Magic Lamp Jokes
Updated on 6/17/03



A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.

The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?"

Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle." Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.

"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

Poof! And just like that..her ears fell off. Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Christians or Jews, can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.

Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out."

Izzy says, "Fill it up with water." Swen and Lars were out fishing one day, when a bottle came floating by. Swen grabs the bottle, and in the typical genie-in-the-bottle joke, the genie asks what one wish Swen would desire. Swen says, "I sure am thrirsty, could I have this whole lake be full of beer"? POOF - the lake is full of beer. Lars say, "so now see what you've done now, Swen"!! "Now we'll have to piss in the boat"!!!! Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach & picks it up. Suddenly, a female genie appears from the bottle.

"Master, may I grant you one wish?" says the genie with a smile.

"Hey Bitch...don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barks Rodman.

The genie pleads..."But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."

Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all he says, "Ok, ok...I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screams, "Now leave me alone!"

So the annoyed genie says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.

The next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, & Hillary Clinton in bed with him. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance. An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached. A man and his wife got into and argument. The husband said to the wife "Fine...I am going to the casino, getting drunk and spending all of our money" as he stormed out the door.

Sure enough an hour later he stumbled out of the casino, drunk, broke, and no car and tripped over a lamp. He picked it up, threw it, and a genie popped out.

The genie said "I will give you three wishes, but your wife gets double of each of your wish"

The man said "Genie, I wish for one Rolls Royce" One Rolls appear at the curb in front of him, two appears on his wife's side of the driveway.

Again he said "Genie, I wish for 10 million dollars" Ten million is in his account, twenty million in hers.

One more time he says "Genie, you're going to think I am crazy, but now I want you to beat me half to death" Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?" A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle
. He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes.

When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars.

"Wow, my first two wishes have come true!" he yells.

He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys.

First, they beat the shit out of him, then they tar and feather him. They take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off.

It turns out they are the Genies. The first Genie turns to the second and says, "You know, I can understand his first two wishes, but why would he want to be hung like a black man?" This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy.

The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."

"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."

"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that.

"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later.?"

"Gee, this is most unusual. I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..." A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.

A genie appeared and thanked the man. "I'm so grateful to get out of that bottle that I'm going to grant you a wish-- one wish only."

The man thought carefully and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but haven't been able to because I'm afraid of airplanes. Boats make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for several minutes and said, "I'd like to accommodate you, but I really can't do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the pilings needed to hold up a highway, how deep they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Just imagine the huge distance and the incredible amount of pavement. Think how strong it would have to be to withstand storms. I don't think you understand what you're asking. I'd have to tell you that it's really too much to ask."

"OK", said the man. "The one other thing that I've always wanted is to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're temperamental, what they really want in life, basically what makes them tick."

After careful consideration, the genie said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?" An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF ***

Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF ***

She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." Back to the main Jokes page