More SEX Jokes
Updated on 6/17/03



30 Things NOT To Say To A Naked Woman

1 Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.
2 How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!?
3 You must be very experienced.
4 Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?
5 Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.
6 I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.
7 Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt.
8 Would you mind rolling around in this flour.
9 I heard carpenters dream about you.
10 So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
11 Look.. I can get my whole arm in.
12 It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
13 Is that an optical illusion?
14 If I look right at it I feel like I'm falling in.
15 Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
16 Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?
17 Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?
18 I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
19 Have you ever thought of working in a side-show?
20 I've been wondering all night what that smell was.
21 Maybe if I get really wasted I won't mind your body.
22 You know they have surgery to fix that.
23 Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
24 Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away
25 Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.
26 I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.
27 You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
28 You're not 'that' fat.
29 I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.
30 Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does. There was a group of people sitting around talking general kind of stuff, when the talk got around to bee stings. It was stated that if you get a bee sting that if you put buttermilk on it it will take the sting out.

The group departed and one gentleman on his way home had a flat tire. While just finishing changing the tire he was stung on his private part.

Being in pain he ran to the first house he saw and asked the lady if she had any buttermilk. She said yes. He said he would gladly pay for a glass.She went and got the glass for the gentleman. He being in the pain he was in whipped out his private painful part and put in the buttermilk.

The lady then declared, In all my 94 years this is the first time I have ever seen it reloaded. Running Bear woke up one morning to discover that he was a man. As such, he deduced, he would require a woman. So he trekked on over to the Medicine Man's teepee to requisition a woman.

"What you want, Running Bear?" queried the Medicine Man.

"Running Bear want woman!"

"Hmmm," said the Medicine Man, "do you know what to do with a woman once you've got her?"

"Uh," said Running Bear, "no..."

"Then go into the woods for two months. Find a tree with a hole in it, and practice on the tree. Once you have perfected your technique with the tree, come back to me and I will give you a woman."

Running Bear agreed, and set off into the woods. Sure enough, he found a tree with the appropriately sized hole, and began his two months of practice.

Two months later, he returned to the Medicine Man with pride in his eyes.

"Okay," he said to the Medicine Man, "me know what to do. Give me woman."

The Medicine Man nodded and brought a pretty young squaw from the back of the teepee.

"Little Flower," he said to her, "you now belong to Running Bear. Do as he asks."

Running Bear and Little Flower then retire to a vacant teepee where Running Bear instructs her to bend over. She shrugs and complies. Running Bear then gives her a swift kick in the ass.

"Hey!" cried Little Flower. "What did you do that for?"

"Me no stupid," explained Running Bear, "Me check for bees first." Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right, 3 times..."

"3, hmmm, well when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you... Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well...."

"Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, , you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation.... And you were 47 votes short...." A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

"Sir", she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust". She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too." Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

"Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go...

I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and sliped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel of the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."

The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones." A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry" A couple, aged 67 and 65, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00. We do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office." Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Granny found handcuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style." Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this."

With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment." A married couple sleepily awoke one Saturday morning.

The wife rolled over and inquired, "Are you going to mow the lawns today?"

The husband replied, "Who do I look like - Jim's Mowing?"

Not being quick to give up, she continued, "How about mending the TV aerial then?"

"Who do I look like The Antenna Man?" he sarcastically replied again.

She sighed, and he got up and went off to his golf game. When he returned home, the antenna was fixed and the lawn mowed.

"Who the hell did this?" the husband asked, flabbergasted.

"The Antenna Man and Jim's Mowing" the wife replied, smiling smugly.

"How did you afford it?" the husband inquired, becoming nervous.

"Well, they said I could either bake them each a pie or give them a blow-job." said the wife.

"So what sort of pies did you bake?" the husband continued, a little more relieved. The wife replied, "Who do I look like - Sara Lee?" A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"

"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!" A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment.

He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means.

He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores." A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...' A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.

Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

Whoa! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?"

She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"Very interesting" the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name." The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto.............................. Tonto Goldstein." A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's anyway." How To Respond To Pickup Lines...

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter."
(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter" (or) "Stop."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane ?"

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy"
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?" 101 Easy Ways to Say No

I'd love to, but...

1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 The President said he might drop in.
5 The man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 There's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 My crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 My patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 The grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 My plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 It's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 My subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 The last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 None of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 There are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 My bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 You know how we psychos are.
78 My favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 My uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 Having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 My palm reader advised against it.
95 My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name]
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.
The Dr. Seuss Purity Test

Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?

Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?

Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?

you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?

Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?

Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?

Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?

Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?

Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog?
you done it on a log?

Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style?
Have you done it in a pile?

Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare?
Have you done it everywhere? The Battle of the Bobbits "sung to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies"

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis that is
Clean cut
Missed his nuts

Well, the next thing you know, theres a ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend...
Tossed him out the window as she drove around the bend.

Curve that is.
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get the weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
to John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found that is.
By a fence.
Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
So a dick doc said "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
"A needle and some thread is all were gonna need"
And the whole world waited til they heard that Johnny.

Whizzed that is.
Staight stream.
Even seam.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and aquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

Video that is.
Unexposed.
Case closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, 'ya hear! A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making.

Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.

Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.

Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."

At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!" Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama." At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.....you're great Morris"

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?" Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, then turned the gun on himself."

"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"

"Well," said Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now." A man's wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed.

He went into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. I mean she was a knock out. She looked a lot like Karyn, she was tall, radiant, and very funny. Well, so they had a couple of beers, one thing lead to another and before too long, they ended up in her apartment. I mean how could he resist such a women.

They had the most incredible, most sensual sexual experience. It was amazing. After they'd had made love for hours, the man realized it was 3:AM and said, "Oh no,,,,,its so late, my wife's going to kill me!! Have you got any talcum powder?"

She thought to herself, talcum powder, what does he want with that? But she gave him some anyway, which he proceeded to rub on his hands and then he went home.

When he got home, his wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and boy was she ever mad.

"Where the hell have you been?" she yelled at him.

"Well, honey, its like this. Honey, you know I love you, I can't lie to you. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to get you cigarettes out of the vending machine. While I was there, I met this most amazing women. She was so beautiful and well we had a few drinks, and then one thing led to another and I ended going back to her place, and honey, I'm sorry... I've been unfaithful to you. I went to bed with another women"

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" exclaimed his wife. She saw his hands covered with talcum powder and and said,

"You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!" Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear... a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Jewelry dear. A 60-year-old man walked into a drugstore and asked the girl at the checkout, "Do you have condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I'm not really sure."

"Well, just let me check," she said, walking around the counter. She unzipped his pants, took a feel and then picked up the microphone. "Extra-large condoms to the checkout. Extra-large condoms to the checkout." A stockboy brought the condoms and the man paid and left.

A while later, a 30-year-old man walked up to the checkout. "Do you sell condoms here?" he asked.

"Sure, but what size do you need?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Well, just let me check." She unzipped his pants, took a couple of tugs and then picked up the microphone, "Large condoms to the checkout. Large condoms to the checkout." The stockboy brought the condoms, the man paid and left.

Later, a 16-year-old came into the store. "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?" he asked the girl at the checkout.

"Yep," she said, "what size do you need?"

"I don't know," he replied.

She unzipped his zipper for a feel and then picked up the microphone. "Cleanup at the checkout, please. Cleanup at the checkout." A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker, and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat, looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25." Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of the reservation they were on, she asked why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.

She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather."

She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "UGH, Me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws."

Still not convinced that the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws involved, she decided to interview the chief. Now the chief headdress was full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.

She asked the chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief, Me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, me fuck-em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated. "You ought to be hung." The Chief replied. "You damned right me hung......Big like Buffalo, long like Snake." Ms Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamn hostile! The Chief replied, "Hoss'style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!"

Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "OH DEAR."

The Chief said, "No Deer.....me no fuck deer.....Asshole too high, and fuckers run too fast. No fuck deer." Barbara Walters is interviewing Neil Armstrong and she asks him "Neil, when you said 'One small step for man - one giant leap for mankind', was it extemporaneous or has you planned it ahead of time?" Neil responds, "It's funny you ask because that isn't what I really said. What I actually said was 'One small step for man - one giant leap for Murray Klein." A startled Barbara says, "That's amazing. But who is Murray Klein?" Neil smiles and answers, "Well, he's actually a guy I grew up with. We became very good friends and I was even a member of his wedding party. He once told me that ever time he asked his wife, Rachel, for a blow job, she would always sneer and reply, 'Yeah, sure Murray, you can stick that thing in my mouth the day a man walks on the moon...'" Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him." The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said,

"She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You', and I holler back, 'Fuck You too.'" An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked...and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman" he says, "but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo...I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband, I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumsized and uncircumsized, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the perfect penis."
Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine."
She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't."
He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented...and the one on the top was the perfect pussy."
She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?"
He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree." What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year- old man thinks often about dating them.

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.

What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

What is the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's Cock

A midget sidles up to a tall blonde and says, "Hey, what do you say to a little fuck?"
She says, "Hello, you little fuck."

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.

How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

A woman walks into into a sex shop and says that she wants to buy a vibrator. The assistant says (waggling her index finger) "Come this way" to which the woman replies "If I could come that way I wouldn't need a vibrator!"

Charlie marries a virgin, and it's their wedding night. He's on fire. He gets naked, jumps into bed, and then starts groping her as soon as she climbs in. She says, "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." He sits up, folds hands on his lap, and says, "Is that better?"
She says, "Much better." He says, "Okay. Now will you please pass the pussy."

A man and woman had not had sex for a long time. The man simply stated that he was 'too tired from work.'Well, one night, the woman couldn't stand it any longer and when the man came home, she led him to the bedroom, took off her clothes and said, "Make me feel like a woman!" So he took off his clothes, threw them on the floor and said, "Wash these!"

Who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman?
The woman, of course. Look at it this way.
When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, what feels better -your finger or your ear?

What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
Spits out the feathers.

When it comes to sexual receptivity, we doubt there's any competition for the girl who picks up CB transmissions on her IUD.

The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you done?"
The three words women hate to hear when having sex..."Honey, I'm home!"

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow

What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men usually miss them

What do men and tile floors have in common?
If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.

HIM: "Why can't I tell when you have an orgasm?"
HER: "Because you're never home when it happens."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436." Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - That was me!!!" Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him -

"Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -

"Howard. You're a veterinarian." Back to the main Jokes page