For the past month or so, I've been working on an upgrade to this site, and it's finally done: Hypersyllogistic. It utilizes PHP with a MySQL backbone, which means, the pages are dynamic, and therefore, much more easily updateable. That will allow me to have regular screed entries on current events. Also, the new Hypersyllogistic site has advanced Invision Power Board forums that allow for good debate and better feedback.
Ashcroft Announces Sky is Blue
by Jason Vines
In a stunning development, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced the sky was blue.
Every American must know this information, Ashcroft said on Fox News Sunday. People must realize what the normal hue of the sky is, so they can determine when storm systems are posing a danger to them.
Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge warned on ABCs This Week what to do in the event a storm system arose.
The most important thing is to know a storm is swirling overhead, but dont let that affect your normal life To help citizens prepare for a storm, weve devised warnings that tell people when an angry weather system might be on the way. Blue, obviously enough, means blue skies, clearly nothing to worry about. Yellow means rain and perhaps lightning are coming; this is mainly a threat to golfers, swimmers, and other objects of Gods wrath. The highest alert, Red, means everyone will die painfully in a horrifying miasma of electricity and wind.
Again, dont let storms overly concern you. Go about your life as always.
Some lawmakers objected to Ridges new warning guide, calling it unclear.
This is a mockery of the good work Americans expect of government! bellowed Ted Kennedy of Massachusetts from his Senate desk. So, Red is an indicator Im going to die. What does that mean? Does it mean Im in danger? I have no idea, and I dont think the common American will, either. (Of course, Im a rich plutocrat with no connection to the average person, but thats a minor detail.)
One of the Senates most prominent new personalities, Hillary Clinton of New York, minced no words about Ridges guide, either: I think this is terrible. How can I serve my master the Lord Satan if this government seeks to end suffering? We should devote more energy towards bringing the efficiency and competence of government to the health care system.
The Republican President George W. Bush, addressing an attentive audience of cows, shrugged off Congressional doubts about his administrations plans. Americans need to know the sky is orange er, blue no, orange... and we need a way to tell them when the sky might not be orange. And when the sky have at longs last ceased being orange, Americans must be able to recognize it, and they must know what to does about it. Those will be my legacy to the American people: the ability to tell what color the skies is wait, was. What color the skies was, whenever they look down. They should know.
Pursuant to the administrations objectives in the War on Thunder, as Bush has called it, Ashcroft told NBCs Tim Russert of Meet the Press he would seize unprecedented law enforcement power. In addition to preparing for storms and dealing with their aftereffects, we must interrogate and execute the vile weathermen who send them at us. I have no evidence these weathermen are collaborating with the storms, but every non-treasonous American knows weathermen are behind the carnage. They study weather for their degrees, for Almighty Gods sake!
And what of weatherwomen? asked Russert.
Oh, so long as they wear five pants and five sweaters, theyre fine, replied Ashcroft. Im just after men. I want to hurt them. Particularly Roker.
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