More Miscellaneous Jokes
Updated on 6/17/03



Employer Speak

Competitive Salary
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Some Overtime Required
Some time each night and some time each weekend

Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

Self-Motivated
Management won't answer questions

Casual Work Atmosphere
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Competitive Environment
We have a lot of turnover.

Some Public Relations Required
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it..

Duties Will Vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Career-Minded
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

Problem-Solving Skills a Must
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Good Communication Skills
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

Ability To Handle A Heavy Workload
You whine, you're fired.

Flexible Hours
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5. Applicant Speak

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:"
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE 0RGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:"
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.

"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:"
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO:"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"
I'm a college dropout.

"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:"
I've never been accused of sexual harassment.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"
Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career. A cowboy is riding on the plains. He comes across an Indian buck naked lying on his back with a huge erection.

Disgusted he asked "What in the hell are you doing?"

The Indians looked at the shadow of his dick and said "It's 1:00 p.m."

The cowboy rode on. Soon he ran into another Indian. He was lying on his back naked with a hugh erection. The cowboy again asked "What in the hell are you doing?"

The Indian looked at the shadow and said "It's now 2:30 p.m."

The cowboy rode on. Later he came upon third Indian. He was lying on his back buck naked whacking himself off.

The cowboy asked "Jesus Christ! What are you doing?"

The Indian replied "I'm winding my watch." What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Fuck!"
Bad Skydiver: "Fuck!!" "Whack!!" A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance...

Princess: My but you are really an ugly frog!
Frog: I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me.
Princess: Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you.
Frog: Look, I told you lady, it's a Really bad spell.
Princess: Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a Prince?
Frog: I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job. A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.

His grandson says, "Grandpa, can I try some of your cigarette?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says. "No," says the little boy.

"Then you're not big enough."

A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.

"No," says the little boy.

"Then you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy.

"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.

"Then go fuck yourself," says the boy, Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.

So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"

Again the answer is, "l got this in the war."

Fred moves.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."

His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. l can't get it off of my hand." A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.

He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music." When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his fucking guide dog bit me." A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared dishoveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded.

It was a yellow Titlist so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball.

The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?" and that was the last thing he could remember. An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas.

Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks" the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them, "One thing you must know before we proceed; Do not, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedalling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it, somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak:

"Tag!" An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "You betcha!"

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke." A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.

The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the Hell do you think?"

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Mueller is first.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.
Then comes Mueller himself.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"
"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."
"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"
"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back." Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up." Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs"

. "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", the judge asked the second boy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever."

"One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I said, "This small circle is your asshole before prison...." A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.

She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.

The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!

She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."

The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!" A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit.

In due time, he received an acknowledgement. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately." What do you get with a tent full of Iraqi women?
A complete set of teeth

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign Ambassador

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
B-52...F-16...B-2...F-117...B-1

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck

What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
Aeroflot has killed more people.

How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their Air Force.

Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
He elected to receive

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade.

Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert this Christmas (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source: your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal/gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat on Christmas Day, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses during the college bowl system.

Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running/jogging hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream. A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices the special of the day is cold chili.

When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili."

"I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress.

"Oh. I'll just have coffee, then."

After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other man replies, "No."

"Would you sell it to me?"

"You can have it for free if you want it." So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too." An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Taiwan Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along.

After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?"

The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo....... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.

And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese.. it doesn't matter, they're all alike."

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, "No like Jew."

The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

F.O. says, "Jews sink Titanic."

The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

The F.O. replies,"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah.. all same." Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.

The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?" A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test.

Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!" Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.

According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the going rate for rent.

Since we have only one "little person" living here it turns out that he won't have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything.

We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad. A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there.

She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".

The teacher leaned over and said quietly to little Mary, "We don't say that in school."

Little Mary looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!" A 7 year-old and his 4 year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7 year-old is explaining that it is about time that the two of them begin swearing.

When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4 year-old happily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast.

The 7 year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

The surprised mother reacts quickly and smacks his rear. WHACK! The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.

With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son,"And what would YOU like for breakfast?""I don't know," the 4 year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios! This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter for two cans of dog food.

"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.

"Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer.

"I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food."

Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled it on its leash all the way back to the store.

"Here's my dog!" wheezed the tired customer.

"Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food."

Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to the same clerk and says:

"Two cans of cat food please."

"Do you have a cat sir?"

"Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer.

"I'm sorry sir, but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat food."

The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to see.

"Thank you sir, here is your two cans of cat food."

The very next day. The guy returns to the store, approaches the clerk and places on the counter a white shoebox with a small hole on the cover.

"Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?"

"Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer.

"I beg your pardon?" said the clerk.

"Do as I say!" ordered the guy.

Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole.

"Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy.

Said the disgusted clerk, ""It looks like ..." To which the customer replied "THAT'S RIGHT!!, Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!" Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied:"If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual request.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!" The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!" A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?" A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two meters tall!" ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

SICKNESS:
No excuses. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

DEATH:
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your own:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,

THE MANAGEMENT A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work." A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his dick. He walks up to the barman. The barman looks at him and says, "Hey, did you know you've got a steering wheel on your dick?", and the man repies, "Yeah, it's driving me nuts". Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved then. but he always had a very embarassing and somewhat lively reaction to them. Then, one day, he met a girl and fell in love with her. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she is a sweet and gentle girl and will never go for this kind of carrying on. So, he made the supreme sacrafice and gave up the beans. The were married thereafter. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the country, he called her and told her that he would be late getting home because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any effects before reaching home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving, he had eaten three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, he put-putted and after arriving, felt reasonably sure that he had putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed: Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight. She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow that he would not touch the blindfold until she returned. Then she went to answer the phone.

Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air around him. Things had just about returned to normal, when he felt the urge come on again, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true prize winner. While keeping his ear on the phone, he went on like this for 10 minutes, until he knew the phone farewell indicated the end of his freedom. He placed the napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it and smiling contently to himself was the perfect picture on innocence. When his wife returned she asked if he had peeked and he said no. At that point, she removed the blindfold and revealed his surprise:

Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a birthday party for him. Two sorority sisters ran into each other several years after graduation.

The first one said: "For my first wedding anniversary my husband gave me a 2 carat diamond ring." The Second repied: "That's nice, that's very, very nice."

The first one said: After my second wedding anniversary my husband gave me a brand new Eldorado Cadillac, fully loaded. The second one said: "That's nice, that's very, very nice."

The first one said: After my third wedding anniversary my husband gave me a full length, sable coat. The second one said: "That's nice, that's very, very nice."

The first one asked, "Well, what did your husband give you for your wedding anniversary?" The second one replied, "He sent me to Charm School where they taught me to say, "That's nice, that's very, very nice instead of 'Fuck you bitch!'" A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons." How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say fuck?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's wrinkled and hangs out your underwear?
Your mother

You may possibly have heard about the male student who was arrested for mooning through a closed dormitory window. The charge was being an ass in the pane.

They just found one more Heaven's Gate member. He was hiding under the kitchen sink behind the Comet.

What has 4 legs and an arm? A happy Pit Bull!

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm.

The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied "Wagon Wheel".

The teacher said... "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really".

The teacher...in a huff..said.. "Alright young man...march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!!!!"

The boy got out of his chair...turned to his sister and said.. "Come on, Chicken Shit....he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither!" A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the strangers hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.

Of course he was soon arrested for rustling... A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole." Three men all suffer an untimely death on the very same day. They all wind up in purgatory and each has a sneaking suspicion that they will unfortunately end up in Hell for their various evil deeds committed on Earth. As this thought occurs to each of them, Satan suddenly appears before the three men. Much to their delight, Satan offers each of them one final chance to escape a tortuous eternity in the firey bowels of Hell. Satan says to them, "Gentlemen, you will be granted escape from Hell and returned to Earth if you successfully complete the task I request from you.".

Eagerly, the three men question exactly what it is that they must do in order to return to Earth. Satan tells them, "You must select a fruit of your choice and cram it up your ass without laughing. If you do this you will be granted your freedom to return to Earth.". The three figure that this sounds reasonable enough. The first man selects a peach. While he is positioning himself to start inserting the fruit he begin to snicker because the fuzz on it tickles his bottom. POOF! Before he knows it, he is in Hell. As he looks around his new environment, POOF! the second man appears next to him. The first man asks which fruit he selected that made him laugh and landed him in Hell. The second man replies, "I chose a cherry.". The first man, puzzled how such a small fruit could possibly cause him to laugh, asked him what went wrong. To this, the second man replies, "I was getting along quite well with it right up until I made the mistake of looking at the last man holding a watermelon.". A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school. He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade. "I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler." The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of negotiations, Her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining"ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru. Back to the main Jokes page