Miscellaneous Jokes
Updated on 6/17/03



When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.

She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!" He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!" A student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers. A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?" A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!".

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?" In a recent study, the government administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

Researchers are at a loss to explain. If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
The right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU At the doctor's office a woman complained that she had been experiencing constant flatulence, but fortunately, she added, "they don't stink at all!" The physician did his physical exam, then instructed the woman take two of these pills tonight and "call me in the morning!"

The woman did as he instructed. In the morning however, she discovered that her flatulence continued, but now the odor was horrendous. She called the doctor back: Well, the doctor replied, "Now that I've cured your sinus problem, I'll see what I can do about your flatulence!" An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and, to the old mans surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 5 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks ike a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says, "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says, "Wait up .... I'll get my hat." As God is peering down on the Earth, he notices two statues, one a man the other a woman. He says to himself, "Those statues have been standing there for thousands and thousands of years, I will reward them by giving them one day of life."

Instantly the two statues become alive. They look at each other in silence for a while before the woman statue says, "Well, what do you want to do?" The man statue says, "I know! Follow me," and runs behind some nearby bushes The woman statue follows and a rustling noise comes from behind the bushes.

Sometime later they come out from the bushes very ecstatic and the man statue says, "That was fun, Want to do it again?"

The woman statue replies, "Sure, but this time you hold the bird and I'll shit on his head." Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
Or the dyslexic pimp who opened a warehouse?
Or did ya hear the one about the agnostic, dyslexic who sat around all day wondering if there really is a dog?
Dyslexics of the world....UNTIE! Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was wucking fasted. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swuttocks. They were really forrible huckers, and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Sherry Hithole, and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge huttocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Miste all chucking frighty!" said Rindercella ,and she ran out tripping bass over uttocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swuttocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking funk. Betty Swuttocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a bick in the kalls. This was not difficul tas he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

They all hived lappily ever after. An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding the cow were hundreds of Indians in various stages of having sex in every imaginable position. Furious, he called the artist in.

"What the HELL is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow Look at All Those Fucking Indians.'" A man walks into a bar. "Gimme a double, before the shit hits the fan." A few minutes later, same thing. "Gimme a beer before the shit hits the fan." This goes on for an hour or so.

Finally the Bartender goes up to him and says, "Listen buddy, maybe you should pay before you get another drink."

"Oops, the shit just hit the fan." He replied. Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St.Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and gets in and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day." Have you ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?
Check your drivers license. A man was sunbathing nude on a beach and reading a newspaper. He saw a little girl walking towards him and immediately covered himself with the paper.

The girl came up and said, "Hey mister, whatcha got under the paper?" To which he replied, "Nothing kid, it's just my pet bird. Now go away."

Being curious, the girl then asked, "Can I please see your bird, mister?" "NO," snapped the man

Once again, she asked, "Please can't I just pet your bird? The man replied angrily, "NO, GO THE HELL AWAY!!!" The little girl walked away and the man fell asleep.

The next thing the man knows, he's waking up in a hospital bed and there's a doctor standing over him, laughing. The man demands to know where he is and why he is there. The doctor calls the little girl who witnessed the whole incident to come in and explain what had happened. Tearfully, the girl walks in and sits next to the man.

The man says, "Hey, you're the little brat from the beach. What's going on here?" To which the little girl replied, "I'm sorry mister. I know you told me not to look at or touch your bird, but after you fell asleep I did anyway."

"So, that doesn't explain why I'm here," replied the man who was getting angrier by the minute. "Well," the girl continued, "while I was petting it, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, crushed its eggs, and set its nest on fire." "I cannot go to school today"

"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet,my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more-that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My' pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a silver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There's a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is - What?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .......Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!" The traveling salesman's car broke down in the country and he knocked on the farmhouse door. When the farmer opened the door, the salesman said, "Sir, my car has broken down, and I was wondering if you might be able to put me up for the night?"

The farmer said, "Why, sure, but you will have to sleep with my son."

The salesman hesitated then said, "Excuse me, sir, but I think I'm in the wrong joke." There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?

Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?"

Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says,"Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a soundlike a frog?"Grandpa asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face,"Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!" A Southerner Moves Up North

Dec. 8 - 5:00 PM It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first snow we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.

Dec. 9 - We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it! I did both the driveway and the sidewalk. Later a city plow came by and accidentally covered up the driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

Dec. 10 - It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterward, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.

Dec. 11 - Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperatute dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway, $145.00 for a chiroprator, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Dec. 12 - Still cold. Sold the wifes car and bought a 4 X 4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did considerable damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had another 5 inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. The godamn snowplow came by twice today.

Dec 13 - Two degrees outside. More fuckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on the property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and damned near burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.

Dec. 14 - Godamn mother-fuckin' white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all of the clothers that I own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 MPH and buries our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

Dec. 15 - Six goddamn more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' ice and fuckin' sleet and who knows what other kind of white shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start, I think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -22 fuckin' degrees. SCREW THIS SHIT, I'm moving back to Georgia. Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers."Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer."Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." A white and a black man were sent to hell for sinful lives. When they got there, they stood in front of the devil and awaited punishment. The white man came forward first. The devil told him to drop his pants, and he did. Then the devil grabbed hold of his penis and it slowly and painfully melted away.

With the white man laying on the ground in pain the black man stepped forward. The devil told him to drop his pants, and, with a smirk on his face he did. Then the devil grabbed a hold of his penis... and nothing happened. The bewildered devil asked the man what was so funny.

The black man replied, "Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hands." Air Force "Squawks"

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough."
Solution: "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." OREO PSYCHO-PERSONALITY TEST

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities.

Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreo's:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10, I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.

Your Personality:
1. The whole thing
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit

4. Feverous Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked.
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you. To Whom It May Concern:

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at a time -- unless I install handrails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and wait your turn.

Thank You. Once there was this Indian chief named Chief Bowels. The neighbouring town wanted to build a golf course on his land, and this made the chief very angry, so he sends a messenger to the council office, which was in the same building as a doctor's office. The messenger goes in the wrong door, goes to the doctor and says, "Bowels not move". So the doctor gives him a pill.

The messenger takes the pill back to the chief. The next day, the messenger is back, and says , "Bowels still not move". So the doctor gives him a stronger pill.

The next day, same thing, the messenger comes back "Bowels STILL no move" So the doctor gives him the strongest pills he has.

The next day, the messenger comes back, and says "Bowels HAD to move. Tepee full of shit" The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town. Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.

A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?" Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale".

The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?" Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?" The old farmer popped out crying and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?" The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevels ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches." Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?
Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and get fucked.

When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

How is the card game Bridge and sex alike?
If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.

Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of the dog.

What have women and condoms got in common?
If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can get to sleep with a light on

How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender

What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog

What have a fat woman and a moped got in common?
They're both OK for a ride until your friends find out. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.

For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The lady demanded angrily " What took you so long?" and he replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area." Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..." MY FAVOURITE DRUGS
(Sung to My Favourite Things)

Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
These are a few of my favourite drugs.

Uppers and downers and methedine freakout
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
These are a few of my favourite drugs.

Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
Users of heroin, often called junkies
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
Takes them off one of my favourite drugs.

On a bad trip
When the cops come
When I lose my head
I simply take more of my favourite drugs
And then I'm not sad I'm dead! What's the fastest animal on earth?
A chicken running through Ethiopia!! A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy asked the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agreed to and he began to speed up. When the speedometer hit 100, she started to strip. When she got all her clothes off, he was so busy staring at her that he drove off the road and flipped the car. The girl was thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and her boyfriend were still trapped in the car.

"Go get help," he pleaded.

She replied, "I can't, I'm naked."

He pointed to his shoe that was thrown clear and said, "Cover your crotch with that shoe and go get help."

She grabbed the shoe, covered herself, and ran to the gas station down the road. When she arrived, she was frantic and yelled to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, "I'm sorry, Miss. He's too far in for me to help." "You don't know Jack Schitt"

The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can handle this situation with confidence!

Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Shitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt. So, now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree. An elderly man living with his Son and Daughter in law was starting to get in the way.

The Daughter in Law had finally had too much and confronted her husband. "Either he goes he goes or I go." After hours of argument her husband finally gave in and agreed to put his father in an old folks home. The old man was understandably unhappy but he perked up on his first morning in the home.

He awoke to find he had a huge erection. A nurse passing by his room noticed this and said "Oh well, it would be a shame to waste it," jumped in the bed and gave him the best sex he could remember.

Later that day while walking down a corridor he lost his footing and fell to his hands and knees. A large male orderly saw the incident and said "Oh well it would be a shame to waste it" climbed up behind him and screwed the arse out of him.

The next day the old man's son came to visit and the old man told him the story about the nurse and the orderly, to which the son replied "Well, you have to take the good with the bad Dad."

"Good with the bad" the old man shouted "good with the bad.... I get an erection once a year, I fall over four times a day!" "Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.

"No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other." A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my ass." Back to the main Jokes page