Gay Jokes
Updated on 6/17/03



A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.

As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground.

He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry....You've had two warnings!" How can you tell if you've walked into a gay church?
Only half of the congregation is kneeling! Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs.

"Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!" Why do sailors have tattoos on their backs?
So their shipmates have something to read.

What is the leading cause of death among lesbians?
Hairballs

What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbian's apartment?
Potpourri What did One gay sperm say to another?
How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

What do a gay and a bungee jumper have in common?
If the rubber breaks they're both in the shit. Two gay men were taking a shower after playing racquetball. One asked the other, "Are you wearing one of those 'patches' on your pecker?"

"Yes", the second guy says, "I'm trying to quit."

The first one asks "is it working?"

"Sure is; I'm down to two butts a day." Two gay guys are driving down a road and stop at a stoplight. They are rear ended by a truck. The driver of the car, Henri, looks at his friend, Bruce and says "You tell that driver were going to sue him!" Bruce walks back to the truck and looks up at the burly truck driver and says, "We're going to sue you!" The irate truck driver looks down at the gay and says, "Oh kiss my ass!" Bruce turns & excitedly walks back to the car with his hand on his hip. He winks at Henri and says, "I think he wants to settle out of court!" What did the gay man say when he saw Jesus hanging from the cross?
Good God you're well-hung!"

What's the difference between a hunting dog and a homosexual?
A hunting dog sics ducks.

A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says "I must say, this is the cleanest pussy I've seen in ages." "Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 4 times a week." Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday." There were two gay guys living together.

One was more feminine and the other more masculine. The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about it.

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said, "Don't you think if that was true that you would have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now?" An Alleged Actual Article from the LA Times.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon," my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP TEN SCAREST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!

9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube."

4) "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time!!" A man asked his doctor if there was a test to see to help him determine if he was gay.
The Doctor said "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants."
The man pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55.
The man said "55."
The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told him to say 55.
The man said "55."
The doctor then told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's anus he once again told him to say 55.
The man said "1.....2.....3.....4.....5......6.....7......8" A man walks into a public men's room, His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart.

He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that." the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now." Two lesbians and two fags leave New York at precisely the same time to travel to Washington, D.C. Which pair will arrive first?
The lesbians, because they'll be doing 69 the whole way while the fags will still be home packing their shit!

Whats the first sign you got AIDS?
A pounding sensation in your ass.

Did you hear about the three gays who attacked a woman?
Two held her down while the third did her hair.

When a man and a woman marry, they get a marriage license, what do lesbians need?
A licker license.

What's the definition of confusion?
20 blind lesbians at a fish market.

What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
Well-hung.

What's another term for lesbian?
"Vagitarian."

What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
At a straight rodeo, they yell "Ride that sucker"

What does a fruit order in a Chinese restaurant?
Cream of some-young-guy.

Three gays sitting in a hot tub. What did one say to the others when a condom floated by?
Who farted.

What do they call a sex-change operation?
Artificial infemination. The church service was under way and they passed the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced "Who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate please stand up".

A gay man stood up and said "I did".

The preacher told him "Since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns."

Excitedly, the gay guy said, "Well I'll take him and him and him." A man walks into a bar for a drink. After some time he notices that there are all men at this particular bar, and with some thought and observation he realizes it must be a gay bar. He quickly finishes his drink and gets ready to leave, but first he heads for the mens room to take a piss. Upon entering the mens room to his great suprise he sees three men engaged in triple butt fuck. The three men are lined up in a row with the guy in the middle getting it in the ass while he is ramming the man in front of him. The man can't believe his eyes and he quickly leaves the restroom and explains to the bartender,"Hey! Three guys are lined up in a row butt fucking each other in the mens room!"

The bartender asks,"Was the guy in the middle wearing a blue hat?" "Yeah he was." said the man.

The bartender says,"Yeah...that guy's lucky at cards too." Back to the main Jokes page