House Approves Government Church

    Politicians Defend Constitutionality

WASHINGTON, DC (JV) - In a landmark vote, the House of Representatives overwhelmingly passed a bill today that would create a Christian church regulated by the federal government, with a clergy composed of presidential appointees.

"This is a great day in the histroy of America," President George Bush said after the bill's passage. "For the first time in millennia, Americans will be able to worship the creator of their choices, without having to tolerate the Islamic and the atheistic heathen." After Vice President Dick Cheney pulled him aside and whispered emphatically into his ear, Bush returned to the podium and said, "Oops, forget I says that last part."

In this election year, liberals who ordinarily would have opposed the creation of a government church instead voiced support for the plan.

"Anyone who would oppose this is nuts," said Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle, Democrat from South Dakota.

Reaction outside the Beltway took on a markedly different tone. The hundreds of average Americans who pay attention to matters of government protested in various cities across the country against the bill. Five letters poured into congressional mailboxes objecting to the establishment of any state church.

"If I wanted to live in a theocracy, I'd go to Iran," said one letter.

During a press conference late in the afternoon, a reporter asked presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer, "How does the president justify the bill's obvious inconsistency with the First Amendment?"

"There is no inconsistency," Fleischer replied. "The First Amendment only forbids the passage of any law respecting the establishment of a church."

"Isn't that what the bill would do?" pressed the reporter.

"Absolutely not," answered Fleischer. "The word 'establishment' implies an already existing institution, and the word 'respect' implies the government will pay homage to it. What the bill in question will do is create a new institution that the government will control stubbornly. This is totally consistent with the vision of the Founding Fathers as expressed by Thomas Jefferson, who wrote about 'divine Providence' and a 'Creator' in the Declaration of Independence."

When every hand in the press room immediately shot up, Fleischer said, "That will be all," then rushed behind the press room curtains.

Little word has emerged as to how the Senate will vote on the bill, but given Daschle's support of the bill, it will most likely pass.