaven." For English press 1; For Spanish press 2; for all other languages, press 3. Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for a request; Press 2 for thanksgiving; Press 3 for complaints; Press 4 for all others.

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to: God, press 1; Jesus, press 2; Holy Spirit, press 3. To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial 666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 - 16. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics. Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor. Thank you and have a heavenly day.

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The following was received September 23, 2002, from Agnes and Bill Tomasso, Fr. Bruno's sister and husband.

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1. Two Carmelite Missionaries were captured by cannibals. On seeing a large pot of water over a fire, one of them asked, "What is that for?" The cannibals replied, "We are going to boil you." "You can't boil me", responded the Carmelite, "I'm a friar."

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2. A man approached a Catholic priest and said, "My dog died and I want him buried by the Catholic Church". Thinking this was a stupid idea, the priest replied, "I'm sorry, but we don't do things like that. Try the minister at the Church down the street". "I will", answered the man, "and do you think he'll be satisfied with the $1,000 we plan to donate?" "Oh, wait a minute", said the priest, "you didn't tell me it was a Catholic dog."

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**This is not a joke, but when Ray (Fr. Bruno) came home and we were all at the table having dinner, there was usually a piece of meat left on the platter. With everyone wondering who would get the last piece, my husband would say, "Ray, you kill it". He would lift up his thumb, point his forefinger at the meat and say, "Bang."

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1. While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year old daughter on my afternoon rounds.  She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliance of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.  One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.  As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

 

2. A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.   When she saw her Dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”  “And why not, darling?”  “You know that it always gives you a headache next morning.”

 

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank – proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

4. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser to two weevils.

 

5. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other.  One says to the other, “Are you all right?”  “No, I lost an electron!”  “Are you sure?”  “Yeah, I’m positive!”

 

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentists’ novocain during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication!

 

7. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.  He came across two men.  One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.  The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.  Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

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