Political and Clinton Jokes
Updated on 6/17/03



Monica Lewinsky will market a super premium cigar this winter. While most super premium cigars are soaked in brandy, whiskey or cognac; Monica will soak hers in cider The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard with a burst of flames, and with his chest out Carter steps bravely aside.

"WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well..,Well.., I need a brain."

"Done" says the Wizard, spewing smoke, and Reagan moves over to join Carter, nodding with sudden understanding.

"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard, with a rumble of thunder. "Consider it done."

And Bush, smiling, joins the other two.

Then there is a great silence.

Bill Clinton is just standing there looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"

"Is Dorothy around?" President Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited a fourth grade class, they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.,"

"I'm afraid not," explains the President. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally. a boy in the back raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr & Mrs Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens that would be a tragedy!"

"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton. "That's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss." Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.

About on hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Bill.

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Clinton.

The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig." President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President.

"Its this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies.

"Just go ahead and pay it." responds The President. Clinton's nickname in the US is "Slick Willy." As it turns out, they have names for him all over the world. For example:

Japan - "Throbzilla"
Poland - "Go-inski Lewinsky"
Denmark - "Gropen-hagen"
Afghanistan - "Afghani-Stain"
China - "Mao Tse Tongue"
France - "Bone Appetit"
Italy - "The Rodfather"
Nepal - "Him-A-Lay-Her"
Zaire - "Ubangi Anything That Moves Moses is up in Heaven and is watching all this Bill Clinton stuff on one of Heaven's TV's.

Needless to say, he is pretty disturbed by all these sexual things being played out in the Oval Office, So he goes up to God and asks, "God, I've been watching all that has been going on with Bill Clinton down on Earth and frankly I'm pretty upset about it. Is there anyway you could add an 11th commandment to try to curb all this activity?"

God says to Moses, "Well, that isn't a bad idea. Come back tomorrow morning and let me think about it tonight."

So, Moses leaves and God begins to ponder whether he should add an 11th commandment and if so, what it would be.

Moses comes back the next morning and asks God, "Well God, did you decide to come up with a new commandment?"

"Yes," God says, "How about this one: Do not show thy rod to thy staff." Ted Kennedy approached President Clinton after hearing his recent address to the nation and said, "Mr. President, I just want you to know that if there's anything I can do to help, anything at all, just ask."

Clinton replied, "Could you drive Monica home?" Monica Lewinsky's Lawyer, handing a picture of her to Bill Clinton asks: "Mr. President, do you recognize this woman?"

Bill Clinton: "I think I've come across her face a couple of times." As many of you know, since Clinton's acquittal, it has been announced Monica Lewinsky is writing a "tell-all" book to vindicate herself and hopefully clean up her image so she can find a husband.

Linda Tripp, it has also been announced, is writing a book claiming she only wanted to help Monica because she felt motherly instincts towards her. -- Yeah Right, like a mother spider who eats her young.

Anyway, here are a few suggestions for Monica's new book title:

* Me and My Big Mouth
* What Really Goes Down In The White House
* You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
* How I Blew It In Washington
* Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
* Going Back for Gore
* Secret Services to the President
* Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
* The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
* She's Chief of MY Staff!
* Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
* Going Down and Moving Up
* Members of the Presidential Cabinet
* How To Get A head in Business
* I Wore What You Did Last Summer THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

CLASSIC VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's."

Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 p.m. when there are no talk shows scheduled.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America. Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot." First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to pput up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.

She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?" President Clinton's Deposition
by Dr. Seuss

Starr-I-Are.
I'm here to ask,
As you'll soon see...
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there...
I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far...
I did not do that
Starr-you-are!

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
The girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-you-are...
I think that you
Have gone too far!
I will not answer
Any more...
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!
The public's easy
To distract
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq! The Bill Clinton version: "My Favorite Things" (From "The Sound of Music")

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad

Buying elections with money from China,
Putting my hands on Lewinski's vagina,
Selling our secrets so Wong never sings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Taking my family and friends on vacation,
Disguised as state visits from nation to nation,
Great photo ops of the wall and Beijeng's,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the tapes run,
When I'm Tripped up,
And I'm feeling sad.
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad. Federal Bureau of Investigation
Crime Lab 2A-3356N, Wash DC

DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson

Dear Mr. Starr:

The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.

Sorry,

The FBI During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?" One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives.

Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world.

"That may be true", said Sleeping Beauty, " but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world".

Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women.

After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth.

First, Hercules went into Guru's cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: "It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!"

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: "Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???" A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her the car radio was voice-activated, and she would only need to state aloud the type of music she wanted and the car would find it.

She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song.

She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock n roll;" the radio station changed and a song by Van Halen came from the speakers.

Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed "Asshole !" ....... the radio cut over to Bill Clinton's press conference. Clinton is preparing to hire a new intern. He calls her into the Oval Office for an interview and tells her he wants to show her his clock. He unzips his pants, pulls out his penis. She says, "Hey, thats not a clock!" He says it will be when you put your two hands and face on it! Bill Clinton is my sheperd, I shall not want. He leadeth me by still factories and abandoned farms. He restoreth my doubt about the Democratic party. He anointeth my wages with taxes and inflation, so my expenses runneth over my income. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow the Democratic party, and I shall live in a rented house forever. Five thousand years ago, Moses said, "Pack up your camel, pick up your shovel, move your ass, and I will lead you to the promised land." Five thousand years later, Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up a camel, this is the promised land." This year, Bill Clinton will take your shovel, tax your Camel, kick your ass, and tell you he gave away the promised land! It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do for the rest of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever is first to correctly answer the questions I ask can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and can answer the question fast".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go".

Johnny was MAD.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go".

Johnny was even MADDER than before. Then the teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could answer, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go".

Johnny was BOILING MAD.

When the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?" As you know, President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and Chelsea went to Utah on vacation. What you may not know is, that besides Socks the Cat and Buddy the dog, President Clinton also has a pet parrot with brillaint green feathers and a red crest he is very fond of. So fond of it, that he left it in the care of an intern, with strict instructions to care for his parrot very, very carefully. Well, the day before the Clintons were to return, the intern went to the cage and the parrot was dead!!! The intern freaked! He ran out of the White House and down the street to the nearest pet store, and to his joy, there in the window was a beautiful parrot with brilliant green feathers and a red crest. The intern ran in and slapped down his visa card and said he'd take it. As the pet shop owner boxed the parrot, the intern babbled in his relief that this parrot was a replacement for President Clinton's. The owner shook his head. "Then you don't want this one. It used to live in a whorehouse and it has a dreadful vocabulary."

"I don't care!" screamed the intern, "just box it up!" And he ran out with the replacement parrot.

That evening, the Clinton's returned home, and the intern waited in trepidation. Chelsea walked in, the parrot looked at her, shook his head, and said: "Too young." Hilary came in next, and the parrot looked at her, shook his head, and said: "Too old." Then the president came in and the parrot perked up and said: "Hi Bill!" Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on the Titanic. When they got the word that it was going down, Carter yelled, "let's get ourselves, the women and children into the life boats."
Nixon said,"Fuck the women!"
Clinton responded, "Do we have time?" The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about what a penis is called in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth Clinton dies and he goes to hell. Satan meets him there and says, "Bill we have to find a spot for you for all of eternity." So Satan takes Bill down a hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Bill Gates being burned at the stake.

"No," Bill balks, "I can't do that for all eternity."

"Fair enough," replies Satan.

Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second door. Inside is Rush Limbaugh being pulled apart on The Rack. "No," Bill again balks. "I can't do that for all of eternity, either."

Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him a blowjob. and Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me." Satan walks into the room and kicks Monica and shouts, "Get up Monica, Your replacement's here. Did you hear about the interview with Jennifer Flowers?
She was asked if her relationship with Clinton was comparable to Lewinsky's relationship with Clinton.
Jennifer replied "Close, but no cigar..."

What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"

What were Clinton's fist words to Paula Jones at the deposition?
"So now you open your mouth!"

Do you know why Clinton doesn`t play his saxophone anymore?
Cause he is playing with his whoreMonica.

Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
They were both upset when Bill finished first.

What did they find in Monica Lewinsky's jeans?
A wad of Bill's

How is Bill Clinton like JFK?
Both of their careers ended with a stained dress

Did you hear the FBI announced that the DNA test on the dress were inconclusive.......
They have called in an expert, Jennifer Flowers is going to do a taste test! Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Here is an interesting one........
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by southerners.
Both were succeeded by southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in1939.
Both assassins were known by three names.
Both names contain fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And last but not least..........
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe. Back to the main Jokes page