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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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A neuton goes into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
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A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why? I'm a fun-guy!"
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This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
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Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So...the one flies over and the other one swims through - which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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BIT OF BLARNEY by John Baxter
The most feared woman in the villages of Ireland is the priest's housekeeper. She can turn the milk sour by just looking at it. They're all called Bridget. Father Murphy had one for 27 years and she ran his life. The last time I saw her she was sitting at the fire knitting barbed wire with two crowbars. She told Father Murphy when to get up, what to wear, what to eat, where to go, etc. and she wouldn't allow him to have a little drink with his dinner. One day he said to her, "I'm off to Dublin for a retreat." The Bishop had called all the priests of the diocese for a meeting and the subject of the retreat was "Too much power given to the priest's housekeepers in the villages." The bishop told them to return to their respective parishes and to instill in their housekeepers that the priest ran the parish and not them. Father Murphy returned home and confronted Bridget. He was putting the key in the front door when Bridget opened the door, glared at him and said, "Go around to the back, I just washed the floor." Father Murphy responded by saying, "Bridget from now on I'll come in the front door whether the floor is wet or dry, I will decide what to wear, where to go, what to eat, and if I feel like having a drink before I go to bed I'll have it. What have you got to say to that?" She looked at him and said, "That's the last retreat you'll be going on."
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NEWSPAPER AD BLOOPERS - submitted by Geraldine Lasco
The following are actual excerpts from city newspapers.
* Illiterate? Write today for free help.
* Auto repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
* Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
* Stock up and save. Limit: one.
* Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
* Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
* For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
* Great Dames for sale.
* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
* Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
* Vacation special: have your home exterminated.
* Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
* Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
* For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
* Man, honest. Will take anything.
* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find persons.
* Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
* Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
* Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
* And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $l.00.
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11/5/02 - GOD BLESS OUR LITTLE ONES FOR KEEPING US HUMBLE
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?” “Yes,” I answered, and continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right,” I told her. “Well then, “she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”
To close each day’s activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World at Lake Buena Vista, FL, a huge fireworks display lights up the sky. One night I noticed a small boy about three years old perched on his father’s shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware only at what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over, the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, “Thank you, God.”
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt. She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, “It’s the piggy that ate roast beef.”
A little girl had just finished her first week at school, “I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”
One day Mother sent my little brother to the post office to mail a letter. A few minutes later he came back with a suspicious smile on his face. “What happened?” my mother asked. “I just fooled the people at the post office. When no one was looking, I dropped the letter into the box without buying any stamps.”
My neighbor, a primary school teacher, asked one of her pupils, an adopted child, how he felt about his mother’s pregnancy. “Wonderful”, the student replied. “And this is her first baby from scratch!”
A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house. One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secret she should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him. “Now we’re getting somewhere,” he said. “Tell me the secret. I promise I won’t tell anyone.” Debbie looked him straight in the eye before blurting out, “We have monsters in our sewer.”
A friend called to say how impressed she had been with my son’s manners at the birthday party for her seven-year-old son. The first thing my son had said on arrival was: “Hello, Mrs. King. In case I forget, I’d like to say that I had a very nice time.”
When I took my 4-year old cousin to a carnival in Ottawa, I bought her a helium balloon. She carried it around all day without breaking or losing it. After we returned to my house, she began running around, tripped and let go of the balloon. Tearfully, she watched it disappear into the clouds. Then her face brightened, and she said, “I wish I hadn’t let it go. But won’t God be surprised!”
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