Stupid Lists
Updated on 11/30/03



Things Found Only in America


1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
Slogans That Never Quite Caught On

Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err."
Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"
Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."
MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."
Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid!"
Iguana: "The other green meat."
Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing!"
Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"
Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."
Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!"
Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!"
Trojans: "Just add meat."
Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"
Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"
Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?" Top 10 reasons e-mail is like a penis

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."

6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a Penis....

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind. They just don't read right... Headline Bloopers

Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One.
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
House Passes Gas Tax on to Senate.
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan.
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung.
William Kelly was Fed Secretary.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted.
Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water.
Farmer Bill Dies in House.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.

While Others Become unintentionally suggestive...

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped.
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over.
NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach.
Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden.
Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex with Newspaper Editors.
Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax.

Telegraphic grammar often botches other headlines:

Eye Drops Off Shelf.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim.
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon.
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe.
Lawmen from Mexico Barbecue Guests.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite the one intended:

Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One.
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy.
Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984.
Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to Do Better.

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly it may Last a While.
War Dims Hope for Peace.
Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency.
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday.
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad she Hasn't Seen in years.
Man is Fatally Slain.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say.
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling of Isolation. 32 Reasons Why Cookie Dough Is Better Than Men

1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.

2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.

3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.

4. You always want to swallow.

5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.

6. It's "quick and convenient".

7. You can enjoy it more than once.

8. It comes already protectively wrapped.

9. You can make it as large as you want.

10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.

11. It's easier to get the kind you want.

12. You can comparison shop.

13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.

14. You can put it away when you've had enough.

15. You know yours has never been eaten before.

16. It won't complain if you chew on it.

17. It comes chocolate flavored.

18. You always know when to get rid of it.

19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.

20. It's always ready to go.

21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.

22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed

23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.

24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.

25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.

26. It won't take up room in your bed.

27. It's easy to pick up.

28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.

29. You know what the extra weight is from.

30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.

31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.

32. It is very pliable. Answering Machine Messages

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy.You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you. The Warning Signs Of Insanity

1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a banana.

2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from

. 3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she send you mail from Iowa asking why you never write

5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it would ward of evil dandruff spirits.

7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of sex.

9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

11. You laugh out loud during the national anthem.

12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "FIRE! FIRE!"

13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

16. Your neighbor pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

17. You collect dead windowsill flies.

18. Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.

20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.

23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

26. You wake up each morning and find yourself standing on your head in the middle of your front lawn.

27, Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

28. Melba toast excites you.

29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

30. You tend to agree with everything that your mother's dead uncle tells you.

31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."

32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

40. You like reading lists like this. :) Bumper stickers for the 90's:

Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window

Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.

If you can beat me, you can eat me! (seen on a Corvette driven by a "drop-dead gorgeous blonde")

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on a Jeep)

Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.

Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.

GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.

If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

Boldly going nowhere

Cat: The other white meat

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde

Don't be sexist - broads hate that!

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE THE VOICES ARE TALKING TO ME

EARTH IS FULL GO HOME

I HAVE THE BODY OF A GOD.......BUDDHA

THIS WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY IF IT WEREN'T HAPPENING TO ME

SO MANY PEDESTRIANS SO LITTLE TIME

I USED TO BE DISGUSTED NOW I'M JUST AMUSED

CLEVERLY DISGUISED AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT

IF WE QUIT VOTING WILL THEY ALL GO AWAY?

THE FACE IS FAMILIAR BUT I CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER MY NAME

HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS...STILL DIES

EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE, DIE ANYWAY

ILLITERATE? WRITE FOR HELP

HONK IF ANYTHING FALLS OFF

HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST

HE WHO HESITATES IS NOT ONLY LOST BUT MILES FROM THE NEXT EXIT

THIS ISN'T MY IDEA OF A GOOD TIME

IT'S BEEN LOVELY BUT I HAVE TO SCREAM NOW

UNIQUELY MALADJUSTED BUT FUN

THIS BUMPER STICKER EXPLOITS ILLITERATES

MINIMUM WAGE FOR POLITICIANS

VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNALS

WHERE ARE WE GOING AND WHY AM I IN THIS HANDBASKET?

I HAVEN'T LOST MY MIND IT'S BACKED UP ON DISK SOMEWHERE

OH, EVOLVE!

YOU! OUT OF THE GENE POOL!

GONE CRAZY BE BACK SHORTLY

IF YOU'RE NOT OUTRAGED YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION

I DO WHATEVER MY RICE KRISPIES TELL ME TO The top 10 signs your Teletubby is gay:

10. The pages of all his Barney books are sticky.
9. He keeps redecorating Barbie's Dreamhouse.
8. The TV screen in his stomach only plays figure skating and men's gymnastics.
7. He's started waxing the purple fuzz on his back.
6. You spotted this classified recently: "Bi-curious purple male,swimmers build, into hiking, skiing and intergalactic travel, seeks same for friendship first. No fats or fems."
5. Mr. Rogers started a petition to get "his kind" out of the neighborhood.
4. That triangular antenna on his head only picks up Abba music.
3. He's been sleeping on Matt Damon's couch.
2. He carries Vanity Fair and an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue in his little red bag.
1. He plans to marry Nicole Kidman. Top Ten Fun Things To Hide In Your Boss' Office ...

10. A "baby monitor." Makes those closed door meetings easier to hear.

9. A pregnancy test kit with a positive result and an unsigned note saying: I told you that damn condom ripped.

8. Put a piece of tape on the underside of his mouse. That way the ball doesn't roll and it will take the jerk and the IS department all day to figure it out.

7. 32 beepers, all stashed in different places. (Borrow them from managers who are forced to wear them 24 hours a day.) Page a different beeper every 15 minutes. This works especially well if you also switch his morning decaf with espresso.

6. First, simply hide pot seeds and watch as your clueless boss waters and nutures the plants daily. Second, watch as boss is escorted out of the building three months later by security ...

5. Thong, lace bra the morning after the company Christmas party.

4. Nonchalantly drop lingerie and then kick it under the front of his desk (where he can't see it, but visitors can) early in the morning before an important meeting. Then, during the meeting, stare quizzically at the floor under his desk.

3. A memo from Accounting Department requesting a meeting to review his recent purchases on the company credit card?

2. An open and empty condom wrapper ...

And the number one fun thing to hide in your boss's office ...

1. A stained dress. GROUCHO MARX HAD SOME OF THE BEST LINES...

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple- sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is I'm against it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. Politically Correct?

A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
An experiment in artificial stupidity
A few beers short of a six pack
Dumber than a box of hair
A few peas short of a casserole
Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box
A couple of screws short of a box
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
One taco short of a combination plate
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer
The cheese slid off his cracker
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
As smart as bait
Chimney's clogged
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
Doesn't know much but, leads the league in nostril hair
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Her sewing machine's out of thread
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops
If he had another brain, it would be lonely
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
No grain in the silo
Proof that evolution can go in reverse
Receiver is off the hook
Several nuts short of a full pouch
Sky light leaks a little
Slinky's kinked
Surfing in Nebraska
Too much yardage between the goal posts CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE

"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched How to make a telemarketer go away

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I ever have to pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission-hungry person waits for you to get your credit card.

3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days, and I have all these problems. My sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with talking about your problems.

4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it's located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie, and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services." You: "Hang on a second" (few seconds pause). "Okay (in a really husky voice), what are you wearing?"

6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise: Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

7. Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as the telemarketer is trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Friends and Family plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend?"

9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out? You can? Well how about goat blood or HUMAN blood? Chicken blood too?"

10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh," "Really" or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They'll get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit-card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

11. Tell the telemarketer you are busy, and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home", say," Now you know how I feel." One of the worlds most famous blondes is turning 40 this year. She doesn't look a day over 18, well maybe 27. No cellulite on her thighs, no wrinkles, no sagging breasts. Her figure is the same as it was twenty years ago. Many girls from around the world are familiar with this famous blonde. Some would say she is more famous than Madonna.

Yes Barbie Millicent Roberts turns forty this year. Is it time to give up the mini skirt for something more conservative? You be the judge, but the folks over at Mattel don't seem to think so. On the other hand, some women have suggested a few changes to the world's most popular doll. Something more fitting for the now middle aged blonde. Here's a list of possible new Barbies...

Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Cook's Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terrymules. Colors:pink, rose, blush.

No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school egaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr.. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Midlife Crisis Barbie: It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

Single Mother Barbie: There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book, a six-pack of Diet Coke, and a pack of Marlboro Lights.

Mattel may not want to turn Barbie into a middle aged doll as some women suggested. Still others say it is high time for Ms. Roberts to get in touch with the modern times. Here are some suggestions for a 90's type of Barbie.

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bitten Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies holding down two jobs in order to make ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out; comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non threatening way. Also includes tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetuses at various stages of development and breast pump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to do what she chooses with her own Barbie.

Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge of Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Options include a tiny mezuzahs for doorway of...

Barbie townhouse. Accessories include garb suitable for most Christian and eastern faiths. So why not already?

Home girl Barbie: A Truly fly Barbie in midriff baring shirt and baggy jeans. complete with gold jewelry, hip hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't THINK so!", "Dang, get outta my face" and "you GO girl!" Teaches girls not to take sh*t from men and condescending white people.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe

Robotic Barbie: Hey kids! Experiment with an autonomous two legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket-O'-Fried-Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut coffee ring, a brick of Sealtest Ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a T-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat" and, of course, an appetite.

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes with her own Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live together. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use on the Plains, and how to take care of one's nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crimes against feminism!

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and she actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class really is, Ballerina barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies and boyfriends.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American Dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happens after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder states woman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear Men are like....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest
Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are T-shirt Sayings & Slogans

Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair
Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time
I Want It All and I Want It Delivered
Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam
I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man -- I've Been Practicing Since 1943
Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton
Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt
60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts, Make Offer
If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees
A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic
That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink
Procrastinate Now
Rehab Is for Quitters
My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse - He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse
My Dog Can Lick Anyone
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?
Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15
If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!
ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
SAVE the WHALES. ... Collect a whole set.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP BUT YOU EAT BETTER.
STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music -
JOIN THE ARMY Travel the World, Meet interesting people and kill them.
Where there's a will I want to be in it.
MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose.
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog
POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
FOR SALE -- Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
To catch rabbits, Hide behind a bush and do carrot calls.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
When things look dark, hold your head up high so it can rain up your nose.
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!
STOP THE SLAUGHTER. BOYCOTT BABY OIL!
If the shoe fits, buy it. ----Imelda Marcos
HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH.
FREE THE INDIANAPOLIS 500
A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a thousand times the memory
The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
IF WE WEREN'T MEANT TO EAT ANIMALS THEN WHY ARE THEY MADE OF MEAT?
Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.
HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Be Alert...the world needs more lerts.
THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE Keep going.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
NUKE THE GAY BABY WHALES
JESUS LOVES YOU - It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
Can you yell MOVIE! in a crowded firestation?
HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!
WELCOME TO UTAH - Set your watch back 20 years.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
EMORDNILAP is Palindrome spelled backwards.
IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Customer Service Notice: Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders. If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.
PRESERVE THE SPOTTED OWL (in formaldehyde)
Dyslexic Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
Automobile -A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Drive defensively --buy a tank.
Earn cash in your spare time --blackmail friends.
God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself, --historians merely repeat each other.
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
MOP AND GLOW -Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Stealing from one is plagiarism. Stealing from many is research.
SQWERTY -Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
TRAPEZOID -A device for catching zoids. Rules gals don't know

1. Nothing says 'I love you' quite like a blowjob in the morning.
2. He's never thinking about 'The Relationship.'
3. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
4. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
5. Share the bathroom.
6. Share the closet.
7. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning. (hmmmm where have I heard this before, ohhhh yeahhhhh Rule 1)
8. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. Top ten things only women understand

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN DO THESE THINGS ANNOY YOU TOO??

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say "Oh you just can't have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?

5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this?
Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at the freaking ceiling up there.

7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive when you are sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved" which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,then there must have been something before it.

10.When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over! CHINESE EBONICS
Are you harboring a fugitive? (Hu Yu Hai Ding?)
Approach me. (Kum Hia)
Stupid Fellow (Dum Gai)
Small horse (Tai Ni Poni)
Prices are too high here (No Bai Dam Ting)
Miami vacationing agreed with you (Ya Mai Ti Tan)
I bumped into a coffee table (Ai Bang Mai Ni)
Have you considered a face lift? (Chin Tu Fat)
You try saving electricity? (Wai So Dim?)
Unauthorized execution (Lin Ching)
Inquiry to determine if bus is due (Hao Long Wei Ting?)
Plaything belonging to ancient emperor (Ming Toy)
You're blowing your diet (Wai Yu Mun Ching?)
Keep out of the pond (Noh Wei Ding)
Tow-away zone (No Pah King)
Don't you know anything by Cole Porter? (Wai Yu Sing DumSong?)
You are not very bright (Yu So Dum)
I have a press pass (Ai No Pei)
I don't deserve the death penalty (Wai Hang Mi?)
You're suffering from chronic halitosis (Yu Bai Sen Sen Nao)
Remain out of sight (Lei Lo)
Cleaning automobile (Wa Shing Cah)
Did someone fertilize the field? (Hu Flung Dung?)
Your body odor is offensive (Shu Man Go)
They are approaching (Hia Dei Kum) HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop. LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss. DOG PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours. Things we learn from movies:

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. How to Repel People

A list of phrases to use when you want to be left alone on long flights, at parties, bus rides, at the polo grounds, etc.

1) Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)... but at least I have her skin to remember her by.
2) Have you ever tried cat meat?
3) I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the playground really miss me.
4) Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!
5) I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.
6) I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!
7) The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!
8) (man to woman) Hey, could I borrow a tampon?
9) I puked on the last person who flew next to me.
10) My butt reeeally itches!
11) Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!
12) My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.
13) The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.
14) Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?
15) I stepped in dog shit AGAIN?!
16) I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?
17) My mother just told me we can't sleep together anymore.
18) Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!
19) Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!
20) Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
21) I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not!
22) This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.
23) Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!
24) If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up.
25) Wanna buy a gerbil?
26) Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right behind the Savior David!
27) Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off.
28) Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at the border!
29) I've just been treated for tapeworms.
30) Don Knotts is my favorite actor!
31) I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck.
32) The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much better when I left a couple days ago.
33) Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?
34) I collect aluminum foil.
35) Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers!
36) I work in a landfill.
37) I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience.
38) I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!
39) I work on a Japanese whaling ship.
40) (With redneck accent) Hey, if me and my wife get divorced, are we still legally brother and sister? Top 50 Oxymorons:

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the Number one top oxymoron
1. Microsoft Works The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:

FIRST THE WOMEN:

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive financially insecure
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height................ Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST:

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer There's an old adage that says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including but not limited to the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Appointing an intervention team to re-animate the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase the rider's load share.
9. Re-classifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting it's full original cost.
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
21. Apply for a government subsidy to retrain dead horses. Back to the main Jokes page