Sick Jokes
Updated on 6/17/03



How can you tell when a woman is really hot for you?
When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse. Little Johnny comes home from school one day with a note to his mother. It read, "Please teach Johnny the difference between boys and girls."

So the mother took Little Johnny upstairs to her bedroom. She said, "Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse." So he did.

Then she said, "Johnny, now take off my skirt," which he did.

Then she said, "Johnny, now take off my bra", which he did.

And then she said, "Now, Johnny, take off my panties," which he did.

And the she said, "Now, Johnny, you have to stop wearing my clothes to school." A modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He then filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms wildly which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of a ghost!" I went to see my doctor, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up...What's wrong with me?"

He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never beable to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all." Why do hookers make more money than drug dealers?
A hooker can clean her crack and sell it again. An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes." The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Emily; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's David, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher ... she's dead." A guy gets a job working in Alaska at a remote oil pumping station. When he gets there he notices that there are no women for hundreds of miles. As soon as he got the opportunity he asked his supervisor what they did for women.

"Well," replied the supervisor. "We really have no access to women. If you feel the urge there is a barrel with a hole in it behind the building. You can use the hole."

A few days later the guy is feeling horny and decides to give the hole in the barrel a try. It is the best blowjob he has ever had.

The following day he is talking with his supervisor and tells him that the hole in the barrel was great. "It's so good I'm going to use it every day," he exclaimed.

"Every day but Thursday," replied the supervisor.

"What's wrong with Thursday?"

"Thursday is your day in the barrel." How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you?
There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary. Elena Bobbitt has a previous Police Record in El Salvador. Apparently she has tried the knife action on her previous mate there. When she took the swing with the knife, her aim was off, and she cut the gentleman on his thigh.

The Judge in this case let her off...with a "misdeweiner." What do you call a cat with no legs?
Dogfood

What is the hardest part to eat of a vegetable?
The wheelchair

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.

What do 54,000 abused woman have in common?
They don't fuckin listen

What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.

What's red and white and spits?
A dead baby in a frying pan.

What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Dublin. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening A lady hails a cab, takes it across town, then tells the cabbie to pull over. He says, "That'll be twelve bucks."

She says, "I haven't got any money, but how about a bit of this?" She pulls her dress way up and she's naked underneath. He takes a look and says, "Jesus, lady, haven't you got anything smaller?" The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding all day. When they stopped to take a rest, Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come.", informed Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?"

"Face sticky." A blind man went into a store with his seeing eye dog. The manager was on his way over to tell the man that he couldn't bring a dog into the store when the blind man started twirling the dog around and around in circles with the rope.

The manager ran over and asked "Sir, may I be of assistance?"

The blind man said "No....just looking around" A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.

The son is just a head! But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head." What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full

What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
Michael Jackson's hand.

What is the difference between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass A man goes into a hamburger stand and orders a burger. The waitress takes out two frozen patties and sticks them under her arms.

The man says "What the hell are you doing?!"

She replies "I'm defrosting them!"

The other guy at the counter says, "In that case, you can cancel my freakin' hotdog!" Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week. The girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself. After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they"re doing, they bury her. After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again. This guy walks into the poshest restaurant in town...

"Where's the goddamn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking, ass wipe?" he politely inquires to one of the waiters.

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can". "I want to see the cunt, and I want to see the cunt now!", replies the man, staring wildly at the waiter.

The manager comes over and the guy asks, "Are you the fucking tossy manager of this twat-hole joint?".

"Yes sir, I am", replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private and exclusive restaurant".

"Fuck off, quim-face ", replies the guy "and where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well, are you? You little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano or I'll fucking twat you."

"Ahhhh !" replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows the guy to the piano."Can you play any blues?".

"Of course I can," and the guy proceeds to play the most melancholy blues that the manager has ever heard.

"That's superb. What's it called?"

"I want to fuck your wife on the sofa but the springs keep sticking in my dick," replies the guy.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the guy knows any jazz. The guy proceeds, playing the most rhythmically complex jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent !" cries the manager "What's it called?"

"I tried to jerk off over the washin' machine but my balls got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads.

The guy then plays the most heartbreaking melody that brings a tear to his eye and a lump into his throat.

"Thats beautiful, what's that called ?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy asshole", replies the guy.

The manager is highly upset by the guys language but his music is so good he offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night the guy is playing his piano and sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see-through dress, her tits are falling out the top of her tight lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is showing clearly through the tight material over her gorgeous ass. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin!

It's too much for the pianist and he stops playing and runs off to the bathroom to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'.

He's pulling away furiously when he hears the managers voice: "Where's that damn pianist gone?".

He just has time to shoot his load and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde gets up off her bar-stool and walks seductively over to the piano, leans over in front of him and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your dick and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping cum onto your shoes?".

And the guy replies.... "Know it? I fucking wrote it". How do you save a drowning nigger?
Take your foot off his head.

What do you throw a drowning nigger?
His wife and kids.

What's orange and looks good on a nigger?
Fire. A salesman's car breaks down, so he asks a farmer to let him spend the night, and the farmer agrees. In the middle of the night, the salesman wakes up and is really thirsty, so he decides to go to the barn and get some milk from a cow. Soon, the farmer hears noises coming from the barn and goes to investigate. He then sees the salesman coming out of the barn soaking wet and with a white liquid dripping down his face. The farmer asks, "What happened to you?" The salesman says, "I just got thirsty, so I milked your cow. It was so dark in there I don't know how I did it. But I'm telling you, that cow has great milk! I must have drank a gallon of it!"

The farmer then stares at him with a puzzled look and says, "But we don't have a cow. We just have a bull." Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"

Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"

Bob replies, "uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it." A man was asked by his friends if he could go out drinking with them. He said he couldn't because his wife would get mad at him for staying out late. So they told him that when he got home, he should climb in the bedroom window and have oral sex with his wife. They reasoned that she would enjoy it so much, she'd forget about how long he had stayed out. So the man agreed to do it.

That night, when he got home, he carried out the plan. He climbed up and through the bedroom window, grabbed the shadowy figure of his wife in the darkness, and without speaking a word, engaged in oral sex with her.

After ten minutes of much moaning and groaning from his wife, he realized he had to use the bathroom. So he excused himself to go and answer nature's call.

Upon entering the bathroom, he saw his wife in the shower. "What are you doing here!!!" he yelled.

"Shh!!!" she whispered, "You'll wake my mother!" Three drinking buddies\coworkers, are sitting in the office, taking aspirin for their hangovers, and talking about the night before.

"Man!" says one, "I was so drunk last night, I passed out in an alley!"

"That's nothing!" says another, "I was so drunk last night, I drove right through my garage door!"

"I can beat that!" says the third, "I was so drunk last night, I blew CHUNKS!"

"So what?" the others ask, "That's nothing."

"No, no, you see," the third explained, "Chunks is the name of my dog!" How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of Ice cream, one scoop of dead baby. There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he can cure the man.

The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.

The man takes the doctors advice and that night after his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a minute or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full erection.

He is real excited so he wakes up his wife to share in the good news. She rolls over and looks at him and says "You wake me up at Two in the morning to show me that you have a Bloody Nose?" A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed:

"You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?"

"FUCK GOD..." say's the pedophile, "I'm after the baby Jesus!!!!" How can you tell if yer at a bulimic bachelor party??
The cakes jumps outta the girl.

How do you know your girlfriend is really ugly?
The waiter puts her plate on the floor.

What is the most tactless thing you can say to a woman in a mastectomy clinic as you offer her some coffee to drink?
"One lump, or two?"

How do you find a fat girl's cunt?
You flip through the folds until you smell shit, And then go back one.

What's the best thing about being a pedophile?
Your dick looks really BIG in a little hand.

What are the three reasons why anal sex is better then vaginal sex?
It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to women.

What's the smelliest thing in the world?
A pussy pizza with anchovies. A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet." An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones his penis died.

Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful, decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said "Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died."

"It did" he said. "Today is the viewing." There's this little Ozark family, Maw, Paw, Junior, and Sally. One day Junior asks, "Paw, whut's sex?" Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, "Well, Junior, I reckon yore 'bout ol'nuff to find out. Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread'n'em legs."

After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says, "You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol' Paw." Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way. About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers, "Jun...Junior, wh-whut's that?"

Junior, being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, "That's whatcha call 'sex'. You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol' Junior..." A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take shit off anybody!" Joe comes back from his honeymoon. At break, his co-workers ask him about it.

Bob asks, "So, you got a lot of pussy, huh?"

Joe says, "No, she has gonorrhea. But, you know me, I like to do a lot of fishing, so I just fished."

Tom asks, "Well, you got some blowjobs then?"

Joe says, "No, she has pyorrhea. But, you know me, I like to do a lot of fishing, so I just fished."

Ed asks, "Well, you gave it to her in the butt then?"

Joe says, "No, she has diarrhea. But, you know me, I like to do a lot of fishing, so I just fished."

Stunned, the three pals ask, "Gonorrhea... pyorrhea... diarrhea... why'd you marry the bitch?"

Joe says, "Well, she has worms. And you know me, I like to do a lot of fishing..." A man just lost everything he had, his wife, his car, and his house. He had 2 dollars to his name. He decided to go to a whore house to spend the last of his money. When he got to the whore house he told the lady at the front desk that he had 2 dollars and wanted a whore. "For 2 dollars all i can get you is our fattest, ugliest hooker." said the lady.

"I don't care" said the man "I'll take anything"

When the man got up to the room he saw the fattest, ugliest bitch he had eve seen. but he thought he had nothing to lose. Well they started fucking and it was the worst sex he ever had.

"I cant take this anymore" said the man. And he told her that he had lost his wife and all of his belongings.

"Well maybe there is something I can do to make your last time a little bit more enjoyable" the disgusting whore said. She rolled over and stared messing around with something. Then they stared fucking again and it was the best sex the man had ever had. When they were done then man asked the fat bitch what she did to make it better.

"I picked the scabs and let the puss run" Mum walked into the bathroom one day and found little Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed.

"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's." What did the officials at the Oklahoma city day care center say when the parents came to pick up their kids?
Will that be paper or plastic?

What's 18 inches long, hard and pink and will make any woman scream?
Crib death

How can you tell if a woman is gay?
Smell her face

How can you tell when an ethiopian woman is pregnant?
Her tampax comes out half eaten.

How can you tell if an Ethiopian woman is pregnant?
Hold her up to the light.

What do you call an Ethiopian with buck teeth?
A Rake.

How many Ethiopians can you put in a shower?
I don't know, they keep falling down the drain.

How many Ethiopians can you put in a Volkswagen?
All of 'em!

What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?
You know she'll swallow

Why did they suddenly call off the leper hockey game?
There was a face-off in the corner.

What's the nicest thing you can say to a 45 year old alcoholic native american woman?
Nice tooth. A retarded guy goes to his barbershop after a long trip. The barber greets him and inquires as to his whereabouts.

"Well," says the dummy, "you know I'm a member of a group of handicapped people, and we went on a tour of Italy, including my friend Joey. He's a cripple, you know."

"What did you see?" asks the barber.

"We went to Venice first. We rode the gondolas, all except for Joey. He's a cripple, you know."

"And then?" inquires the barber.

"We went to Rome and toured the Colosseum, all except Joey. He's a cripple and had to stay on the bus."

The friendly barber asks "What else did you see? Did you go to the Sistine Chapel."

"Yes, we saw that, and it's beautiful, except Joey still had to stay on the bus 'cause he's a cripple."

"Anything else?" queries the barber.

"Oh yeah, the biggest thing was we got to see the Pope, even Joey, even though he's a cripple. That was real exciting--we had an audience with that Pope, and he blessed us all and prayed with us. Then he saw Joey kneeling and leaning on his crutches, so he said 'Rise up, my son, and cast away your crutches, for you are blessed, and you shall walk unaided.' And Joey did what that Pope told him."

"And what happened?" asked the excited barber.

"He fell on his ass! He's a cripple, you know!" Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do the first thing that the women ask.

The next night, they're in the same bar.

The first guy says, "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV, and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. my wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said, "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."

The third guy said, "you guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and she said 'Cut that out!' Ever seen one of these real close?" Three scientists were talking one day when one of them asked if there had ever been an experiment carried out to determine the effect of blocking off an elephants rectum for an extended period of time. They discovered that it had never been tried and so they resolved to try it themselves. They got an elephant and inserted a huge plug into it's ass and let the elephant go about it's daily business of eating 500 pounds of greenstuff a day.

After a couple of days, it occurred to the scientists that someone was going to have to remove the plug from the elephants ass. None of them were prepared to do it so they got themselves a monkey and trained it to remove the plug when it heard a particular bell sound.

Come the day of the end of the experiment when the plug was finally to be removed, they set themselves up at respectable distances from the monkey and elephant - 1 scientist was 50 yards away, 1 was 500 yards away and the third was a mile away. All had recording equipment set up to record the event. One had a button to press to sound the bell and prompt the monkey to remove the plug from the elephant's ass.

The button was pressed, the bell sounded and there was this god-almighty explosion.

The scientist at 1 mile from the elephant was splattered with shit and he raced up to the scientist 500 yards from the elephant.

He too was covered in shit.

They both raced up to the scientist who had set himself up 50 yards from the elephant to find him up to his neck in shit, covered in scratches and bruises and with a couple of broken bones in his arms and legs. He was also pissing himself laughing.

One of his colleagues commented on all the injuries he had sustained and asked why was he laughing so much. "The bell sounded, the monkey pulled the plug and I was injured when the blast threw me backwards away from my position.", he said. "But why were you laughing so much?", his colleagues asked again. "You'd be laughing too if you could have seen the expression on the monkey's face as he tried to put the plug back in." Back to the main Jokes page