Computer and Technology Jokes
Updated on 6/17/03



486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

STATE-OF-THE-ART - Any computer you can't afford.

OBSOLETE - Any computer you own.

MICROSECOND - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

SYNTAX ERROR - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

HARD DRIVE - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

KEYBOARD - The standard way to generate computer errors.

MOUSE - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

FLOPPY - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

DISK CRASH - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

SYSTEM UPDATE - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

POWER USER - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
Bill gates conversation with his home contractor

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room: or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I Dunno... Issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "What about the leaking toilet?"

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resource preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will it be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."
Dear Technical Support

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw module which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources. Any Ideas???
Two groups, one composed of women and the second of men, were once set up to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the the masculine gender or the feminine gender like ships

They were asked four reasons for their recommendations.

The men reported that computers be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women, on the other hand concluded that the computers be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
If Operating Systems Were Beers...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan and buy the newest version of Mac Beer which is usually available about 10 after you bought this one.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
Comes in a 16-oz. can and requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
The can looks amazing like Mac Beer's can, but still tastes kind of like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. The newest versions still come in 32 oz cons but with nearly 24 oz of beer in them. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. Cans have a tendency to explode regularly, but don't really make much of a mess, just a pain to replace damaged beer on almost a weekly basis.

Windows 98 Beer
Looks and tastes exactly like Windows 95 Beer, but with fancier pull tabs. Comes in 32 oz cans, but still only about 16 to 24 ozs of beer, depending on where you drink it.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Windows 2000/NT 5 Beer
Comes in 32 oz cans that are supposed be like a supercharged lite beer. According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Mac Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
If They Made Cars Like Operating Systems

1) A particular model of car wouldn't be available until after that year.

2) Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new engine for your car - unless your car was more than two years old; then you'd have to buy a new car.

3) Occasionally your car would just die for no apparent reason, while other cars would continue about their business.

4) You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you have a WinCar95 or a CarNT, but then, you'd have to buy more seats and seatbelts.

5) Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but only ran on 5 percent of the roads.

6) The oil, alternator, gasoline and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single light that reads: "General Car Fault, please check engine".

7) Car manufacturers would sell or give away cars that are in testing stages that would break down or blow up regularly.
Instructions for Windows 98

Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 ©, the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty.

Windows 98 © represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 ©. You'll notice immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase.

But that's not all. Windows 98 © contains many features not found in Windows 95 ©, or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 © offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.

Windows 98 © comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 © offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 © to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes."

If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed-permanently.

Windows 98 © also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 © solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10,000.

However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as a single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa."

Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, finger-prints, or retina scan, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 © as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 ©.
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:

1) GPF key -- This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

2) $$ key -- When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

3) ZD key -- This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.

4) MS key -- This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

5) FUD key -- Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory.

6) Chicago key -- Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

7) IBM key -- Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).

8) MSN Key -- With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!

9) RW95 Key -- Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?

10) FDISK Key -- Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.
New Viruses

Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, and then slowly expands to 200MB.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Deletes all old files.

Ellen Degeneres virus: You can no longer insert disks into your computer.

Titanic virus: Your whole computer goes down.

Disney virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Only attacks minor files.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

Peace Corps Virus: Toughest virus you'll ever love.

AT & T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT & T virus.

Sprint Virus: Every 2 1/2 minutes it reminds you that the AT&T and MCI viruses rates are too high, though w/o clearly saying how, it claims it can save you money.

Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- Once if by LAN and Twice if by C.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus 3.5 percent margin of error.)

Texas Virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS Virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Ollie North Virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

Sammy Gravano Virus: Attacks other computers, steals files and kills the hard drive then uses your modem to call the cops on you.

Sears Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Clinton Virus: After 'only technically' infecting your system, depending on your definition of infect. It apologizes endless while other lesser viruses randomly hide your files.
Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe as written by an Engineer

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten (flour)
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 (baking Powder)
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite (salt)
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride (Crisco)
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11(Sugar)
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 (sugar)
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde (my guess vanilla flavoring)
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein (eggs)
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao (cocoa)
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) (nuts)

Method:

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
One day Bill Gates was having a meeting with his beta programmers. One programmer said they were still having problems with the latest version of Windows, seems it was crashing all the time. So Bill says "I wish I had a dollar for every time Windows crashed... Oh, wait a minute, I already do."
The Borg meet Bill Gates

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

Riker: (looks puzzled.) "What the hell is `Microsoft'?"

Data: (turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

15 Minutes Later . . .

Data: "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade'."

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."

Riker: "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ...."

Geordi: (excited) "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"

Data: (studying displays) "Appearently the Borg have found the internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."

Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker: "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'.

Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..."

(Over the speakers:) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

Riker: "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

Data: "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits." Riker and Picard: (together - horrified) "Lawyers!!"

Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but appearently some must have survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It often proves fatal."

Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

Picard: "Turn the monitors off, Data, I can"t bear to watch. Even the Borg don"t deserve such a gruesome death!"
How to disable the modem speaker

Hardware Solution:
Open the modem with a screwdriver or can opener. Cut one wire going to the loudspeaker. Reassemble modem with remaining screws or duct tape (whichever is more convenient).

Software Solution:
RTFM the printed manual and select several pages of technobabble to sacrifice. Rip out these pages and shove into the modem speaker. Wrap with duct tape.

Hacker Solution:
Find ice pick. Stab speaker until dead. Note: This may void your warranty.

MSDOS/Windoze Solution:
It's a feature, not a bug. The noise is there for your own good. We know what's good for you. This feature will be fixed in the next release.

Kid's Solution:
Position modem with speaker facing upward. Pour pancake syrup into speaker. This will greatly reduce the high frequency response of the speaker thus attenuating the sound.

Policital solution:
Call the modem manufacturer and demand that they supply you with a modem that defaults with the speaker turned off. If they refuse, sue them for noise pollution.

Dealer Solution:
What you need is the new Fire-Belcher 2000 wiz bang modem with the built in speaker phone and voice command recognition. Just yell at the modem and the speaker will turn off.
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

Close your eyes and press escape three times.

Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

User Error: Replace user.

Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
......."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
......."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
The 12 Days of AOL

On the first day of AOL those Bozos gave to me, a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the second day of AOL those Bozos gave to me, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the third day of AOL those Bozos gave to me, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the fourth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the fifth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the sixth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me, 6 disconnection's, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the seventh day of AOL those Bozos gave to me, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnection's, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the eight day of AOL those Bozos gave to me, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnection's, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the ninth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnection's, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the tenth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me, 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnection's, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the eleventh day of AOL those Bozos gave to me, 11 channels not working, 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnection's, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the twelveth day of AOL those Bozos gave to me, 12 reasons to cancel, 11 channels not working, 10 hours without mail, 9 frozen chat rooms, 8 hours of busy signals, 7 frozen IMs, 6 disconnection's, 5 web crashes, 4 idiots at tech help, 3 error messages, 2 pieces of junk mail, and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God.

During dinner, God told them, "I invited you to dinner, because I needed three important people to send my message out to all people - Tomorrow, I will destroy the Earth!!"

Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I have two really bad announcements to make. First, God really does exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth."

Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, "I have good news and bad news. The good new is that God does exist, and the bad news is that he will destroy the Earth tomorrow."

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people, "I have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the three most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 Problem has been solved!"
A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end "Lead us not into temptation" she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail..Amen".
I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest women you could ever, ever imagine. 80 years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off her body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this woman.

Willie replied: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I'm chained to this real ugly old woman as pennance."

We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to another of the most ugliest women you could imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly woman.

The King replies: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old hag for a while as pennance."

We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on.

After a while we met up with Billy Gates, president of Microsoft. Billy Gates just so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous, lucious, and sexiest woman you could ever imagine, long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs, and a beautiful figure. We asked the two of them why they happened to be chained to each other like that.

And then the woman replies: "When I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins...".
Children's Property Laws
If I like it, it's mine.

If it's in my hand, it's mine.

If I can take it from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

If I think it's mine, it's mine.

If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.

If it's broken, it's yours

If I ... Whoops, sorry - I goofed. Instead of reading the Children's Property Laws, I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan.
The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand. In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates, but there are only two bullets in the gun!

Who does he shoot???

Gates, twice to be sure
Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature
I have just received information from a generally reliable source deep within NASA that the latest failure of the main computer onboard MIR occurred when Russian cosmonauts attempted to delete Microsoft's Internet Explorer. Waiting for additional verification that Janet Reno is naming an independent counsel to investigate.
Hacking Through the Jargon Jungle


When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.

Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:

Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn'twork."

Computer. Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU. Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.

Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

Help. The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Input/Output. Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Interim Release. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

Memory. Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Programmers. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Reference Manual. Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date. A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types:

novice, intermediate and expert.
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power- saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.

Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.

A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer - the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
AOL PRANK CALLS

::::::::ring::::::::

AOL: Thank you for calling America Online, this is Julie how can I help you?

Me: Yes, I just bought a modem, and I cant get it to call into the internet.

AOL: Okay are you on a mac or PC?

Me: Humm..I dont know..my modem box says "For PC"

AOL: Okay, did you set up your modem in windows?

Me: Oh..so I need to move it into a window? Are they solar powered?

AOL: No no..I mean windows, the program on your computer.

Me: OH GOD I NEED A COMPUTER? Damn, I got the modem, I had the phone line plugged in and everything, now I need a computer to go with it. This is a rip off!

AOL:*Laughing in backround* Okay sir, well...AOL is only for computer users, mac or PC.

Me: Yeah I bet..i'm not going to fall for that "You need a computer" bullshit, I have a modem for the internet, I dont need all the other stuff. Goodbye! click

::::::::ring::::::::

AOL: America Online, this is Diane speaking.

Me: Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join.

AOL: Okay sir what's your question?

Me: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called "cybersex"... does this cost extra?

AOL: *quiet laugh in the background* Well sir...I don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.

Me: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.

AOL: Well its something members typically do when they go to a chat room.

Me: Humm...I don't understand, what is cybersex??

AOL: I'm sorry I really don't know how to explain it.

Me: Humm..well, have you ever had cybersex?

AOL: Sir I don't think that's an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?

Me: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.

AOL: That's okay sir, anything else?

Me: Yes, I have one more question.

AOL: Go ahead

Me: What are you wearing?

AOL: <click>

::::::::ring::::::::

AOL: America Online this is Randy how may I help you?

Me: Yes I have a few questions about the service.

AOL: Okay how can I help you?

Me: When I get AOL, Will my friends be able to send things to my At Dot Com?

AOL: Umm...you mean e-mail.

Me: Yes that's it.

AOL: Yes, your address will be Your name @ aol.com

Me: I see. My name is Ryan, so it will be Ryan at American Online dot com?

AOL: Well, if the name Ryan is available yes.

Me: Okay neat.

Me: Also, my friends use a program called WWW Netscape so they can do at dot com WWW.

AOL: Ahum....huh??

Me: WWW Netscape...does AOL have www?

AOL: Umm...If you mean web access, yes you can access the web from America Online.

Me: Okay, do you have www.aolworld.com? Or www.wired.com? or www.2600.com? Or www.kome.com?

AOL: If its on the web, you can access any web site.

Me: I see...I'm new to all this.

AOL: No problem, any other questions?

Me: Yes, is it true I can see naked ladies on the WWW?

AOL: *laugh* Yeah you can.

Me: Cool! Where can I find them?

AOL: Umm...I wouldn't know.

Me: C'mon, I'm sure you know.

AOL: Well, do you need anything else?

Me: Come on! Tell me where you get all your naked lady pictures!

AOL: Sir I have to take other calls, goodbye. <click>

::::::::ring::::::::

AOL: Thank you for calling America Online, This is Brian, how may I help you?

Me: Yes, I want to buy the Internet.

AOL: Okay, if you give me your address I can send you a startup kit.

Me: Well, what do I need to use American Inline?

AOL: You need a computer, either a Mac or PC running Windows, and a modem

Me: How can I tell if I have a Moe-Dum?

AOL: There will be a place in the back of your computer to plug in a phone line

Me: I have a printer, is that my modem?

AOL: Umm...sir, there will be a slot in the back, and a place where the phone plugs in.

Me: Well...it's a color printer.

AOL: Humm.

Me: I think it's my modem.

<click>

::::::::ring::::::::

AOL: America Online, this is Debby, how may I help you this evening?

Me: Yes, I'm trying to become an AOL member, but I'm having problems making my account.

AOL: Okay, what happening?

Me: It disconnects me saying Invalid Credit Card.

AOL: What kind of credit card are you using?

Me: Visa.

AOL: Are you sure your card isn't expired?

Me: Actually, it's a stolen credit card.

AOL: Pardon, sir?

Me: Yeah, I stole it. I just jumped some guy and pounded him until he gave me his card.

AOL: Umm, sir I'm sorry I can't help you.

Me: Aww, c'mon, I'll give you a cookie.

AOL: Sir I have to go. <click>

::::::::ring::::::::

AOL: America Online this is Dave, what seems to be the problem today?

Me: Well, a lot of problems.

AOL: Okay lets go through them one at a time

Me: I'm lonely and sad.

AOL: Ahum...well, sir are you having any problems with America Online software?

Me: I'm chubby and that makes me sad.

AOL: Sir I'm sorry, but if you don't have a problem with AOL I need to move on to the next caller.

Me: *screams* NOOOOOO!! DONT LEAVE ME HERE ALL ALONE!

AOL: Okay sir, please calm down, just relax. Why don't you sign onto America Online and check out some of the new areas?

Me: No, my computer laughs at me.

<20 second pause>

Me: OH MY GOD THE ROOM IS SPINNING!!!!!! OH MY GOD HELP!!!

AOL: Sir, sir, I really must go now, there's other calls I need to take.

Me: HOW CAN YOU BE TAKING CALLS WHEN EVERYTHINGS SPINNING?????

AOL: Okay sir, I need to go, thank you for calling <click>

::::::::ring::::::::

AOL: Thank you for calling America Online this is Rich how can I help you.

Me:  *cough* yes, I think I downloaded a virus.

AOL:  Okay, did you run the program?

Me:   Yes I did.

AOL: Okay, and do you know exactly what it did?

Me:  I think it gave me the flu, I've been vomiting all day.

AOL:  Humm…sir do you know what a virus is?

Me:   The cold, the flu, its amazing how hackers got those things to send though the Internet.

AOL:  Sir, a virus is a program made to damage your computer, they can't make you sick.

Me: Oh god I feel stupid <click>

::::::::ring::::::::

AOL: America Online, This is Sarah, would you like to order America Online software?

Me: Well, i'm not sure yet, I have a few questions first.

AOL: Okay sir how can I help you?

Me:  With AOL, I can send E Mail right?

AOL:  Yes you can.

Me:  Okay....now...Who the hell is "E" and why does everyone want to mail him????

Now is when I hear some giggles... she puts me on hold to gather herself.

AOL:  Please Hold.

AOL:  Okay, sir i'm back, sorry about that, we had a little problem here.

Me: No problem.

AOL:  Okay.... well sir, "E" means electronic.

Me:   Now i'm even more confused.

AOL:  Hum... how so?

Me:   If "E" is electronic, how does it know what to write back?

Here she lets out a sigh.... stressing to find a way to explain email to me.

AOL:  Sir can you hold on again?

Me:  Okay.

AOL:  Hello, this is the supervisor here.... what exactly is your question? Maybe I can answer that for you.

The supervisor sounds fat, and black.

Me:  Well.... who, or what, is "E"...and why does everyone want to mail him?

AOL:  E-Mail means electronic mail, its a way you can send writing to a friend over the computer.

Me:  Ohh... simple enough... I feel so stupid.

AOL: Haha, well... that's okay, you gotta learn somewhere.   Do you have any other questions?

Me:  Yes, I heard that AOL has a problem with something my friends call 'suckage'.

AOL:  Hum...what exactly is that?

Me:  Well, they say that AOL sucks, and that I shouldn't get it.  But sometimes my friends are idiots, so I want to know, does AOL suck?

AOL:  Oh no it does not.  AOL has the fastest connection to the internet, and over 9 million members!

Of Course it does! What was I thinking??

Me:   Not according to inside-aol ,aolwatch, pf@aol, aof, and many other web sites.

AOL:  Well, those kind of web sites have a lot of lies, why don't you come try out AOL for yourself?

Me:   Oh, so you've seen those sites?

AOL:  Yes, they are all lies.

Me:  How about them inside-aol prank calls?

AOL:  Oh boy.... is this one of those?

It's a true honor to know moronic supervisors visit this site.... well, okay, not really.

Me: Could be.

AOL: Well, I need you to disconnect immediately.

This man is sounding very scared...  like I have a gun to his head over the phone.

Me: What??

AOL:  I need you to disconnect, we have other calls to take.

Me:  haha... look down, there's this thing on your phone called a 'hook'...you can hang up on me!

This is when I hear a deep thinking "hummmm"....and he hangs up.

The following is from the Letters column of the 25 July 1998 issue of The Economist and is one of the best of the many replies to an article by Bill Gates that appeared in the same newspaper two weeks earlier.

SIR--Mr Gates's arguments may also be applied to the electricity utility business. If I were the head of Gas & Electric, the first thing I would do is declare that we sell energy systems, not power, and that customers tell us that they want a familiar energy environment wherever they go. The first step would be to integrate a smart fridge into the overall energy system as it is the first appliance opened by most users and real-time monitoring of beer temperature increases satisfaction with the energy environment for 78% of all customers.

Customers would be free to use other fridges, even making someone else's their default appliance. However, if they try to remove the Gas & Electric fridge their television and air conditioner might not function properly. When a circuit fails in an older home we would repair it with a "service pack" that also installs our fridge, eventually introducing all customers to our energy environment.

We would also encourage homebuilders to "bundle" our innovative Laundry Suite into all new home sales. If builders made exaggerated claims that they could not refuse our Laundry Suite because they might lose their power connection, I would be required to enforce our industry standard non-disclosure agreement.

For the first six months we would also give away the innovative Gas & Electric Power Mailbox as part of the Laundry Suite. It not only receives letters but also records all return addresses, birthdays and visiting habits of in-laws, scheduling thank-you notes and utility payments. Of course, the current version of Power Mailbox takes up half the pavement and all of the attic, disables the fax, takes 12 minutes to disgorge letters and occasionally freezes everything in the fridge; forcing one to turn off all the lights, throw away the frozen fruit and restart dinner. However, attic space will become much less expensive in the 21st century, we will soon introduce a new fruit-recovery utility and version 3.0 will open the mailbox in under two minutes.

Once installed, homeowners are not authorized to remove it. Yet, as it is free we will have saved our customers money compared with manual mailboxes, making it all but impossible for the authorities to complain.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone ...on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and 'hands' his hand to the bar tender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender ..."I would never believe it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on the wall...his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god", said the bartender, "Did they rob you? How much did they get?" The guy turns and says: "No, no,... I'm just waiting for a fax!"
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