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Funny Forms
Updated on 6/17/03



Dear ___________ (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:

_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.

_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.

_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.

_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:

__ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.
__ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.
__ You typed your own name at the end.
__ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.
__ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.
__ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.
__ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.
__ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.
__ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.
__ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you're spending on the computer.
__ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.
__ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.
__ I am entering the witness protection program.
__ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.


Please understand, ____________and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch __ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,

__ Sincerely,
__ Gleefully,
__ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"
__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,
__ Good riddance, _______________________
Dear __________

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs ____________. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition:

_____ Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

_____ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.

_____ You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

_____ The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

_____ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

_____ My breasts are bigger than yours.

_____ Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

_____ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

_____ The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

_____ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

_____ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

_____ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
________________
Met someone special on the internet? Wanna ask them out but not sure if you're willing to take the chance at having a life scarring experience? No problem! Give 'em this little survey to fill out. Then review the answers and decide how willing you are to take your life in your hands. Good luck!

1) My name is:_______________________________.

2) The gender I claim to be is: (M)ale (F)emale

3) My real gender is: (M)ale (F)emale (T)hree-Mile Island

4) The age group I fall into is:
(A) 40 and older
(B) 30-39
(C) 21-29
(D) 15-20
(E) I wanna be a Power Ranger

5) In the past year, I have had:
(A) 1-5 dates
(B) 6-10 dates
(C) 11-15 dates
(D) More than 16 dates
(E) I rape sheep

6) I have the proper height/weight ratio for:
(A) the average human of my age and gender
(B) Gorgo, the four-head Dragon
(C) a washer and dryer set
(D) Ireland
(E) My gelatinous mass cannot be measured at any given moment for I am an ever-shifting entity

7) The reason I stayed at home last Friday night was:
(A) the last time I got in a car, all four wheels popped.
(B) strict upbringing makes me morally superior.
(C) the voices won't let me.
(D) it was a bad idea to drown Marge.

8) On a date, I prefer to take my companion/be taken to:
(A) a romantic, candlelit Italian cafe.
(B) International House of Pancakes.
(C) Bubba's Beer and Bait Shop.
(D) the dumpster behind 7-11.

9) For entertainment, I like to:
(A) watch movies/plays.
(B) watch cock fights.
(C) undulate my twelve chins to the theme of "Bewitched."
(D) snap the necks of mammals smaller than me.

10) My idea of the perfect male/female is:
(A) Keanu Reeves/Winona Ryder.
(B) Trent Reznor/Courtney Love
(C) Oral Roberts/Janet Reno.
(D) my fist/my fingers.

11) My hobbies are:
(A) collectings books/stamps/insects.
(B) computers.
(C) small Hungarian women named Loopy.
(D) eating at least ten times my body weight.
(E) acne.

12) My first words were:
(A) "Mama/Dada."
(B) "Seconds please."
(C) "Yours and the souls of your friends shall be mine!"
(D) "Touch me... touch me there."

13) My dream career is:
(A) millionaire playboy/playgirl.
(B) garbage collector so I can cash in on all their nifty benefits.
(C) anything with barbed wire.
(D) street gang moving target.
(E) lard wrestler.

14) I consider my body to be:
(A) a temple to the gods of desire.
(B) average, but could use work.
(C) proof God is far-sighted.
(D) I am mainland China.
(E) Just write "Titanic" on my behind.

15) If I could have one wish, it would be:
(A) peace on earth.
(B) piece of William Shatner's behind.
(C) four words: Pez, whips, Uma Thurman.
(D) a quick and easy cure for genital warts.

16) I have encountered problems with law enforcement agencies:
(A) never/seldom.
(B) often, and they always insist on body cavity searches.
(C) my family portrait is at the post office.
(D) I was arrests #234-289 on "America's Most Wanted."

17) What I would like to accomplish in my life most is:
(A) happiness. [Shut up, you hippy]
(B) a sixth finger.
(C) the ultimate Hellen Keller imitation.
(D) working my way into Zsa Zsa Gabor's pants.
(E) Ridding the highway of all lone shoes.

18) A nickname my friends may give me would be:
(A) Sexy/Ace/Bunny/Sweetie/etc.
(B) Scrotum Thief.
(C) Commander Nasal Clit and his Amazing Elbow, Sparky.
(D) The Thrustinator.
(E) Exxxxtacy Maggot.

19) My favorite thing about holidays is:
(A) the warm feeling of being with family and friends.
(B) food, food, food.
(C) it means I'm one year closer to freedom.
(D) Grandpa's annual orgy of the Damned.

20) My favorite meal is:
(A) a well balanced healthy dinner.
(B) whatever's stuck to the bottom of my chair.
(C) Indian boys about 4' tall, 11 years old, 90 lbs.
(D) boiled semen with a side order of lovin'.

21) My favorite type of literature is:
(A) computer tests like this one.
(B) public restroom stalls.
(C) anything on the newsgroup alt.beastiality.
(D) the magic writing on the back of my foot.
(E) the toe tags at the morgue when I'm on my "rounds."

22) My political views are:
(A) Democrat (bleeding heart, egg sucking liberal)
(B) Republican (money grubbing child molestor)
(C) Liberitarian (What's the matter? not enough spine for a real party?)
(D) Rastafarian [?]

23) (For females or Richard Simmons) When I walk by construction sights, the workers:
(A) whistle and cat-call.
(B) shield their eyes.
(C) jump of the high rise to end it quick and painlessly.
(D) throw rocks.
(E) Man, they can really aim that demolition ball.

24) If I were an animal in the zoo, I'd be:
(A) a love bird.
(B) an orangatang, pooping in my hands and throwing it.
(C) the dead animal that's been rotting for three days.
(D) a deformed, blind baby kangaroo.

25) My favorite type of music is:
(A) hard rock with no lyric and talentless bands.
(B) country music, cuz I'm a good ol' boy and I like to touch my sister's "fun zones."
(C) Tejano music (the soothing rhythms of a blaring accordion)
(D) Groups like "the Cure" because I can pretend I'm a vampire and act so dark and depressing when I'm nothing more than a sexually repressed teen who is upset 'cause my father didn't hug me enough and fulfill my bizarre, incestuous fantasies.
(E) Classi....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

26) the best type of pet is:
(A) dog.
(B) cat.
(C) anything that can "spread eagle" quick and likes "heavy petting."
(D) Darn you! Darn you! Vulcans need no pets!
(E) toasters- don't ask.

27) My last relationship was ruined because:
(A) I dropped my pants and he/she laughed.
(B) he/she couldn't put up with my habit of putting my body parts into pencil sharperners and screaming, "Yes, Captain, I am the Walrus!"
(C) he/she is scattered across Delaware- shhh, don't tell.
(D) she kept leaving the toilet seat up.

28) If my life had a slogan, it would be:
(A) "Get a piece of the rock."
(B) [Kool-Aid Man voice] "Oooooh yeah!"
(C) "Still legal in 32 states."
(D) "Mormon approved."

29) I use my computer most for:
(A) work.
(B) play.
(C) communications.
(D) DOOM (E) trapping hapless fools for consumption.
(F) trying to discover a user's footsize by handle.
(G) a sex slave. (My computer gave me the Michaelangelo virus)

30) What issues concern/interest you the most?
(A) AIDS.
(B) racism.
(C) foriegn policy.
(D) cattle mutilations.
(E) If the Mystique Sponge have tracked me yet.
(F) How I can get my hands on the neck of Knight of Nee.

31) The title of my (auto)biography would be:
(A) "Sweet Jesus! Thank God he's DEAD!"
(B) "Lifestyles of the Mundane and Mediocre."
(C) "Spoon Your Way To Fame and Fortune."
(D) "Going in His/Her Pants."
(E) "Still a Virgin."

32) My favorite pick-up line is:
(A) "Can I pick your teeth with my (insert random limb)?"
(B) "Do I pay you or the guy in the pink suit?"
(C) "Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?"
(D) "I bet I can bench press you!"
(E) "Your eyes are so entrancing.. your skin so delicate... wanna make love?"

33) My sign is:
(A) Some zodiac thing.
(B) "Child at play."
(C) "All you can eat."
(D) "Billions and Billions served."
(E) "Dip."

34) My dream car is:
(A) a 1979 blue Mustang Gia named Laura Palmer.
(B) the 1960's Batmobile.
(C) a hearse.
(D) anything I can fit in the backseat of.
(E) an Edsel.

35) If I ever got the chance to meet the makers of this test, I'd:
(A) shower them with love and adoration.
(B) become the authors' personal tonsil hockey slave.
(C) attempt to beat the heck out of them.
(D) ask them to autograph my spine.
(E) tell them to drop their pants and squeal like a pig. 
STATE OF KENTUCKY RESIDENCY APPLICATION
 
Name: ________________   (_) Billy-Bob
           (last)        (_) Billy-Joe
                         (_) Billy-Ray
                         (_) Billy-Sue
                         (_) Billy-Mae
                         (_) Billy-Jack
                         (Check appropriate box)
  Age: ____
  Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
  Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right
  
Occupation:
  (_) Farmer
  (_) Mechanic
  (_) Hair Dresser
  (_) Un-employed
  
Spouse's Name: __________________________

  Relationship with spouse:
  (_) Sister
  (_) Brother
  (_) Aunt
  (_) Uncle
  (_) Cousin
  (_) Mother
  (_) Father
  (_) Son
  (_) Daughter
  (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?  (Check appropriate box)

  ___ Total number of vehicles you own
  ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
  ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
  ___ Number of vehicles in back yard  
  ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
  ____ truck
  ____ bedroom
  ____ bathroom
  ____ kitchen
  ____ shed
  
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
  
Do you have a gun rack?
  (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
  
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
  (_) The National Enquirer
  (_) The Globe
  (_) TV Guide
  (_) Soap Opera Digest
  (_) Rifle and Shotgun
 
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
 
How often do you bathe:
  (_)Weekly
  (_)Monthly
  (_)Not Applicable
  
Color of teeth:
  (_)Yellow
  (_)Brownish-Yellow
  (_)Brown
  (_)Black
  (_)N/A
  
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
  (_)Red-Man
  
How far is your home from a paved road?
  (_)1 mile
  (_)2 miles
  (_)don't know


SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: ______________________
Stage name: _________________
Porn Name:__________________
Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________ Therapist _______
Sex: male_____ female ______
formerly male _______ formerly female_________
both _____

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle
in any way?
Yes ___ No ___

Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Actor/Waiter/Model
[ ] Film-maker/Self-employed
[ ] Consulting/Unemployed
[ ] Writer/Waiter
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Pan-handler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ______________

Please list:
Brand of cell phone: __________.
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Men: Please list shade of hair plugs

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)

[ ] Drinking a non-fat half cafe latte with a short of vanilla and twist of lemon
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers:______
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving:______

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company
   for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above

Please indicate if you drive:
a) Beamer
b) Porsche
c) Mercedes
d) Other

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Which of the following medications are you currently taking?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zantax
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
 
When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
   thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website
by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of
course, does not - and made the web department take it down
immediately. (In case you don't know: McDonnell Douglas is one of the
world's chief suppliers of military aircraft...)

 ========================================================
                         AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES
                              Important! Important!
                        Please fill out and mail this card
                            within 10 days of purchase.
=========================================================

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order  to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill
out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is
not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that
best meet your needs and desires.

  1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss
     _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade
     _Classified _Other

     First Name:

     Initial:

     Last Name:

     Password:

     Code Name:

     Latitude-Longitude-Altitude:

  2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

     _F-14 Tomcat
     _F-15 Eagle
     _F-16 Falcon
     _F-117A Stealth
     _Classified

  3. Date of purchase (Month/Day/Year):

  4. Serial Number:

  5. Please check where this product was purchased:

     _Received as gift/aid package
     _Catalog showroom
     _Sleazy arms broker
     _Mail order
     _Discount store
     _Government surplus
     _Classified

  6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell
     Douglas product you have just purchased:

     _Heard loud noise, looked up
     _Store display
     _Espionage
     _Recommended by friend/relative/ally
     _Political lobbying by manufacturer
     _Was attacked by one

  7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced
     your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas
     product:

     _Style/appearance
     _Kickback/bribe
     _Recommended by salesperson
     _Speed/maneuverability
     _Comfort/convenience
     _McDonnell Douglas reputation
     _Advanced Weapons Systems
     _Price/value
     _Backroom politics
     _Negative experience opposing one in combat

  8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be
     used:

     _North America
     _Central/South America
     _Aircraft carrier
     _Europe
     _Middle East
     _Africa
     _Asia/Far East
     _Misc. Third World countries
     _Classified

  9. Please check the products that you currently own or
     intend to purchase in the near future:

     _Color TV
     _VCR
     _Killer Satellite
     _CD Player
     _Air-to-Air Missiles
     _Space Shuttle
     _Home Computer
     _Nuclear-Powered Aircraft Carrier
     _ Intercontinental Ballistic Missile

  10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
      (Check all that apply:)

     _Communist/Socialist
     _Terrorist
     _Crazed
     _Neutral
     _Democratic
     _Dictatorship
     _Corrupt
     _Primitive/Tribal

  11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

      _Cash
      _Suitcases of cocaine
      _Oil revenues
      _Deficit spending
      _Personal check
      _Credit card
      _Ransom money
      _Traveler's check

  12. Your occupation:

      _Homemaker
      _Sales/marketing
      _Revolutionary
      _Clerical
      _Mercenary
      _Tyrant
      _Middle management
      _Eccentric billionaire
      _Defense Minister/General
      _Retired
      _Student

  13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
      indicate the interests and activities in which you and your
      spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

      _Golf
      _Boating/sailing
      _Sabotage
      _Running/jogging
      _Propaganda/disinformation
      _Guerilla warfare
      _Default on loans
      _Gardening
      _Crafts
      _Black market/smuggling
      _Collectibles/collections
      _Watching sports on TV
      _Wines
      _Interrogation/torture
      _Household pets
      _Crushing rebellions
      _Espionage/reconnaissance
      _Fashion clothing
      _Border disputes
      _Mutually Assured Destruction

 Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
 will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve
 you better in the future-as well as allowing you to receive mailings
 and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
 mysterious consortia.

 Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?   Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION, Marketing Department,
Military Aerospace Division, P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO
Name____________ Gang_____________________

1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 80 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 18 times at each drive by shooting. How many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $820.00 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick. How many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 a day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3- 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raul is in prison for 8 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?.

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 8 cans?

8. Hector has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What percentage of the girls in his gang has Hector Knocked up?

Bonus Question. All 6 girls WILL go on welfare. If each girl gets $1,200 in benefits per month + $400 in food stamps, how many 40 ouncers can they buy in 3 months at $1.00 per 40 ouncer?
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