Men, Women and Relationships
Updated on 6/17/03



Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all!

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect." There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, 50 years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well", Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlesly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were 50 years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!" How To Satisfy A Woman Every Time

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How To Satisfy A Man Every Time

Show up naked with food. A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. "

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubs it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?" What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
Your wife will blow your bonus

How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
Call her and tell her where you are. New Phrases Men Wish Their Wives Would Say

1. Of course I'll swallow it all...I love the taste!
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored...let's shave my pussy.
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a GREAT fart! Do another!
6. I have decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you are hung over!
8. I would rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so that you can check out women's asses!
12. I will be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey? Our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again...come see!
15. I know it's tighter back there, but will you PLEASE try again?
16. No, no...I'll take the car in for an oil change.
17. Your mother is way better than mine!
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing & buy yourself some new clubs!
19. I understand fully; our anniversary comes every year, for Christ's sake! You go hunting with the guys. It's a great stress reliever!
20. What do you say we get a good porno movie, a 6-pack of Bud, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome?
21. No, not the fucking mall again! Let's try that new tittie bar instead!
22. Listen...I make enough money for us both. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8?
23. Honey, you need your sleep...stop getting up for night feedings!
24. God, if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to bust!
25. I signed up for yoga classes so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you.
26. Let's just skip the foreplay and romance, and get right down to fucking!
27. I am on my period, so why don't you let me blow you? Better yet, go ahead and screw the secretary! If "Dear Abby" Were A Man...

Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- And it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, cooking him a nice meal and not mentioning his behavior.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should -- he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, cooking a nice meal and not mentioning this behavior.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal. This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied A young bride to be nervously asks her mother how to make her husband happy. "Dont worry dear" counsels the mother. "just love, honor, and respect your husband, the sex will take care of itself."

"Mom," says the girl, "I know how to fuck...I want you to tell me how to make lasagna!" How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car crash?
Some dick cut her off.

Did you hear about the female sex suppressant?
It's called wedding cake

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

Why did God make man first?
He didn't want to have a woman looking over his shoulder. HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. opens window
3. asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. finally rolls down window
5. hocks a loogie
6. pulls up to a 7-11
7. gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. farts
11. after he closes the door.
12. laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. almost hits a deer
15. curses the night
16. curses you
17. curses the large slurpee
18. stops by the side of the road
19 takes a leak
20. still taking a leak.
21. almost done
22. I think.
23. returns to car
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. yells at you for suggesting the map again
26. admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. finally found a dictionary
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. seethes at the memory of it all
34. But she is laughing inside...
35. And of course you're still lost. A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it's my Mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."

The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?" At the 1999 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye." Why are men like public toilets?
Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of shit.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch

What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.

What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
It's Braille for "suck here," A guy is in on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots. He can't wait to show his new boots to his wife. He returned from his trip late the next evening, his wife was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He quickly strips down naked except for his new snakeskin boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her.

As the wife emerges from the bathroom her husband asks, "Well honey, do you notice anything special?" The wife replies, "yeah, it's limp !"

"It's not limp !" exclaims the husband. "It's admiring my new snakeskin boots!"

"Next time buy a hat." Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any. Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!" Things Women Should Never Say To Men

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache. A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.

He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reaches under the bed and retrieves the bowl. The bowl is full of butter. IN PRAISE OF OLDER WOMEN

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets ... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.

An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a striptease.

Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

An older woman has lots of girlfriends ... and most of them will want to screw you too.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file. The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line." A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive! She lives for ten more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!" All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.

Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts.

This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.

After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man.

In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats."

A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..."Mr. President." "So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!" An elderly couple got ready for bed. He got into the bed. She slipped into the bathroom and put on her sexiest little satin robe. She threw open the bathroom door, came out, threw open her robe, and yelled, "Super Pussy!"

He said, "I'll have the soup." A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream.

"I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

Husband wants revenge, so next morning tells his wife about his last night's dream. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

Wife: "What about ones like mine?"

Husband: "That's where they held the auction." It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the local zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him", he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache." McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives." Moses' account of the creation in the book of Genesis is so basic in our culture that many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's ribs.

Last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that predate Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible; " ... and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her young. And God spake, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit. Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"

And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters. I need but two breasts."

And God said,....... "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom........"

There was a crack of lightning and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand. "Now just what am I going to do with this useless boob?" Woman exclaimed ...

And so it was, God created Man. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell Them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...wedding cake Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.

"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever."

"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it." A man had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked very gently.

"I think you're bad luck." There was a wife that was sick and tired of her hubby not giving her any sex and she thought of an idea... She would put on her nightgown on backwards, so it would plunge low in the front, and her hubby would see it and jump on her bones.

So that night she put on the gown backward, and pranced in front of her hubby, who was reading the paper. He looked up and then continued back reading... She got so pissed, she stomped her foot and said, "Don't you see anything different?"

Hubby looked up and said, "Yes dear, you have you nightgown on backwards."

She said, "'Wow, how did you know?"

Hubby said, "Because the shit stain is in the front now." Why is marriage like a self-serve restaurant?
You pick up something you like, then pay for it down the line. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

"Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.

"And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied Little Johnny came home from school and said to his mother, "Mom I've got a problem."

"What is it?" she asked.

"The boys at school are using two words I don't understand".

"What are they" she asks.

He says, "Pussy and bitch."

She replied, "Oh that's no big deal; pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

Little Johnny thanked her and went to visit dad in the workshop, down in the basement.

Johnny began, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom, but I don't think she told me right."

His dad replied, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"

Little Johnny said, "Pussy and bitch."

His dad pulled a Playboy from the shelf, took a marker and circled the pubic area of the centerfold. "Son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."

"OK dad, so what's a bitch?" asked Johnny.

His wise father replied, "Everything outside that circle." How to drive WOMEN crazy!!!

1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.

2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.

3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.

4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.

5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California

. 6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.

7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.

8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.

9. Never give her a straight answer.

10. Take up yodeling and practice a lot.

11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)

12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.

13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.

14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.) A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?""

That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing.Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?""

That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference." An old man went into the Social Security Office and filled out an application.

He was too old to have a birth certificate, so he was asked to prove his age. He opened his shirt and showed them the gray hair on his chest. They accepted that as proof, and give him his first check.

He went home to his wife, showed her the check, and explained to her what had happened.

She replied, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can also get disability!" Back to the main Jokes page