More Lists!!!
Updated on 1/13/04



The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole.
Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggest that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day:

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
ADULT BUMPER STICKERS

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
And just how may I fuck you over today?
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. So, why should I leave my house?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
Okay, okay, I take it back! UN-Fuck you!
You look like shit. Is that the style now?
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out all I wanted was paychecks.
YOU KNOW YOUR HAVING A BAD DAY WHEN.....

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
You put both contacts into the same eye.
Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
You're so lonely that you invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.

And remember .......when you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS:

The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Evening Massage - 6 PM

The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self' Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Reverend Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy."

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement noon Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs.Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The 1996 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine.

Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
BABYBOOMERS THEN AND NOW

THEN: Killer Weed
NOW: Weed Killer

THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine
NOW: Being caught by Hustler magazine

THEN: Hoping for a BMW
NOW: Hoping for a BM ("bowel movement")

THEN: Getting out to a new, hip joint
NOW: Getting a new hip joint

THEN: Moving to California because it's cool
NOW: Moving to California because it's warm

THEN: Being called into the principal's office
NOW: Storming into the principal's office

THEN: Peace Sign
NOW: Mercedes Logo

THEN: Getting your head stoned
NOW: Getting your headstone

THEN: "The Making of the President"
NOW: The making of the President

THEN: Long hair
NOW: Longing for hair

THEN: Worrying about no one coming to your party
NOW: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

THEN: President Johnson
NOW: The President's johnson

THEN: Elvis in the army
NOW: Elvis in a UFO

THEN: Swallowing acid
NOW: Swallowing antacid

THEN: You're growing pot
NOW: Your growing pot

THEN: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
NOW: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

THEN: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
NOW: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

THEN: Seeds and stems
NOW: Roughage

THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints
NOW: Popping joints

THEN: Our president's struggle with Fidel
NOW: Our president's struggle with fidelity
STATE MOTTOS

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, Maybe Not.
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Poker!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
"The Official List of Pussy"
1) Expensive Pussy: Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category.

Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great. Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion.

Often not worth it.

2) Cheap Pussy: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off.

Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.

Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it.

Often not worth it.

3) Hired Pussy: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.

Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.

Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high.

Often not worth it.

4) Virgin Pussy: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.

Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained.

Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using birth control which can cause "accidents", can only be used once.

Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.

5) Nympho Pussy: Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.

Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.

Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship.

Often not worth it.

6) Frigid Pussy: Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this Pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).

Advantages: There are no advantages.

Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized.

Never worth it.

7) Innocent Nympho Pussy: Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.

Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.

Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.

8) Party Pussy: Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.

Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.

Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you.

Often not worth it.

9) Nutsy Pussy: Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason.. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.

Advantages: Easy.

Disadvantages: Never really worth it
Famous Marketing Screw Ups

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

6. Say, 'Hmmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy? Don't fall asleep on me."

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

21. Say, "CORN??? When did I eat corn?"

22. Shout "WHOOO-EEE, That's gonna leave a mark!"
The science of categorizing shit has been thouroughly investigated and developed over the year by our shit specialists. Some said you are what you shit. This saying is true because the kind of food you eat really does affect the nature of your shit and your shitting habits. The following is the breakdown types of shits.

Ghost Shit -- That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.

Clean Shit -- The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Shit -- The kind where you wipe your but 50 times and it still feels unwiped. So you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with brown stain.

Second Wave Shit -- It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.

Brain-Hemorrhage Through-Your-Nose-Shit or the Pop-A-Vein-In- Your-Forehead Shit -- The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.

Richard Simmons Shit -- The kind where you shit so much that you lose 30 pounds.

Corn Shit -- Self-explanatory.

Lincoln Log Shit -- The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush.

Drinker's Shit -- That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the treadmarks left on the bottom of the toilet.

"Gee, I Wish I Could Shit" Shit -- It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Shit -- That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Shit or the Power Dump -- That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that you butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

Liquid Shit -- That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender anus.

Mexican Food Shit -- A class all its own!!
TRUTHS LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED ABOUT LIFE

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8. Dogs still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
9. Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
10. School lunches stick to the wall.
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
13. The best place to be when you're sad is in Grandma's lap.
14. Moms get mad when you cut your own bangs.
15. Moms get even madder when you let your friend cut your bangs.
16. Never put chewed gum in your pocket without a wrapper.
17. Putting crayons in the microwave or the clothes dryer is a no-no.
18. Never, EVER get caught playing with the toys in mom's and dad's nightstand.
19. It's not a good idea to shine the bathroom floor with Vaseline.
20. You can never put toothpaste back in the tube.
THINGS TO PONDER

A bus station is where a bus stops. A Train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would it be called FedUp?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead?"

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your naked body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Don't sweat petty things - or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Money can't buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just have film.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I used to have an open mind but I kept losing my brain.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Used only once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. No one was there.

If a bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out?

I once found a throw rug in a catch basin.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

We have mileage, yardage and footage. Why don't we have inchage?

Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?

A tree: first you chop it down, then you chop it up.

Once, at school, I received a dressing down for not dressing up.

"No comment" is a comment.

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

What is the plural of "a hell of a guy"? "Hells of guys"?

Why do we say "redheaded" but "brownhaired"?

Environmentalists changed the word "jungle" to "rain forest," because no one would give them money to save a jungle.

Same with swamps and wetlands.

I'm not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.

I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.

I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn't sound like there's a whole lot to do in a place like that.

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

How can "crash course" and "collision course" have two different meanings?

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem

3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

Diplomacy - The art of letting someone have your way.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

I intend to live forever...So far, so good.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

24 hours in day....24 beers in a case.... Coincidence?

I don't suffer from insanity...I enjoy every minute of it!

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Here's some bumper stickers to think about next time you're on the highway........

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot!

I brake for no apparent reason

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

He who laughs last thinks slowest

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Few women admit their age, Few men act it!

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Learn from your parents mistakes...Use birth control

Forget about world peace...Visualize using your turn signal

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got

Never play leap frog with a unicorn

Those who live by the sword are shot by those who don't

Will Rogers never met a lawyer

Welcome to Texas, now go home

UFO's are real...The Air Force doesn't exist

So many pedestrians, so little time

Marriage is probably the main cause of divorce

Talk is cheap...Until you hire a lawyer

Thank God for taxes...Without them, I'd be stinking rich!

43% of all statistics are useless

Guns don't kill people, I do!
Taken from Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone."

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?', you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."

"If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is 'Can't you make it shoot farther?'
'No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.'"

"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did.'"

"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic."

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other."

"I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."

"Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions,' and if you got a different 'impression,' so what, can't we all be brothers?"

"Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."

"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway."

"I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him."

"Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words: 'mank' and 'ind.' "What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind."

"If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."

"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."

"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way."

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching."

"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."

"What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep."

"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window."

"During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.'"

"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."

"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was and why he had deer horns."

"I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint."

"Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy."

"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door."

"If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine."

"Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?"

"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."

"One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is: Don't run with a wooden stake."

"If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not."

"Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, 'Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that.'"

"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff."

"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar for freshness?"

"I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary."

"If I was the head of a country that lost a war and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. 'Wait a minute! I thought we won!'"

"Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname 'Fly Head.' Normally you would think that 'Fly Head' would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean 'having a head like a fly'? I'm afraid some people might actually think that."

"Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared."

"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'"

"If you see an animal and you can't tell it it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: 'Black and white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella.'"

"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back."

"I think a good product would be 'Baby Duck Hat.' It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties."

"If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.'"

"The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. 'Uh-oh,' he thought. 'This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.'"
Rejected Dr. Seuss books:

1. The Cat in the Blender

2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

3. Fox in Detox

4. Who Shat in the Hat?

5. Horton Hires a Ho

6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax

7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?

9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil

10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch

11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F**k Out!

12. Are You My Proctologist?

13. Yentl the Lentil

14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket

15. Aunts in My Pants

16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!

17. Horton Fakes an The Big O

18. The Grinch's Ten Inches
Little Known Rap Groups

Cheezy D Special K Tone Def and MC Huh Mad D
Beat Master Fred Mac Nugget and DJ Honey Lazy Laze
DJ Coma Sir Spank-a-lot and Clean-X Woody Wood and the Totem Poles
MC Curley Pube King Crab and DJ Venerial
MC Play Doh and Mad Q Tye D Bol
Kandy Kane Q-Tip and DJ Hot Wax
MC Eye and the Long Distance Posse
DJ Yellow Snow Mac Boo & DJ Daisy Stinky G on the Blue Bowl Tip Scrotes With Mac Daddy Nad
Luck E Charm and the Cocoa Puff
DJ Dingle Bean Bag Bertha and Dr. Blob
Top 10 Children's Books *Not* recommended by the National Library Assoc.

10. Bob the Germ's Wonderous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.
9. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civillians.
8. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge.
7. Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures.
6. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The 'Hood'.
5. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
4. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
3. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
2. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides.
1. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
FUCK YOU

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
  1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
  2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
  3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
  4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
  5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
  6. Disgust "Fuck me."
  7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
  8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
  9. Despair "Fucked again..."
  10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
  11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
  12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
  13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
  14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
  15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
  16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
  17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
  18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
  19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
  20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
  21. Directions "Fuck off."
  22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the North Dakota Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Things not to say to a cop when you get pulled over

No, YOU assume the position.
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110mph.
Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick 1
I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
On the way to the station let's get a six pack, oh don't forget the cig's
You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
So thats what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean!!
What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
That uniform makes your ass look really big.
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?
"Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence."
"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalizer test, now stick THIS in your mouth and blow"
Did you happen to attend the "Barney Fife" Police Academy?
Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
Gee,officer, That's terrific; The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
"Aren't you the guy from the village people"
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.
What do you mean have I been drinking? You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, man, you want a hit?
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements submitted to the police on report forms. (Or at least they claim to be ACTUAL statements. You be the judge.) The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words.

Woman Driver(WD): Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't know.

Man Driver (MD): I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

WD: The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.

MD: In any attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

MD: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

MD: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

WD: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

WD: I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

MD: The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

WD: To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

WD: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

MD: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.

MD: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

MD: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

MD: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

WD: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

MD: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had fractured my skull.

WD: I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.
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