Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
Needs a checkup from the neck up.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
Needs front end alignment.
Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
Network constantly loses packets.
Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
Never finishes a thoug
Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum.
Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
Nine pence in the shilling.
Nine rooms; no furniture.
Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
No bubble in his gauge. (Refers to a submarine dive gauge.)
No charge in her synapses.
No coins in the old fountain.
No filter in the coffeemaker.
No grain in the silo.
No hands on the rudder/yoke.
No hay in the loft.
No one at the throttle.
No salt in his socks. (Land-lubber or green sailor.)
No tar in his hemp. (Tar preserves a hemp (marijuana) line; this phrase means one has been smoking his rope.)
No wind in her mind's windmills.
Not all his dogs are barking.
Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
Not done evolving yet.
Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.)
Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
Not inflated to 90 PSI.
Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
Not only rude, but ugly too.
Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
Not running on full thrusters.
Not shooting pool on a level table.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor.
Not the full quid.
Not the same since they took him off his medication.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer / tool in the shed / nail in the box.
Not Turing equivalent.
Not worth henshit on a pump handle.
Not worth pissin' on.
Not wrapped too tight.
Nothing between the stethoscopes.
Nothing on her radar.
Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
Number 'n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)
Nutty as a fruitcake.
Off by one.
Off his rocker/trolley.
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
On permanent/unexcused leave of absence from his senses.
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
One bead short in her rosary.
One bean short of chili.
One beer short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
One bird short of a flock.
One bit short of a byte/word.
One block short of a filesystem.
One board short of a porch.
One bomb/melon short of a full load.
One boot stuck in the sand.
One brick short of a wall/hod/load/pile.
One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
One bun/donut short of a dozen.
One car short of a chase scene.
One card/marble short of a full deck.
One chapter short of a novel.
One chicken short of a henhouse.
One chip short of a cookie.
One chip short of a megabyte.
One clearance short of landing/taking off.
One clown short of a circus.
One clue short of a solution.
One cold solder joint.
One color short of color-coordinated.
One couplet short of a sonnet.
One cup and saucer short of a place setting.
One cylinder short of a full re-format.
One diamond short of a ring.
One dimension short of reality.
One doughnut short of being a cop.
One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
One drop short of an empty bladder.
One ear short of a bushel.
One feather short of a whole duck.
One fish short of a string.
One flower short of an arrangement.
One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
One foot in the future, one foot in the past, pissing on the present.
One french fry / hamburger short of a Happy Meal.
One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
One fruit short of a basket.
One gene short of a full chromosome.
One goose short of a gaggle.
One guppy short of an aquarium.
One handle short of a suitcase.
One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
One inch short of a foot/yard.
One inspection short of passing.
One kernel short of an ear.
One kopek short of a ruble.
One link short of a chain.
One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
One measure short of a staff.
One miracle short of being where he thinks he's at.
One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.
One node short of a network.
One nut short of a full pouch.
One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
One open splice.
One pancake short of a stack.
One pane short of a window.
One pea short of a pod/casserole.
One pearl short of a necklace.
One pickle short of a jar.
One pie short of a holiday.
One plane short of an Air Force / hangar.
One point short of a polygon.
One prayer short of absolution.
One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)
One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
One revision behind.
One sandwich/apple/ant short of a picnic.
One saucer short of a tea-service.
One scallop short of a seafood platter.
One screw loose.
One sentence short of a paragraph.
One shade short of a rainbow.
One sheep short of a sweater.
One shingle short of a roof, and the water's getting in.
One ship short of a full fleet.
One shot short of a chain. (Shot is a section of anchor chain.)
One shot short of a locker. (Shot is ammunition; a locker is where it's stored.)
One shrimp short of a barbie.
One side short of a pentagon.
One signature short of a book.
One slate short of a full roof.
One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
One snowflake short of a ski slope.
One sock short of a pair.
One song short of a musical.
One span short of a bridge.
One spoon short of a full set.
One steering wheel / bolt short of a Yugo.
One step short of the attic.
One straw short of a bale.
One strawberry short of a quart.
One strike past being called out.
One sub short of a party platter.
One suit short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
One taco/enchilada short of a combination plate.
One teabag short of a pot.
One tilde short of a full URL.
One tile missing from his space shuttle.
One tile short of a successful re-entry.
One too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
One tower short of a castle.
One tree short of a hammock.
One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
One volt below threshold.
One weight short of a shipwreck.
One yard short of the hole.
Only one oar in the water.
Only playing with 51 cards.
Only playing with the jokers.
Operating in stand-by mode.
Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
Out there where the buses don't run.
Outlet isn't grounded.
Over the rainbow.
Overdue for reincarnation.
Overruns above 110 baud.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parents beat him with an ugly stick.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
Perfect chassis, bad driver.
Perfect face for Halloween.
Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh...)
Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.
Permanently out to lunch.
Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
Phototrophic on a better day.
Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
Plays solitaire... For cash.
Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons.
Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.
Posts empty articles to the Net, and enjoys rereading them later.
Prefers three left turns to one right turn.
Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
Produces a zero-length core dump.
Proof God did die back in the 60s.
Proof God has a sense of humor.
Proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway.
Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or
less. -- MacNelly
Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one
line of wisdom in the middle.
Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
Reads her newspaper back-to-front.
Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
Receiver is off the hook.
Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy.
Reset line is glitching.
Result of a first cousin marriage.
Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function
without a brain.
Room for rent, unfurnished.
RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
Running at 300 baud.
Running on a 286.
Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)
Running U.S. appliances on British current.
Runs squares around the competition.
Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
S p a c e d o u t .
Sailboat fuel for brains.
Sailing with a short seabag / a few skivvies short of a seabag. (Contains all of a sailor's possessions including underwear.)
Sat under the ozone hole too long.
Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
Serving donuts on another planet.
Settled some during shipping and handling.
Seven cans short of a six-pack.
Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
She can piss standing up, but not much else.
She doesn't suffer from insanity; she enjoys every minute of it.
She fears success, but really has nothing to worry about. -- Thaves
She only packed half a sandwich.
She only schedules zombie processes.
She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
She'll be just fine as soon as virtual reality arrives.
She's a screensaver: Looks good, but useless.
Short a few cards.
Short-circuited between the earphones.
Should be the poster child for family planning.
Should have kept his helmet on while riding/playing.
Single-sided, low density.
Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
Slow as molasses in January.
Slow out of the gate.
Smarter than the average bear.
Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
So clueless, he could BE God and still be an atheist.
So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
So dumb, he faxes face up.
So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
Some Assembly Required.
Some bugs in his software.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Some of her inodes have nodded off.
Some pages missing.
Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
Someday when she's younger, she'll ________.
Someone blew out his pilot light.
Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
Someone let the air out of her lock.
Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
Source code is missing a few lines.
Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.
Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
Still boots to DOS.
Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)
Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2. (A WWII era Russian tank.)
Stuck on the down escalator of life.
Stumped by anything child-proof.
Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
Suffers from permanent rapture of the deep. (Nitrogen narcosis.)
Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Swimming on a cold shot. (Inadequate ejection force for a torpedo.)
Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
Talks to plants on their own level.
Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.
Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
The butter slipped off his noodle.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
The going got weird, and he turned pro.
The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
The only place she's ever invited is outside.
The perfect personality to write software manuals.
The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
The two put together have an IQ over 150.
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
There are great people in the world, but she's not one of them.
There she sits, Finite State Automaton at its best.
There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen
They must have done a clean boot on him.
Thick as a brick / whale omelette.
Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship.
Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.
Thinks at 5 baud.
Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
thinks in lower case and types accordingly
Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.
Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.)
Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting.
(I resemble that remark. -- editor)
Too dumb to be bothered when publically displaying her ignorance.
Too many birds on her antenna.
Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
Took the little bus to school.
Top paddock is full of rocks.
Toys in the attic.
Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.
Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Traveling without a passport/towel.
Tried welding two 2x4s together and burned down his house.
Trips over cordless phones.
Truck can't haul a full load.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
Two bits short of a word/dollar.
Two degrees off square.
Two inches taller than spherical.
Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.
Uglier than a hat full of assholes. (Whatever that means.)
Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
Understands English as well as any parrot.
Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Useful as a chocolate teapot.
Useful as a football bat.
Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
Useful as a kickstand on a horse.
Useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
Useful as dinosaur repellent.
Useful as piss on a forest fire.
Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.
Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.
Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator.
Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
Vacancy on the top floor.
Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting. (Not picking up anything.)
Vaginally challenged, and preoccupied with the problem.
Views mold as a higher life form.
Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
Was born when the planets were misaligned.
Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
Wasn't fully debugged before being released.
Wasn't strapped in during launch.
Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
Watching programs not listed in TV Guide.
We're all missing cards from our decks -- and different cards, too.
Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.
Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled.
When a thought crosses her mind, it's a long and lonely journey.
When God said, "Come forth for brains," he came fifth.
When he was compiled they forgot to #include <smarts.h>/<iq.h>/<charm.h>.
When she was born the doctor tried to kill her.
When they handed out brains he got the short end of the stick.
When they said "drain", he thought they said "brain".
Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'.
Wise as the world is flat.
With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
Won't eat eggs because he believes the "This is your brain" ads.
Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
Wouldn't make any sense if she ever made sense.
Zero K memory.
Read Fuldeckisms A-M