To Bathe or Not to Bathe?

By Jason Vines

A male of the species Homo sapiens is covered by brownish mire of a dry and caked nature; many flakes of dirt and grime are left by him everywhere he goes. Smell-wise, the emissions put off by him are, beyond the shadow of a doubt, odious and mephitic. Hordes of infinitesimally-sized creatures, which have negative effects health-wise, are littered in the male’s every pore and crevice. This male is, of course, an example of the types of Homo sapiens—hereafter known as humans—who do not wash themselves with any regularity. In no uncertain terms, such a condition that results from this lack of bathing is to be avoided by humans. Humans, in order to attain an appearance of cleanliness, to achieve the elimination of microbial organisms that cover the epidermis, and to eliminate negative olfactory effusions, should undertake to cleanse themselves well and often.

Ambassadors of certain European cultures, which shall not be identified, might object to a notion of this nature, by saying that the hydrogen oxide—also known as water—required for the bathing-type task would cost an excessive amount money-wise. But the financial hardships that might be experienced by the type of individual who bathes him- or herself with regularity do not outweigh the positive results of the frequent bath. For example, looks-wise, words cannot express the often splendid effects of bathing. The skin of a frequent bather has an appearance of cleanliness, with no extraneous particles to be seen by others. In addition, the hair will be looked upon as the paragon of style and elegance. On the other hand, the type of person who chooses not to bathe with any great frequency will have both skin and hair that is covered by flakes of dirt and dust and mud and muck. Needless to say, Swamp Thing will be the image that is evoked by such a person.

Also, the trials and tribulations experienced by the types of humans who do not bathe with any great frequency will be great and many. Insidious monsters that are so miniscule that they cannot be seen will launch massive little assaults upon the body of the infrequent bather. These assaults can result in myriad lumps of mucus being ejected from the nose and the mouth or in fountains of blood being ejaculated from those orifices. That such events are to be evaded should be as plain as day. In order to achieve this evasion, regular bathing is required. The soap that is used in the bath helps to achieve the elimination of the tiny invaders that would like for illness and pestilence to be undergone by the human species. Therefore, fantastic effects salubrity-wise are felt by humans who cleanse themselves with regularity.

Another excellent effect of the regular bath is the elimination of horribly pungent body odors. If a human does not bathe, then the smells put off by the human reek of bodily waste and dried sweat. In this day and age, emissions of that nature, smell-wise, are not tolerated by most humans. Individuals of whom such emissions are representative will always find their vicinities vacated in a swift manner by their fellows. As a result, a human who smells of dung and musk will have a terrible life, social-wise. If that is to be avoided, bathing is the only option. The accumulated waste products that contribute to horrendous body odor will be gotten rid of by bathing often. Consequently, smells of a pleasant nature characterize people who take baths all the time.

To make a long story short, bathing is an enterprise that must be embarked upon by humans. The application of soapy-type water, on a regular schedule, to the epidermis and to the hair, has many effects of a spectacular nature for the human. The external appearance of the body, looks-wise, is good and clean in nature; the disgusting, miniscule life-forms that terrorize the body, constitution-wise, are annihilated; and the revolting emissions that result from the remnants of excrement and perspiration are purged. The types of humans who bathe a lot are, ergo, characterized by feelings of happiness and joy. In contrast, humans who, in a miserly manner, declare that bathing is made cost-prohibitive by the supposedly astronomical price of water, will be isolated from other humans, and thusly fall into the depths of despair. One needs not an eagle eye for the appropriate conclusion to be drawn: all human beings would be better off if they bathed with frequency.