SEX Jokes
Updated on 9/11/99



Dangerous Snake

NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION:One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species. Almost always misreported as larger than actual size.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM :

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet. Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "a soap dispenser." To test her theory she also pulls his dick and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap.

The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells... "Look, hand cream!" What's another term for cunnilingus? Genital Slurpees. A little boy goes on his first airplane trip with his folks and is very excited. After getting settled into his seat he turned to his mother who was reading one of those airline magazines and asks his mommy "If big cat's have little cat's, and big dog's have little dog's, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?" She told him "Not now son ask your father".

So he turned to his father and asked "Dad if big cat's have little cat's, and big dog's have little dog's, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

His dad replied "Son you see that door down the end of the aisle, thats where the Captain sits and he flys the plane and knows everything about it so you go ask him and he will tell you."

So the little boy goes down the aisle and knocks on the door. The stewardess lets him in and he asks her where the Captain is. She points to the man seated on the left and the little boys goes over and taps him on the shoulder and asks " Can I ask a question?"

The Capitan smiles and "says sure son what do you want to know?"

The little boy ask his question "If big cat's have little cat's, and big dog's have little dog's, how come big airplanes don't have little airplanes?"

The Captain shakes his head, and says "Son I bet your parents sent you to ask me that."

To which the boy shook his head yes.

"Well you go back and tell them it's because United pulls out on time". A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured the drink he remarked "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. "No wonder you need a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downed his second drink, the bartender asks him "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife" the man replies "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and get the hell out."

"That makes sense." said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'BAD DOG!' " Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women.. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living..
"I'm a cop", says the first man..
"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living..
"I'm a firemen", said the second man..
"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter. There was this little boy who was having a birthday. So his mother baked a birthday cake to celebrate. Only she didn't have any of those silver candy balls to put on it, so she used little beebee's.

That night they all celebrated and he and his mom and 2 brothers ate the cake.

The next day the first little boy came downstairs and ran to his mother and said, "Mommy, I peepee'd a beebee."

The mother said "That's nice dear. Now go run and play."

Then the second little boy came running down the stairs and said "Mommy, I peepee'd a beebee."

His mother said "Ok, go out and play dear."

Well the birthday boy came down and he said "Mommy, I" and his mother said "I know, dear, you peepee'd a beebee." And the little boy said "No, mom, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog." What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why is pubic hair always curly?
Otherwise it'll poke your eyes.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
They can smell it but they can't eat it A sailor has sex with a Hong Kong hooker and a week later he goes to a doctor because his penis has turned yellow, purple and green. The doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad. We'll have to amputate."

"No way!", says the sailor. He runs out and thinks, "Hmm... Chinese girl - Chinese doctor."

So, he goes to Chinatown and finds a Chinese herbalist. The herbalist takes a look. The sailor says, "Hey doc, the previous doctor said he'd have to amputate."

Chinese herbalist says, "American doctors, always cut, cut, cut.. . Two - three days - it fall off by itself!" Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of their small town and start necking. After awhile the guy abruptly stops. "You know we've been doing this for weeks now and I think it's time we had intercourse," he pleads.

"Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides, all those people in the field may hear us."

The boy pauses and then says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good, start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing!"

The girl agrees, so the two hastily take off their clothes and get down to business.

Ten minutes later, people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing.

"Mooooooooo ..... Moooooooo ...... Moooooon River .......!" A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman, Fast!!"

The grandson moaned: "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third, that's MY dick you're holding...not yours." A 15 year old girl goes to her father and says "I'm Pregnant".

"Oh no", said Dad, "Who is the father?".

"Ah, come on Dad", she replied, "If you eat a pot of baked beans and you fart, you don't know WHICH bean caused it, do you?". A teacher was asking the kids what they would most like to be covered in and why.

Firstly a little boy answers "I would like to be covered in silver, because then I could scratch a little bit off my body and I could buy a BMW".

The second kid answers "I would like to be covered in gold, because I could scratch a little bit off my body and I could buy a Porsche".

Little Johnny at the back is waving his hand frantically tried to answer the question.

The teacher expecting the worst says "O.K Johnny, what would you like to be covered in?".

Johnny replies "Pubic hair, miss".

The shocked teacher asks why and Johnny says "Well, my sisters has got a tiny patch and you should see the cars parked outside our house". Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi- syllable word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!" Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a hand-job." The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for pressing.

Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting. Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, "My, you come lickety-split!"

"No, ma'am," replied the elderly Chinaman. "Come to get laundry." There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, a daughter and a grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you do tonight Dear?" asked her mother.

"Not too good" replied the daughter, "I only got 20 dollars for a blow job."

"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 5 bucks!"

"Good God!" Said the Grandmother, "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!" A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

Then the guy says, "Gimme 3 boxes." The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's pen!s is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The guy says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"

The guy says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up." A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.

The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question." The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request denied for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- does not have a degree;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- shows no fidelity to the workplace;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work. A Men's Guide to Blowjob Etiquette as written by a Woman

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning". A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me! My penis is orange. "The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life. Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy.

"So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."The doc figures that this has got to be the reason or all of the guys stress.

Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!" I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year.

Damn it....All these years I've been eating them raw. A man came home from work and saw his wife sliding down the railing of the stairs, naked. She walked back up and slid back down. The husband watched her for a while and the asked her why she was sliding down the stair railing continuosly?

She replied, "Oh, I'm warming up your dinner." Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.

For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.

For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garterbelt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your bellybutton is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I have a friend who truly wears these things each and every time she sits in front of her computer; it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office - but she has certainly worked her way up the ranks in the company). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.

If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen.

If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.

When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on things - hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!

Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped offline.

That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse "I have to let my dog out."

Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)

If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.

Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered Little Jenny comes home from playing at Johnny's house. "Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"

Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"

"No silly, it's salty!" Three men are sitting at a bar in a posh hotel. They're all on their wedding night and waiting for their prospective brides to get ready for the big occasion. They get to chatting and eventually the conversation gets round to how many times they will get it tonight.

"How can we let each other know how we get on." said one.

"I know " said another. "At breakfast order your toast accordingly, i.e., twice tonight means two toasts with your breakfast".

"Great idea" they all said.

The next morning they're all sitting around ordering breakfast.

"Breakfast and three toast please".

"Not bad", say the others.

The next guy says, "Breakfast and six toast."

"Not bad at all!" chimes in the other grooms.

The next guy goes to order. "Breakfast and nine toast please. Six white and three brown." In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago"

"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!" A man walked into the drug store and shyly asked the pretty girl behind the counter if he could buy some condoms. Seeing his discomfort, the girl decided to have some fun.

She asked what size he needed. He said he didn't really know. So the girl said they come in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests. He should go outside and put his tool to the test.

When he went outside, the girl sneaked around the fence. When he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a hand-job. When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him a blowjob. When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she took him inside herself.

When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked up and she asked, "So, what size do you need?"

He answered, "I've decided not to buy any condoms; but I do want 8 feet of that fence!" "Daddy, what does a vagina look like?"

"Well, son, a vagina looks like a beautiful flower ready to be plucked."

"Daddy, what does it look like after it has been plucked?"

"A bulldog with mayonnaise coming out of its mouth." A sixteen-year-old girl walked up to her mother in a fit of anger. "I'm pregnant! And it is all YOUR fault!"

The mother paled and said "My fault? I bought you all the books, showed you pictures, and told you all about the facts of life!"

The girl replied, "Yeah Yeah, but you never taught me how to give a good blow job did you?" A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie.

The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice"

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank the fuck for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark! There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family. A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!" There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he was sun tanned all over, with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand. A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with the cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat." A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.

The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!" Do you know how to reuse a condom?
Turn it inside out and wash the fuck out of it.

What do you call 5 condoms playing metal?
A rubber band.................

Why did the condom cross the road?
Because it was pissed off. There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no shoes or socks on.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!" Le Rolodex of Love

Here is a fairly extensive compilation of some of the extraordinary sexual activities that can be performed by men:

1. Hot Lunch - While receiving head from a woman, you proceed to shit on her chest. (a.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)

2. The Stranger - Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

3. Donkey Punch - Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.

4. Golden Shower - Any form of dropping piss all over a girl.

5. Pearl Necklace - Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.

6. Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.

7. Purple Mushroom - This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.

8. The Flying Camel - A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl, much like a coyote. Strictly a class move.

9. Fishhook - A variation of the shocker in which you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.

10. The Ram - Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start. ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. the force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.

11. Dog in a Bathtub - This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

13. Tossing Salad - Another prison act where one person is forced to basically chow asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available, i.e. Jello, olive oil, etc. I'm never going to prison.

14. The Bronco - Back to reality with this classic. You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girl's name. This gives you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.

15. Pink glove - This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give her money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.

16. The Fountain of You - While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed).

17. New York Style Taco - Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you boot on your box. Happy trails.

18. The Durty Sanchez - A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into said woman's asshole, pull it out, wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin, shit moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name would be Durty Sanchez.

19. The Fish Eye - From behind, you shove your finger in her ass (or his if you are in prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing.

20. Tuna Melt - You're down on a chick lapping away and discover that it just happens to be the time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.

21. Furr Ball - You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, when a mammoth furr ball gets lodged in your throat and causes you to beat the piss out of her.

22. The Chili Dog - You take a shit on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her. PICK UP LINES THAT MAY GET YOU KILLED

1) If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2) I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3) If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4) How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5) I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6) You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.
7) My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
8) Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
9) Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
10) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas... could I meet you between the holidays?
11) You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
12) Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
13) Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?
14) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat! Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blowjob.

A blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. A couple was driving down a country road one night. The woman lowered her head into the man's lap and commenced to give him a fantastic blow job. The man was now paying no attention to his driving and ran over a little skunk that had been trying to cross the road.

Feeling the vibration from the tires passing over the little skunk, the woman immediately raised her head up from the man's lap and began to scream at him. "What did you hit?" she cries. "You'd better stop and see what it was."

The man stops the car and backs up. They both get out of the car and saw this poor little skunk, still alive, flopping around at the side of the road.

The woman exclaims, "We've just got to take this poor little ol' skunk to the veterinarian!"

"Just how are we going to do that?" asks the man. "Where would we put him?"

"Well, it's certainly too cold to put him in the trunk!" replies the woman.

Looking thoughtfully for a moment, the man then says, "Well, I guess you could put him between your legs and that would keep him warm."

Her eyes opens wide with shock and the woman cries, "But what about the smell?"

The man just shakes his head and replies, "Oh, hell, if I can stand it during the times I've had my head down there, then he can, too!" What's the difference between a bitch and a whore ?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party... and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party... except you. Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?" A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." A widow and widower lived next door to each other. They had been neighbors for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse not too long ago. Over a number of weeks, they had become close. One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing.

Yes, she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. The man agreed to pick her up at 6 a.m. the next morning. They went down to the river at the time they decided the next day, and began fishing.

After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman, "Up or down." Being nice, he wanted to let her decide.

The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped on the old man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing.

Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked, "Up or down," and once again the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.

That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again the next day. The woman agreed. A little after 6 a.m. the next morning, they got to the river.

As they came across that first fork in the river, the hopeful man asked the lady, "Up or down."

"Down," the woman replied.

A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or down," the man asked.

"Up," the woman said.

"Wait a minute," the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex. What's going on?"

"Well," the woman replied, "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said 'Fuck or Drown!'" A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?" I know a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work.

One Friday, Dave showed up particularly late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned and said, "Times they are getting tough. I mean, just today, my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week! I can't believe it."

At which point Bob put his hand on Dave's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut me out all together." Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy". It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea." A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.

So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.

"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.

After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.

"What do I do?" he asks.

His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.

A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.

"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.

"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!" A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?" There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.

So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" Three USA educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is. Colgate University allocated a budget of $500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilization.

The University of Texas spent $750,000 on a research program that lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximized the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.

Finally, the Texas A&M University spent $3.95 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end Phillip fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.

Phillip threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!"

"Shit," sighed Phillip, "there go my Sundays." THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready? A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"

"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds." A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc... He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So what made you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..." On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.

Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?" A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.

One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols must be observed.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and is soon standing watch.

Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking!" They yell back, "We're not fucking!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking!" Again they yell back, "We're not fucking!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no fucking!" They yell back, "We're not fucking!!"

Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's not even halfway up before the wife and second man are screwing each other's brains out.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're fucking. Back to the main Jokes page