The Ultimate Church of Shatnerology
by His Apostle, Jason Vines
After millennia in the darkness of confusion and despair, a Savior
has risen to shine the light of hope and peace, and His Name is William Shatner.
Eons ago, the Shatner forged the Earth from ash and silly putty, and then the Transcendent One populated his Creation with Men in his own Image, molded from the droppings laid by His Magnificent Bottom. The Shatner henceforth rested, planting His Bottom on Hisanus (Uranus to mere mortals) as He watched His former Shit live at the dawn of time.
But what the Transcendent One shat disappointed the Shatner. Men beat each other on their heads, they killed one another in pointless wars, and they listened to the Beatles. The Shatner felt compelled to action, so with the aid of the Roddenberry, a particularly novel fruit, he sent the Earth an emissary, a messiah, whose Name was Captain James T. Kirk.
James Kirk, despite His speech impediment that MADE… him… speak like…
THIS, shepherded the Earth out of its Ignorant Age. The Beatles disintegrated, and the
Flower People, who had been fertilized by Men’s heritage of Shit, got jobs and became
conservatives. But more than that, Kirk issued Ten Orders for Sad Star Trek Fans:
- Thou shalt not bathe.
- Thou shalt not shag.
- Thou shalt live with your parents until Eternity.
- Thou shalt don Starfleet Uniforms and congregate at Conventions, which shall humiliate anyone who has ever watched Star Trek.
- Thou shalt adorn your ears with the Pointy Latex Ears of Spock.
- If a Man shall watch Babylon 5 as he watches Star Trek, it is an Abomination. He shall be put to death, and his blood shall be upon him.
- The soul of the Babylon 5 fan shall be forever separate from the souls of his People.
- When the Shatner shall walk upon the Earth after the blasphemers at NBC cancel the Transcendent One’s show, thou shalt not reveal Him to be the Progenitor of Me, lest he shall command: “Get a life!”
- Thou shalt not worship the false god George Lucas; it is Abomination, for which Slaughter by the Roddenberry’s Legions shall result.
- Sod it, I’m a lazy git, I can’t think of another one.
Even as Kirk performed his Miracles, though, dark forces gathered on the horizon.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard, with his sly and cunning baldness, threatened to overwhelm the
Shatner’s advocacy of the toupee. To eliminate Picard’s appeal to the Masses,
the Shatner sacrificed his messiah Kirk, in order to portray Picard as negligent for
allowing the by-then geriatric Kirk to die while Picard played with Dr. Tolien
Soran’s toy.
Kirk’s Sacrifice Beneath the Bridge foiled Picard’s evil machinations to perpetuate naked baldness, by shifting Man to more compelling fare than Star Trek, such as Independence Day. The Transcendent One, after grieving for Kirk (and destroying Picard’s ship for leaving Kirk buried under a pile of rocks, the insensitive bastard), then sought the Roddenberry’s assistance in devising a punishment for the Men who displayed fealty to Picard. The Roddenberry thus gave Andromeda and Earth: Final Conflict.
And the Creation of the One Who Shat continues…
Some deluded skeptics might doubt the Divinity of His Rotundness, but what is this, the Shatnerology, if not proof? Those who continue to deny the Transcendent One shall roast their stomachs in Hell.
(Thanks to The First Church of Shatnerology for the inspiration behind this spoof of Christian dogma and William Shatner's big, giant head.)