Religion Jokes
Updated on 6/17/03



Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm fucked."

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No my son, you are NOT fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're fucked." A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly, they don't really know how. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch!" The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again.

Again it slipped, this time almost smashing his fingers. "Son-of- a-bitch," he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'"

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. And again it slipped. He started to say "Son.." but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus, help me." At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

The nuns looked at the car in wonder, exclaiming, "Son-of-a-bitch!" Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was 'wasted'. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!" One day Mr. Jones went to talk with the Minister of his Church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the Minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's falling asleep, and I will motion to you. When I do, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In Church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he asked, motioning to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.

"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.

"God!" cried Mrs. Jones as she was again stuck with the pin.

"Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing with his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice as he picked up the tempo of his sermon. Finally he made a motion that Mr. Jones mistook as the signal to wake his wife. He was just sticking her with the pin when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damn thing in me one more time and I"ll break it off and shove it up your ass!" In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand, books that had already been copied by hand.

He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?"

Father Justinian was startled! No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document."

He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter, and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening.

The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian?" He called.

The sobbing was louder as he came near. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.

"Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!!" It's an unseasonably cold day in Dallas. Two priests who are visiting town for a convention are walking and since they did not bring overcoats, they decide to buy a couple.

They go into Nieman-Marcus and ask the clerk for two black overcoats. The clerk explains that it's the off season for overcoats, but he'll take a look. All he can find are two navy blue coats of the proper size. He tells his manager and the manager says, "Hell, sell them the blue coats. On a day like this, they won't be able to tell the difference." The clerk does.

The priests are walking again and looking at their new coats.The coats just don't seem to look right. They pass two nuns and one of the priests asks a nun to hold up the sleeve of her black habi tso he can compare the color. She does.

As the nuns are walking away, one of them says to the other,"Isn't it nice to hear a priest speak Latin in this modern age. I wish I knew what he said." The other nun asked her what it sounded like. The first nun replied, "It sounded like he said, 'Nieman Marcus fuctus'." The Theology of Toys

Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.

Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican - They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.

Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.

Atheism - There is no toy maker.

Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.

Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours.

Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.

Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...

Hedonsim - Hang the rule book! Let's play!

7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.

Baptist - Once played always played.

Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play. One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven- year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?" Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?"
Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."
Son: "I Thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either." A man came home and saw his children along with a group of the neighborhood children gathered around the front steps.

When he asked what it was they were doing, one youngster replied, "We're playing church!"

The puzzled Father inquired further and was told, "Well, we've already sung, prayed and listened to the sermon.Now, we're all outside smoking." A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman."

"Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago." The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!"

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up. Noah And Today's Ark

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board." "Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind." "Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!" "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire." "The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has." A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father."

"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree."

"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh father, may I touch it?"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes, it is, sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here." Three nuns are driving down the road, the driver loses control of the vehicle, careens off the road and crashes, killing all instantly. When the nuns arrive at the pearly gates they are met by St. Peter. St. Peter explains that they will have to answer one question correctly and then they will be admitted into Heaven.

He says, "As you are all women of God the questions will be relatively simple." He gestures the first nun forward and asks, "What were the names of the first man and woman?"

The nun quickly replies, "Adam and Eve."

St. Peter smiles and says, "Correct, come on in!"

The second nun approaches and St. Peter asks, "Where did Adam and Eve live?"

The nun instantly answers, "The Garden of Eden!"

"Fine, fine." St. Peter intones and ushers her in.

The third nun approaches and St. Peter's smile slips a little, "Mother, since you are the superior to your small flock your question will naturally be slightly harder than those asked previously." He takes a breath and in his deep voice asks, "What were the exact words uttered by Eve upon seeing Adam for the first time?"

The Mother Superior studies the cloud banks around them pensively, rubs her chin thoughtfully and murmurs "My that is a hard one."

"Exacta-mundo!" shouts St. Peter and welcomes her through the gates of Heaven. THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion. Whats the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest? Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years of age. Around the 28th day of all creation. God finishes up with the finishing touches creating the universe, the earth and the rest of creation. He figures he'll go back down to the Garden of Eden to see how Adam and Eve are making out.

He happens to be strolling down a path near the Garden of Eden when he see's Eve in the water, washing herself. He see's exactly WHAT in fact she is washing... and puts both hands up to the side of his cheeks in shock and screams....

" WELL THAT DOES IT!!!! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THAT SMELL OUT OF THE FISH?!!?!!" Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over creations. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..." A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.

The rabbi explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."

The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."

The televangelist then proclaims: "I also use the same method. Except, that I toss the money in the air and I figure that whatever God wants, he can take." A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, “Give it a shot father”. After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says “Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!”
Priest: “Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?”
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) “I’m sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!”
Priest:”Oh, I’m sorry - I didn’t know.”

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

Priest: “Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!”
Bishop: “Please Father, mind your language, this is a house of God.”
Priest: “No, you don’t understand - that’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!”
Bishop: “Hmmm. You know. I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner.” So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

Bishop: “Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?”
Mother Superior: “My lord, what language!”
Bishop:“No, Sister, that’s what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it.

Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: “I caught the sonofabitch!”
Bishop: “And I cleaned the sonofabitch!”
Mother Superior: And I cooked the sonofabitch!”

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, “You know, you fuckers are allright”. A man went to confession and said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

The priest asked if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replied that he had used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest said, "Oh, okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replied that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word." The priest sighed and told him to continue.

"Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."

The priest said, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!" A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.

Full of fear, he assessed his situation.

He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail.

Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"

A deep yet serene voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

"Who is it?"

"It's God."

"Can you help me?"

"Yes, I can help."

"Please help me then!"

"Let go."

Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"

"Let go. I will catch you."

"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?" Old Sol was in the hospital, near death. Sol had always been a religious man, so his family called their rabbi to stand with them.

As the rabbi stood next to the bed, Sol's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The rabbi lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Sol used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The rabbi thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the service, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Sol died. He reached into the pocket and pulled out Sol's note.

He said, "You know, Sol handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Sol, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Rabbi, you're standing on my oxygen tube!" A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.

They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize." A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...."

To which the Rabbi replied.... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!" St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?" The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar." There were four people who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. One was Christian, one was Catholic, one was a Buddhist and the forth was Jewish.

The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day the first applicant, the Christian, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."

"Why do you say that?" asked the president.

"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."

"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the Catholic woman. "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."

"Why?" asked the president.

"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."

The president thanked her, then called in the next person.

The Buddhist was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."

"I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the Jewish man was called in.

He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"

Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps...

and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS..... (He got the job....) A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go." Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."

Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!" Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com). Unfortunately, he mistyped his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up sending his message to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away a few days earlier. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Hi Honey! Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here. Your Loving Husband" A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the father. "I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi. "And what did he say?" pressed the father. "God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' " A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit be a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not; "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got a blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."

He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own fucking blanket!" A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility said, "I Have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course." A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous, and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!!!" A guy, on his way to work one day, hears a whispered voice, "sell your house....sell your house.....". He thinks this is odd and tries to dismiss it, but he hears the voice again and again, day after day, week after week.

Finally he can't take it any longer and he sells his house. He looks up in the sky and screams,"there, I've sold the damn house, are you satisfied?"

To his surprise the voice answers,"go to Vegas....go to Vegas....." Wanting this to come to an end, he drives 1200 miles to Las Vegas. When he gets there he asks the voice, "ok, now what?"

The voice replies,"go to the Sands and bet it all on 13 black...13 black." So he goes the The Sands Casino, bets all the money from the house and his life savings on 13 black.

The roulette wheel spins, the ball drops, clink, clink.....24 red!!! The guy is standing there dumbfounded, when suddenly he hears the voice one last time....."DAMN!!". The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel!'". Three friars were banished from their monastary for various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They travelled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.

One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home.

Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby.

The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." and all the people gave up and went home.

A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.

When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.

The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars. A Catholic priest is in his confessional box.
The sliding door opens.
"Father, I had sex with a pair of loverly 18 year old nymphomaniac twins five times last week"
"What kind of Catholic are you? " demanded the priest
" I'm not a Catholic "
" Then why are you telling me this? "
" I'm telling everyone !!!! " St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."

Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.

Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"

St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel." Back to the main Jokes page